Fun With Telemarketers

They're just doing their job and I understand that. It's a miserable job and I understand that. But, jesus!

A friend told me that there is a Telemarketing Game that you can play where you score points based on various criteria. I think he may have made it up on the spot, since he never did tell me the point structure. So I will attempt to codify here.

It's based on the fact that the longer a telemarketer is on the phone, the more money it costs the company s/he works for. That being said, here's my first pass at a score card

(N.B. - Yes, I will be using tables, but I don't think that in anyway violates the integretity of the site)

For every minute spent on the phone
1 point
Repeating information previously given
5 points
For every second of dead silence before telemarketer says something
2 points
Being put on hold
5 points per incident
For every minute the call deviates from its purpose
2 points
Getting the telemarketer to swear
10 points
Being transferred
5 points per incident - increasing by 5 points for each addition tranfer
Making the telemarketer laugh
5 points
Being hung up on
50 points

Some examples and suggestions that may perhaps go on too long -

Suggestions -

  • If they tell you that you've won something or they're going to give you something, let out a loud, ear-piercing whoop! Ask them to hold on. Put the phone down and scream the good news to someone. Repeat this with each piece of information they give you.
  • Talk to them about the End Times and the Rapture.
  • Ask them about their qualifications.
  • Repeat everything they say back to them (i.e. - "Lemme get this straight, you're going to save me 50% on my long distance calling?")
  • Ask their opinion about current events.
  • Ask for their number for you to call them back. This can be a fun moral debate.
  • Ask them on a date, especially if they are the same sex.

Another friend told me he has a foolproof method for stumping Long-Distance hawkers. After a prolonged hammering out of the details, it goes something like this -

Telemarketer: Great! Let me get some information and we'll get you switched over!

Friend: Oh! Just a sec. I thought of one more problem.

Telemarketer: What's that, sir?

Friend: I don't have a phone.

Telemarketer: Excuse me?

Friend: I don't have a phone.

At this point the telemarketer's circuits are blown. He said that one of two things happen. Either he gets hung up on or the Telemarketer tries to convince him that he actually does have a phone.

Examples -

These examples are real life conversations to the best of my ability to remember them.



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