NOTHING IN THE WORLD COULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR A MEETING WITH THE NASTIEST, DIRTIEST, SEXIEST ROCKERS IN NEW YORK SHITTY.
Fuck the ground breaking history of the Dolls, dementia of Alice Donut, the loss of Mayor Koch, and the general decay of rock and roll music period. These gals are ready to reverse the cavemen mentality of Homo Erectus and finally pummel all of you who think heavy metal is only misogynistic and shallow. Sure it is, but who cares? Especially when out of the capable mouths and hands of the gals of Lunachicks, there is a glorious noise to make even Lord Iggy proud. They destroy all the MTV Metelslimeballs with one easy swipe.
"How would you how?" you mumble to your pathetic little selves. Well for one thing, I saw them in Spring open for the Butthole Surfers at the Ritz in New York. I had never heard of them prior to that gig. Let me tell you, pussheads -- THEY KICKED ASS.
And if that wasn't enough, some smart folks at Blast First wisely signed them to a deal and released their gate-fold double-pack 45 Ep entitled SUGAR LUV, with color photos and everything. And lo and behold, there was the monster music of Theo (vocals), Becky (drums), Sindi (guitars), Squid (bass), and Gina (Guitar) finally on vinyl.
So anyway, I decided to spread their gospel and ventured down to their Manhattan rehearsal space where they were honing their chops for a mini-tour with Redd Kross. Knowing their penchant for having fun, I decided I'd ask them very vague and silly questions. (My attempt to fuck with them.) I found out very quickly that it was entirely their show. I was just a casual observer. They were also extremely charming and very attractive. No more than three minutes into the interview, I'd decided I was inside some surreal sitcom cartoon. La them go!
The following is just a taste of their lunatic fringe:
AP: Where, oh where, are we going? GINA: To hell if we ain't good!!! THEO: We're going to Arkansas to play in the horse fields. BECKY: "To hell in a bucket, but I'm enjoying the ride." -Bobby Weir SQUID: We're going to my grandmother's house. SINDI: TO THE BATHROOM! THEO: No, to get another smack... SQUID: And to shit it out. BECKY: Theo peed in a bucket at our last show... THEO: Yeah, there was a long line for the bathroom so I peed in a garbage can. SINDI: She squatted over it in the basement... SQUID: Didn't you do it too, Gina? GINA: I held it in...
Suddenly Squid and Becky lead them in an impromptu Spinal Tap-like version of "Pissin' in a Bucket." Lunachick instant creativity. Amazin'.
AP: Outside of Lemmy (from Motorhead - their idol) are you telling me that Spinal Tap are your mentors? THEO: Yeah, outside of Pee Wee Herman and Webster (the diminutive star who had his own hit show on NBC)... (Roars of laughter. They all crack up.) THEO: I saw him graduate. He went to my sister's high school. I was watching all these kids march out- all these hats, you know. Then I looked down and... GINA: (interrupting with obvious concern): Webster went to your sister's high school? THEO: YES! GINA: You never told me that!
A small scuffle breaks out, as Theo defends herself. I duck behind Becky' s drum kit. I struggle to amuse them with a question.
AP: How about cartoon characters? If you could be any cartoon character, what... SQUID: We are cartoon characters. SINDI: We' d be Lunachicks. THEO: Josey and the Pussycats after being locked in... GINA: Arrrgghhh!!
A cat walks into the room. Could this be their mascot? It bravely approaches Becky's drums.
BECKY: Cat, I'm warning you!
She expertly strikes the bass drum and the cat retreats.
GINA: Don't do that; don't be mean!
AP: What is your favorite lie!
BECKY: That this is a free country. SINDI: We like lies. I believe that Yoo-hoo has 5 vitamins and 3 minerals. GINA: I believe everything I read! SQUID: Oregano is a vegetable. THEO: How about Tang, Sindi? SINDI: I feel that it's better before you add the water. GINA: Arrrggghhh!! THEO: Another good lie is that if you eat watermelon seeds a watermelon will grow in your stomach. GINA: Or gum trees that grow in your stomach... SQUID: Or if you take enough acid, it gets stored in your spine and then if you get a certain kind of massage you can trip from it! THEO: Or if you bleach your hair it will look good!
They all crack up. Theo streaked her hair earlier that day. (They have no problem laughing at themselves.)
AP: What are your biggest fears? SINDI: That the elevator's going to break... GINA: Giant waterbugs!!! SQUID: Getting roaches in my mouth, like Theo did. THEO: Well, that's not a fuckin' fear for me, cuz it happened already. I was drinking this thing of apple juice...and...wiggle, wiggle, wiggle; I started screaming. SINDI: We all started screaming! GINA: Or meeting Dinah Shore cuz she' s really a man...
This really sets things off all the Lunachicks start verbally bashing Dinah, each other, me, the cat, the windows, the rehearsal space. It was a flashback of some type. Finally after several hours, I'm able to pull them back in for one final question.
AP: Who are the losers of the world? THEO: Who ever reads this interview. GINA (with authority): All of you who read this!!
And there you have it, folks. From the mouths of the dearly anointers. Catch them this fall on a cereal box near you.
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