Kids

How did this kid get here? I mean, we were two people having just a lovely time and then...oh, yeah...that's right. I remember now.

Parenthood rocks! It might not rock 24/7 but when all is said and done, it rocks. In this spirit, here's a possibly irresponsible Q and A on the longest job you'll ever have.

NEW - KIDS LINKS!

Q: Do they ever stop crying?
A: Not really, but it gets less frequent.

Q: Who is Farber and why is he saying all these terrible things about my kid?
A: Farber is the guy that says you should let your child cry itself to sleep so that...ummmm...you can listen to the child crying. Actually, I guardedly agree with him. The issue is self-reliance and teaching the child to put his/herself to sleep. On a more selfish level, it's about whether you and your spouse want to have a "family bed" where the child is always welcome.

Q: Why won't he just step back for a while? He's always in the way.
A: Be gentle. Things will change.

Q: For Dads - I feel like a third wheel.
A: You are. Suck it up. Things will change.

Q: For Dads - It's because I don't have breasts, right?
A: Yes.

Q: For Moms - Why can't he accept that it's a breast thing?
A: Because he's a guy.

Q: How do we resolve parenting conflicts?
A: Flip a coin? All I can say is talk, talk, talk. Try not to raise your voice and stay away from words like "stupid", "insane", "patriarchy" and "ball-buster." These words will not help. Also try to remember that both of you want to do what's best even though the other person is acting like an asshole.

Q: Does the crying ever stop?
A: Umm...click here

Q: I made a horrible mistake when I was single. I gave my godchild a really cool, fun banging/crashing/musical/mult-parted toy. Now all my friends with children are making me pay for this. What can I do?
A: Accept the gifts gratefully and put them in a closet or the basement. Do not escalate this situation! This is the parental version of hazing.

Q: What's with all the wooden toys? Aren't they kind of dull?
A: They are not banging, crashing, musical or mult-parted.

Q: What's with all the black and white stuff?
A: You got me. They look kind of cool at first, but get old really quickly.

Q: I'm a Dad. Before I had kids, women wouldn't give me the time of day. Now they're flocking to me. What's up with that?
A: Not sure. I think it has something to do with the fact you can now be considered "safe". It may also be the perception that a man with a child is helpless and needs watching over, lest he mistake the child for a football and throw it.

Q: Must I watch Barney?
A: Mmmmmm. Well, you don't have to watch it, but your kid will want to. Barney can be made tolerable if you consider that it is a prequel to Lord of the Flies. My coping mechanism consisted of three things - Ridicule, ridicule and ridicule. Over-analysis can be fun, too.