The Very Boring Ant

Note: The worse thing about parenting isn't the sleepless nights, extreme financial drain or the constant worry that you're a miserable parent and are raising a psychopath. The worse thing about being a parent is the shitty books that your read every night to your children. Eric Carle, like Tennessee Willams, writes the same story over and over and over and over. Here, then, is the next Eric Carle book.

Once there was an ant and he was very boring.

Whenever he met another animal, he would talk and talk and talk. And the animal would fall asleep.

He met a squirrel one day.
“How are you today, Mr. Ant,” said the squirrel.
”Well”, said the ant, “the other day I crawled over a piece of glass and my thorax got scratched and...”
The ant talked and talked and talked. And the squirrel fell asleep.

He met a goose one day.
“How are you today, Mr. Ant,” asked the goose
“Well”, said the ant, “the other day my feeler got caught on a loose piece of bark and now when I wiggle it...”
The ant talked and talked and talked. And the goose fell asleep.

He met a cow one day.
“How are you today, Mr. Ant,” asked the cow.
“Well”, said the ant, “the other day I crawled across some dog feces and I can’t seem to get the smell off of me. I’ve tried washing. I’ve tried...”
The ant talked and talked and talked. And the cow fell asleep.

He met a hummingbird one day.
“How are you today, Mr. Ant,” asked the hummingbird.
“Well”, said the ant, “the other day I had a horrible sleep. I tossed and I turned and I rolled and...”
And the hummingbird fell asleep.

The ant grew very sad. Why, he asked himself, did everyone fall asleep while he was talking? It wasn’t as if he had nothing interesting to say.

“Somewhere,” he thought, “is a true friend.” And he set off to find a true friend.

One day he climbed up a traffic light. The traffic light turned green.

The traffic light turned yellow.

The traffic light turned red.

Then it turned green again.

Then it turned yellow again.

Then it turned red again.

The traffic light asked the ant no questions, but listened politely as the ant talked and talked and talked.

The ant had found his true friend