Ok, I'll admit it. I'm a leftist, humanist and possibly godless heathen damned to an eternal hell of conservitive politicians and undercooked fish. Since this is my pre-destined fate, I thought, why not find out as much as I could about them? At least we'd have something to talk about. What can I say - It's the humanist in me. Join me, will you, in a tour of of the folks who hate me in that loving way that only fundamentalists can hate.

And what better place to start off than God Hates Fags? "Matthew Shepard has been in hell for 1242 days. Deal with it! All else is trivial and unimportant. All the fag caterwauling, candlelight vigils, court orders, etc., can't buy Matt one drop of water to cool his tongue." The site is sponsored by the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, which has been spreading it's message of God's love since 1955. Feeling like Matthew Shepard's mother hasn't gone through enough? Check out their high-tech flyer denouncing her as the mother from Hell. Does the interior (or exterior) of your home need a little fag hating pizzaz? There's tons more fliers to choose from, all in Adobe Acrobat for perfect printing. And just to stress that salvation is NOT a part time job, have a glance at the "NYPD In Hell" sign from a picket of Laura Bush at a library dedication on 1/9/02. There's even a game for your fag-hating children! But let's let Pastor Fred Phelps speak for himself - "God hates fags. It is a theological statement that this country needs more than oxygen."

But it's not only fags. Fags are just the tip of the iceberg. If it were just fags then they would all die out with in a matter of time. Of far more concern are the dykes. And who better to ferret out the "Lesbian Mafia" than Steve Lashuk of the Lesbian Studies Institute. From Hillary Clinton to Janet Reno and the 54 known Lesbian Controlled Gangs (American Assoc of Women Dentists, for one), Steve is a tireless catalouger and activist working to save the world one dyke at a time.

So now you're on the bandwagon with Jesus at the reins. It's a dangerous and bumpy ride fraught with peril. How will you protect yourself? That's where The Christian Guide to Small Arms v1.0 comes in. "The Christian's Guide to Small Arms was developed in response to the fact that most American Christians have fallen into ignorance concerning the responsibilities and skills required of the Christian freeman." This site aims (pardon the pun) to correct that. There is a somwhat disturbing line on the copyright page that says "Permission is hereby granted for personal use storage and reproduction (but not distribution), in whole or in part, by any real person." We'll leave open for discussion whether that statement discludes God or Jesus from using this information.

You're armed and filled with the spirit (and hopefully not spirits! Remember - drinking and guns don't mix). But what about the children? All that 'Nsynch, Brittany and the rest of the wanton whores and homosexuals that pass for entertainment figures who actively attempt to lead your child down the road to the Lake of Fire. Camp America to the rescue! "Camp America is a six day adventure of fun, friendship and education designed to counter the influence of today's anti-faith, moral relativistic culture and the ravages of historical revisionism. Everyone 12 years of age and older is eligible to attend." It has all the typical summer camp activities, plus an essay writing contest! Just think of how proud you will be when your child is able to stand up and say "Ideally, the government’s influence in a 'Christian nation' should be minimal." But don't worry, it's not all inculcation. The couselors still know how to kick back and have some good ol' fashion fun around the campfire.

Of course, your child may be filled with the spirit of Satanic Rebellion, in which case you may need to beat the devil out him or her. No Greater Joy is just the web site you'll need. There's a wonderful article on just what kind of rod not to spare. (Ask for 1/4 inch supply line) There's also a video referenced in the article that will show you how best to beat your child so you don't leave any bruises! Invaluable!

Dial-The-Truth Ministeries seems to be always on the cutting edge of the spreading the word. Dial the truth? This is an internet site. Should it be surf the truth? Dial-The-Truth started as an answering machine((205) 680-9206) in 1990 in Pinson, Alabama. They've spread their message to the web. It's one of the best sites for content and links. From the inspirational article "Yes, Virginia, There Is A Hell" to 666 Watch to a shocking expose on "The Dirty Little Secret about Rock's Teen Idols". And if you're offended by the links to some of the suggestive pictures of Brittany, then "Thank God - we are, too." This article ends on a confusingly paradoxical note stating "if they’re not saved by age 13, they probably never will."

JHS Ministries cautions you right up front that "Extreme Christianity is ahead." JHS stands for, in case you hadn't figured it out, Jesus Hates Smut. It's a proactive site with a ton of content. You can vote on who is going to Hell. You can learn how to convert atheists on Napster (which is dead now, but the concept can be used elsewhere). Pastor Lawrence Taylor give you 28 Useful Tips on overcoming masturbation such number 13 - "Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring." In case you're STILL not convinced that Hell exists, you can listen to the actual sounds of Hell.

The Christian Gallery isn't quite the clearing house that it sounds like. But make no mistake, they are a very are a very forgiving bunch, for the most part. Any group that gives Osama bin Laden the benefit of the doubt is headed for the gates of heaven. But then they think the George W. Bush is gay. While they try to present a number of Christian messages the strongest message is that God is Pro-Life as witnessed by the Understanding The Army of God article. But I'll put the Army of God on standby for the moment.

Now here's a question - Is it ok to read about sex if it's in the Bible? I...don't know the answer to that, but And Adam Knew Eve can show you where to find it.

After you've pruriently perused the papal prophesies prying for porn you might perhaps you need an exorcism to assuage your guilt. Logos Christian Fellowship is the place for you. It's as easy as filling out a form! At $50, it's a deal! Pastor Chris Ward's motto is Have Bible Will Exorcise. And should you wish to know how to perform and exorcism (and who hasn't at least breifly flirted with the idea) Pastor Ward's Summer Institute of Exorcism is coming in the Summer of 2002

The devil, though, comes in many forms. Snakes,Phil Collins and republicans that steal the presidency all have been thought to be manifestions of evil. But these are worldly evils. What of otherworldy evils? Like...space aliens? Can the power of Jesus combat space alien abuduction? DUH!! AlienResistance.org was created just for this purpose. The founder, "Joe Jordan, was formerly a non-Christian MUFON (Mutual UFO Network) researcher, who found from case histories that born-again Christians were stopping abductions by using their authority in Jesus Christ." God created the heavens AND earth and he holds dominion over both.

The Bible can do just about anything. If you don't like what it says there's always tons of other translations to look to. Heck, you can even make up your own! That's what the folks at the Christian Separation Church Society seem to feel. Their view is that Christianity is only for white people. All others need to practice some other inferior religion. They've even rewritten the Sixth Commandment ("Thou shalt not commit adultery", for those of you who a little rusty on the commandments) to "You will not mongrelize." Now, some of you may wish to quarrel with the change. Hold your breath. They have the whole thing documented. Other beliefs they shatter with their impeccable scholarship are "Jesus Was White" and "Was Adolf Hitler a Bible Christian?".

"I'm a math geek. If it's not math, I'm not interested." Oddly enough, the Bible is actually just a mathmatical framework! Theomatics proves this. It's realy quite simple! So stop stalling!

Let's get back to the Army Of God. And about time, too. First, let me warn you, don't visit this site if you are at all squeamish. As much as extreme Christians complain about all the filth on TV, radio, magazines and the movies, they are surpisingly eager to plaster their web sites with graphic images. It's not clear if the irony is apparent to them. Looking at the severed head of the fetus on the front page, you might assume they are anti-abortion. And you'd be right. They, too, feel that at least a portion of the Ten Commandments can be rewritten, especially the "Thou Shalt Not Kill" part. This is the main group that kills abortion doctors. For them, the only life worth protecting are fetuses. The Army Of God Manual, complete with the animated Dove of Peace, lists "99 covert ways to stop abortions". One thing they take pains to explain is they are not racist. Pro-choice advocates are actually the racists since abortion has the ability to weed out the inferior.

Thus ends my little tour of Christian Extemists. From the sublime to the ridiculous to the down-right dangerous, Christianity has as many flavors as...well...the colors of the humanist rainbow they hate so much.