Your Parents

Memo

To: Name Withheld

From: Name Withheld

CC: Mother

Date: 4/18/2002

Re: Performance Review For [Child’s Name Withheld]

As you are well aware, the policy of this household is to conduct a review of your performance in your role as Child which, you will remember, will be the basis for your raise in allowance.

Notes:

1. Throughout this document, you will be referred to as “The Child”.

2. Your Mother and I will be referred to as “The Parents”.

3. Should you wish to contest any part of this review, please respond by email to the Human Resources department within five (5) days of the receipt of the review.

Below are the criteria set for this review. Comments will be made beneath each of the categories.

Communicates honestly and instructively

While the Parents have frequently stressed the need for honest and instructive communication, this area continues to need improvement. For example, while the Child did tell the Parents about the Rainforest poster that the Child was responsible for, the Child neglected to tell the Parents that it was due in one day’s time or that the Child had known about the project for a period of not less the two weeks. While the Parents appreciate the stresses and strains the child is under and that the Child sometimes “forgets”, the Parents must once again remind the Child that they cannot know what they are not told. The Parents have seen some small improvements in this area and it is duly noted.

Shares information openly and candidly

The Parents would like to remind the Child of the numerous conversations they have had with the Child about tact. The Parents appreciate that the Child is forthcoming about her views of the world and the people in it. However, the supermarket is not the proper forum to point out that someone that they are “really, really fat”. Also, while the Child may not enjoy her sister’s company at times, this hardly qualifies her as “a pain in the butt”. Conversely, the Parent’s would like to point out that the Child is well past the age where the invisible playmate can be blamed for mishaps. The Parents tolerated the use of “Mr. Squiggles” as a face saving device for accidents, but this has served its useful purpose and must be retired. The Parents have seen some small improvements in this area and it is duly noted.

Accomplishes objectives

The Parents acknowledge that the Child frequently accomplishes her objectives. The issue is whose objectives she accomplishes. The Parent’s would like to see major improvements in the completion of goals set by the Parents. They would like to again stress that if the Child can build an elaborate structure from 500 Legos, 20 sheets of paper, 14 Playmobile figures and a bag of bird seed then the Child can clean up the structure after she is done. On the same note, the Child’s room may, as has been stated, be kept in whatever condition the Child wishes except for the infrequent requests for a full cleaning. Once again, if the Child has the energy to create the mess, then the Child has the energy to clean the mess.

Leads by example

The parents would like to remind the Child that “leading by example” does not translate to “boss your sister around”. Using the previous situation, “leading by example” means cleaning your room without complaint or dalliance. Also, it should be stressed that hitting your sister is not leading by example. There has been quite good improvement in this area, specifically in area of preparation for the school day and waking in general.

Makes suggestions to improve quality and productivity

The Child’s creativity is always a marvel to the Parents. The Parents would like to see that creativity more focused on practical solutions. While a small steam shovel would certainly clean up the structure referred to above, the practicality makes the idea impossible. Similarly, if the Child can actually create a robot that would make her bed, the Parents would certainly fund such an idea. It is the Parents feeling that the Child has not yet mastered the skills to make this feasible. Until such skills are mastered, however, the Parents suggest more practical solutions to problems.

Encourages team work

Coercing your sister into doing mutually assigned tasks is not an acceptable definition of “team work”. It is important to develop managerial skills, but equally important to do some of the work yourself. Please refer to the “Leads By Example” section.

Receptive for suggestions to improve performance

Despite the numerous conversations between the Parents and the Child, no matter how sincere the Child claims to be “eye rolls” do not give the appearance of receptiveness. Nor, may we point out, does stomping loudly, exaggeratedly sighing or door slamming, even if by accident. The Parents would like to see major improvement in this area.

Is responsive to request from parents

Please refer to the above item.

Efficient use of time

While there has been progress in this area, the progress has not been linear. Flushing the toilet with your foot while brushing your teeth, indeed, does save some small amount of time. However, this time is lost if you tell half hour stories about the romance between the toothpaste and the shampoo bottle before brushing your teeth. While you have heard the Parents say that they can’t do everything once this excuse is invalid when, instead of putting your shoes on, you are making an elaborate spider web out of jump ropes and neckties. It is acknowledge that the Parents and the Child have differing views of what can be labeled “important”. The Parents would like to see more attention paid to their vision of “important” in the future.

Keeps personal area tidy and organized

Since the implementation of the Parents’ “If It’s On The Floor, It’s In The Garbage” initiative, there have been great strides in this area. We would like to extend our congratulations.

Treats co-workers in a friendly manner

The Parents’ would like to see more consistency less parental enforcement in this area. Interpersonal conflicts with both the Parents and the Sister have decreased in frequency but increased in intensity. As per the memo of 5/23/01, any altercation involving physicality of ANY kind will result in immediate disciplinary action. The Parents would like to recognize the hard work the Child has made in this area, particularly at the beginning of the workday and at the end of the workday. In the past, these periods were the most tumultuous and the Parents see great improvement.

Summary

The Child has made great strides in many areas. Some critical areas still need marked improvement. Overall, the Child’s performance has been satisfactory, if not quite outstanding. After discussion between the Parents, it has been adjudged that the Child should receive as $0.25 raise in her allowance. Another $.025 may be awarded to the child after a period of two months, should the Child’s performance in areas mentioned about show marked improvement.

The Parents would like to, once again, thank the Child for her continued work in making the Family the best it can be. We look forward to many more years of a productive and satisfying relationship.

Best wishes,

The Parents

[Names withheld]