FLAGPOLE EATTA
lyrics (C) 1998 Whipple, Wang
(apologies to Harvey Danger)
Pepperoni or anchovy
Can't-a decide what I want to eat on-a my pizza
I just-a don't know what I want to eats-a
And momma's always serving me more
Mozzarella, gorgonzola, parmagiana, with-a da spicy meatball
And momma makes me eat all
The pasta and the salad and the meat
It makes me sick how I eat
[background vocals: "ma- mama mia"]
I ate it and I'm not well
That wasn't cheese, and I can tell
Bad Italian restaurant where only stupid people are eating
The cretins chewing and feeding
What I don't even eat when it's free
Cannelloni, rigatoni, macaroni, with-a da fettuccini
But hold the tortellini
You forgot my bread, now I want linguine god damn you
I ate it and I'm not well
That wasn't cheese, and I can tell
It's lunch time on HFS
And it's a sin to eat this mess
I want to eat Kung Pao
And rage with Chairman Mao
I want to eat dim sum it's better than spaghetti 'cause
They give you oyster sauce and when your hunger gnaws
Chicken claws, chicken claws
Salmonella, salmonella, botchulism's coming to get me
It's in the chicken with snow peas
I'm running like a river of brown hoisin sauce
Pu Pu platter, sweet and sour, combination mushi, and cookie
Let's open and and take a looky
It says "Confucius always listen to HFS"
[background vocals: "wa- wasabi- wa"]
It's Szechuan but it's not fried
No cats were used no one has died
It's Hunan but it's salt-free
No doggy meat, no MSG
[recorded 5/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Akira, Chicken Wing, Jack Schitt]
BURRITOS
lyrics (C) 1998 Whipple, Wang
(apologies to The Refreshments)
Just how much food do you want to go?
Seven enchiladas and a burrito
And you can cook me something refried and top it with super nachos
Olé!
Take that first hot bite feel your mouth ignite
Think it tastes hot now but just wait till tonight
When your sphincter is screaming "murder"
But you're gonna eat it anyway
Everybody knows that burritos give you diarrhea
So meet me at the bathroom at midnight, we'll dump it out there
Everybody knows if it's chili tonight it will be hot tamale
My only salvation is I've got the station on HFS
Spend the break of dawn on the Porta-John
Squeeze the parasites out til your intestines are gone
It's an unsightly defecation and vomit
But you had to eat it anyway
[recorded 7/98 and 8/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Jack Schitt, Chicken Wing]
MICROWAVE
lyrics (C) 1998 Whipple, Wang
(apologies to Greenday)
Do you have the time to chop and grate and grind
To cook and boil, bake, and fry all at once?
I am one of those technological fools
Electric is the way I go about it
Sometimes I give myself a treat
Sometimes I just can't wait to eat
I grab my Healthy Choice, press go, and rejoice
Am I cuisine-impaired or am I stoked?
I feel good all day with my Budget Gourmet
Lean Pockets make me get almost orgasmic
Swansons' food is keen and I love Lean Cuisine
While Stouffers French bread pizza tastes fantastic
Ninety-nine point one
[recorded 7/98 and 8/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Jack Schitt, Chicken Wing]
VANILLA
lyrics (C) 1998 Whipple
(apologies to Blue Oyster Cult)
With a purposeful grimmace and a terrible sound
He throws the carton of ice cream to the ground
Helpless people in fast food chains
Scream "my god it's chocolate shakes again"
He picks up some candy and he throws it back down
As wades through the aisles where the cookies are all brown
Oh no, this chocolate has to go there's no vanilla oooo
Oh no, just mint-filled Oreos there's no vanilla
VAnilla vanilla vaNILLA etc.
History shows again and again vanilla's the favorite flavor of men, vanilla!
History shows again and again vanilla's the favorite flavor of men, vanilla!
History shows again and again vanilla's the favorite flavor of men, vanilla!
[recorded 7/98 and 8/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Jack Schitt, Chicken Wing]
FOODSTUFFS
lyrics (C) 1998 Whipple, Wang
(apologies to The B-52s)
Hey America, how about giving me some of those foodstuffs?
Well here it is here it is here it is
Are you begging for it? Are you pleading for it
You'll get it for free foodstuffs baby
Do you need it? Are you dying for it?
Those foodstuffs baby good foodstuffs
I've got some surplus cheese that's been retired
And some cans of Spam that just expired
So let my foodstuffs rain down on you
My free foodstuffs that you desire
My withered crops and malnutrition
Have got me wishin' for a relief mission
Send your surplus in any condition
You would eat anything in my position
Are you starving? I'm starving!
Are you famished? I'm famished!
Are you hungry for this? I guess so
OK, let's go!
Take me down where the cargo unloads
Toss some rice, throw me a bone
Take me down where the foodstuffs are doled
Toss some rice, throw me a bone.
Foodstuffs, give me some of them foodstuffs
Foodstuffs, give me some of them foodstuffs
Don't leave me starvin' I wanna be carvin'
Wanna be carvin' up your good foodstuffs
Hey babies, are you hungry yeah
Refugees, you've got to eat it yeah
[recorded 7/98 and 8/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Chicken Wing, Jack Schitt, Alexa]
SLIM
lyrics (C) 1998 Whipple, Wang, Holland
(apologies to Dada)
If you had a pickle on your plate
She would eat it on her way out the door
Not care if its kosher or Vlasic light
She would chow down everything that she came by
Oh because my wife went slim
She's anorexic and won't eat till she's thin
Because my wife went slim
I saving half a plate of greens
Don't you know I'm saving half my plate for you
I still hope you're saving room for roast side of beef roast side of beef
I guess it came down to don't you love meat don't you love meat?
Oh because my wife went slim
She's anorexic and won't eat till she's thin
Because my wife went slim
Can't Kathryn grow any fatter?
Can't Neci grow any fatter?
Can't Gina grow any fatter? [fatter fatter]
Can't these babes grow, cause I can see the ribs on them
[recorded 5/98 (except drums recorded 6/93)
Headbangers: Caligula, Chicken Wing, Jack Schitt]
FOUND OUT ABOUT FOOD
lyrics (C) 1998 Whipple, Wang
(apologies to Gin Blossoms)
Mrs. Butterworth wasn't so sweet at all
Mamma Celeste was frozen cold and Mrs. Paul
Treated me like some dead fish
Sara Lee was not so rich
Peppermint Patty was nice but just too small
But Little Debbie's so sweet
I'm eating her
Tasty pink lunch treats
Found out about food
Kathryn Lauren's so sweet
I'm eating her
HFS lunch treats
Found out about food
[instruments recorded 7/94, vocals recorded 5/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Akira, Ratko, Chicken Wing]
POISONED BY MOM
lyrics (C) 1998 Wang, Whipple
(apologies to Rancid)
If your momma made the soup then you'd better come in
It's her inability to season that makes you thin
Lunchin' and dinin' on the soup that tastes like gruel
The secret to a good lunch is knowing when you're full
Black cheese white ooze bad milk Similac (yeah)
Poisoned by Mom
It's black on the stove where she's smelting sushi in a vat
The knob goes to ten but she's stokin' hotter than that
Sitting on the counter where the parasites (can) spawn
First thing you learn you gotta bake it till the worms are gone
Black cheese white ooze bad milk Similac (yeah)
Poisoned by Mom
Now she's rinsing cheese she's grating meat basting bread got a spork
Got a Ginsu julienning tenderloin of pork
The Spam is sweetened oven preheatin'
Whatever she half-bakes in there you know that you'll be eating it
Black cheese white ooze bad milk Similac (yeah)
Poisoned by Mom
[recorded 4/98 and 5/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Akira, Chicken Wing, Jack Schitt]
GOPHER GUTS
traditional, this arrangement (P) 1998 Whipple, Holland
lyrics (C) 1998 Whipple/Wang
Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Multilated monkey meat, itsy bitsy birdie feet
French fried eye-balls, rolling down a muddy street,
And I forgot my spoon.
Great green gobs of greasy grimey gopher guts,
Mutilated monkey meat, chopped up baby parakeet
All wrapped up in all-purpose porpoise pus
And I forgot my spoon (but I got my straw)
It's lunchtime on WHFS
Stick a fork in all the rest
Kathryn Lauren is the best
It's lunchtime on WHFS
And finger lickin' good
Ninety-nine point one
[recorded 4/98 and 5/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Chicken Wing]
MacSANDWICH
lyrics (C) 1998 Wang, Whipple
(apologies to Foo Fighters)
What have we done with all the bread?
It disappeared last night, along with all the spread
I'll go eat fast food instead
of wasting another night on planning to get fed
Wonder bread, Wonder bread, Wonder bread
Don't want to eat your MacSandwich
I see the roaches in your fridge
Five hundred grams of fat, enriched
I'll never eat your MacSandwich
All these fries make such a stench
What do you do when all your recipes are French?
I asked for cheese, not insolence
Under pressure, wind up slapping the MacWench
Surly wench, surly wench, surly wench
Don't want to eat your MacSandwich
Served by an impudent MacBitch
Who's relegated to third shift
I'll never eat your MacSandwich
Hunger, hunger, hunger
One last thing before I eat don't make my burger with rat meat
No special sauce no lettuce cheese no fingernails from employees
No fries with that no extra fat don't supersize my MacDead Rat
Your bathrooms are a filthy mess and your sound system pipes in HFS
Don't want to eat your MacSandwich
Find little hairs in every niche
I'm gonna sue you and get rich
I'll never eat your MacSandwich
Don't want to eat your MacSandwich [counterpoint: eat in, eat out]
Don't want to eat your MacSandwich [counterpoint: eat in, eat out]
Don't want to eat your MacSandwich [counterpoint: eat in, eat out]
Don't want to eat your MacSandwich
[recorded 4/98, 5/98, and 6/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Akira, Chicken Wing, Jack Schitt]
Note: WHFS refused to play this particular song for fear that one of
their sponsors, the McDonalds Corporation, would fail to recognize
that this is a farce about a fictional Scottish fast food chain.
SMELLS LIKE FISH
lyrics (C) 1998 Whipple
(apologies to Nirvana)
Load up on veal, use your tongue
It's fun to cook and eat the young
Their tender meat and tasty skin
Hot juices dribble down my chin
Jello jello jello jello
When you lick it, it turns gooey
When you eat it, it gets chewy
When al dente, you should steam it
When it's frothy, you should cream it
A zucchini, a banana, a salami, a burrito
A cucumber, a kielbasa, a kielbasa, a kielbasa, a kielbasa...
[recorded 7/98 and 8/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Chicken Wing, Jack Schitt]
Note: The Shrunken Headbangers never finalized the lyrics for this track.
SMELLS LIKE YEAST
lyrics (C) 1998 Wang, Whipple
(apologies to Nirvana)
Load up on buns, bring some yeast
It's fun to chose your bakery feast
It's overcooked and understood
I know I love those bakery goods
Smell those, smell those, smell those donuts
Smell those, smell those, smell those donuts
When the lights out at the bakery
They've got cheesecake, an they'll make me
Fresh hot muffins or a pastry
Here we are now at the bakery
A Milano, a fresh matzoh, a pecan roll, or a sub roll
A donut hole, a donut hole, a donut hole, a donut hole...
[recorded 7/98 and 8/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Chicken Wing, Jack Schitt]
Note: The Shrunken Headbangers never finalized the lyrics for this track.
SHE WON'T SWALLOW
lyrics (C) 1998 Laird, Whipple
(apologies to the Foo Fighters)
I thought she knew how to nibble lick and chew
How to slurp up all the goo from my Spam
How could I know, she did not like sloppy joe
Or kielbasa cooked to go with her clam?
I gave her all the meat I could
Guess my salami's just no good
She won't swallow anything
She won't swallow anything
It's time for lunch, it's time for lunch
Grab some buns, I've got meat
It's time for lunch, it's time for lunch
Ninety-nine [one] HFS-- Yes---
[recorded 10/97 and 8/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Akira, Ratko, Chicken Wing]
Note: The Shrunken Headbangers never finalized the lyrics for this track.
I'll PICK AROUND
lyrics (C) 1998 Wang
(apologies to the Foo Fighters)
I thought you knew, didn't look at the menu
I left the order up to you, as you pleased
How could I eat pizza with pepperonis
Your absurd anchovies
I still refuse all those toppings that you choose
Sausage might be right for you, get me cheese
I'll eat around all those olives you chow down
They were green but now they're brown chunks of grease
I've eaten all that I'll digest
Just need a slice and HFS
Pies don't go with everything!
Pies don't go with everything!
Pies don't go with everything!
Pies don't go with everything!
[recorded 10/97 and 8/98
Headbangers: Caligula, Akira, Ratko, Chicken Wing]
Note: The Shrunken Headbangers never finalized the lyrics for this track.