Bar Rules

Guide to Painfully Correct Leather Bar Behavior
Anonymous

1. Respect the dress code. A bar with a dress code is trying to create a specific atmosphere. If that atmosphere excites you, coöperate by dressing the part. If not, there are over 6.7 million drinking establishments in The United States alone. Go somewhere else without a fuss.

2. No cologne. No after shave. If you must wear some sort of scent, either WD-40 or a #3 diesel fuel has a nice bouquet and does wonders for dry skin.

3. A bar is a place of business, not a public drop-in center. It is bad form to just take up space and not generate commerce.

4. When ordering, know what you want and have your money ready. If you are thinking of ordering anything with a cutsie, clever name, that requires a blender or a little paper umbrella -- think again.

5. Don't ask for the bartender to mix you a strong drink. Ask for a double and pay for it.

6. If you drive, don't drink alcohol. The bartender doesn't care what you drink... have a nonalcoholic beer, a soft drink, or some juice.

7. There are a few things as embarrassing as being cut off at your favorite leatherpig trough. When you feel you've had enough, cut yourself off before you get stupid.

8. The customer is always right. Keep in mind, however, that it is the bartender who determines who is still a customer.

9. Do not snap your fingers or whistle unless the bartender happens to be a cocker spaniel.

10. About tipping: If you can't afford a tip, you can't afford to drink. Stay home and watch TV. according to my favorite innkeepers, if you can hear the tip hit the bar, you are being cheap. Someone is bout to think you are straight.

11. As a general rule, you don't fuck with the guy that signs your paycheck, cuts your hair, or mixes your drinks. The results are guaranteed to be anything but pleasant.

12. Don't get pissy when asked for ID or when asked to leave at closing. The bar doesn't make the laws, but it does have to enforce the law or risk its license. The same goes for sex, nakedness, and that spontaneous flogging demonstration you think you do so tastefully. If the bar staff tells you to cease and desist, don't hassle them.

13. And drugs. Why is it the least coordinated want to try and walk and chew gum at the same time? -- most of you can't handle one impairment without incident. Don't involve the bar with your other chemicals. Doing drugs (yeah, even that reefer you have a prescription for) in a bar ceases to be a private activity and imperils the business, the staff, and patrons and community. Just don't -- and if you must, take it somewhere without a liquor license.

14. Keep in mind that there is a difference between "drinking" and merely "getting drunk."

15. If you insist on making an ass of yourself, when you drink, drink only on New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day (or regionally, Mardi Gras in New Orleans and Hallowe'en in San Francisco). These are amateur nights and you will have more of company to blend with. Cheers!

1.	Respect the dress code. A bar with a dress code is trying to create a specific atmosphere. If that atmosphere excites you, coöperate by dressing the part. If not, there are over 6.7 million drinking establishments in The United States alone. Go somewhere else without a fuss.
2.	No cologne. No after shave. If you must wear some sort of scent, either WD-40 or a #3 diesel fuel has a nice bouquet and does wonders for dry skin.
3.	A bar is a place of business, not a public drop-in center. It is bad form to just take up space and not generate commerce.
4.	When ordering, know what you want and have your money ready. If you are thinking of ordering anything with a cutsie, clever name, that requires a blender or a little paper umbrella -- think again.
5.	Don't ask for the bartender to mix you a strong drink. Ask for a double and pay for it.
6.	If you drive, don't drink alcohol. The bartender doesn't care what you drink... have a nonalcoholic beer, a soft drink, or some juice.
7.	There are a few things as embarrassing as being cut off at your favorite leatherpig trough. When you feel you've had enough, cut yourself off before you get stupid.
8.	The customer is always right. Keep in mind, however, that it is the bartender who determines who is still a customer.
9.	Do not snap your fingers or whistle unless the bartender happens to be a cocker spaniel.
10.	About tipping: If you can't afford a tip, you can't afford to drink. Stay home and watch TV. according to my favorite innkeepers, if you can hear the tip hit the bar, you are being cheap. Someone is bout to think you are straight.
11.	As a general rule, you don't fuck with the guy that signs your paycheck, cuts your hair, or mixes your drinks. The results are guaranteed to be anything but pleasant.
12.	Don't get pissy when asked for ID or when asked to leave at closing. The bar doesn't make the laws, but it does have to enforce the law or risk its license. The same goes for sex, nakedness, and that spontaneous flogging demonstration you think you do so tastefully. If the bar staff tells you to cease and desist, don't hassle them.
13.	And drugs. Why is it the least coordinated want to try and walk and chew gum at the same time? -- most of you can't handle one impairment without incident. Don't involve the bar with your other chemicals. Doing drugs (yeah, even that reefer you have a prescription for) in a bar ceases to be a private activity and imperils the business, the staff, and patrons and community. Just don't -- and if you must, take it somewhere without a liquor license.
14.	Keep in mind that there is a difference between "drinking" and merely "getting drunk."
15.	If you insist on making an ass of yourself, when you drink, drink only on New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day (or regionally, Mardi Gras in New Orleans and Hallowe'en in San Francisco). These are amateur nights and you will have more of company to blend with. Cheers!