There are two rules for ultimate success in life: Number 1: Never tell everything you know.

With that said, let me vent. Ladies, who made that final decision that we all should conform to one size, wear uncomfortable shoes & implant those unnatural-looking gelsacs in our homes of flesh? Save your shekels. Let your shirt hang out. Wear flat shoes. Eat a muffin. Skinny people say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Need a sign that says you're stupid? Here's your sign. You don't deserve to eat. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

That's me, young at heart, slightly older in other places.

Do you ever wonder how many people have continued dating someone because they were too lazy to commit suicide? The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him. But not all men are annoying, some are dead. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really are suited to each other? Men don't roar, women roar, then they throw heavy objects. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. If men rule the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

Lunatic advice to the lovesick? Get over it. Get a dog.

I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap, you choose.

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. I'm not really cranky, I've just been in a very bad mood for the last 30 years. People say I'm a b*tch like it's a bad thing.

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. Too may freaks, not enough comets.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

So as you ease on down the road, remember: The less you say, the less you have to take back. AMEN...