Software Maintenance |
2/1/99 |
And you thought we did not care about customer
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so
please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now
estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product
identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product
serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your
computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest
typeface possible to prevent being seen. Please note that you made need
a zize 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your
original equipment manufaturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit
at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at
hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original
packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the
unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful customer -- and
threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that
sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the
plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they
recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for
your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !)
...
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while
explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will
cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further
communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of
every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we
all talk you know)
... Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to
enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about
you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you
have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters
on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent
and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up
your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the
time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will
be too senile to use it anyway.
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We would like you to forward us any mail which you find funny at Hridayesh@hotmail.com