Performance Appraisal
THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10
cell.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out.
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts:
The Top 16 Signs Someone at Work is Out to Get You
16. The Human Resources rep keeps advising you to apply for
extra dismemberment insurance.
15. The guy from shipping says they have to store some toxic
waste in your office for "just a couple days."
Your company, however, makes doilies.
14. Someone's been signing you up for the office blood drive.
Daily.
13. Everyone else gets e-mail. You get
"note-wrapped-around-a-brick-speeding-at-your-head-mail."
12. That "one free pantsdrop" rule is just one way of looking
at the Paula Jones case -- not a new law, like Larry said.
11. New job position posted: "Vice-President of My Butt"
Only applicant: You
10. Co-workers point and whisper that you're the one who ate
the "Bagel O' Death."
9. Somebody went to the trouble of making a little Hitler
mustache and swastika armband for your Dilbert doll.
8. You're honored to be in the "South Park" skit at the office
party, but why does everyone insist you play "Kenny"?
7. The sign on your office door, "Section Head, Information
Technology, Hardware Engineering And Design", has been
replaced with an acronym.
6. The pushy new Pastry Cart man looks an awful lot like that
Kevorkian guy.
5. Your position's symbol on the organizational chart now shows
up as a hanging stick figure.
4. During your diversity training, someone announces on the
intercom that "the cleaners are here with your Grand Wizard
outfit."
3. Your name is spelled out in urinal cakes in the men's room
trough.
2. Oh, come on -- it's not like your new Windows 98 operating
system just keeps crashing by itself!
1. "Shit piling up on your desk" no longer just an expression.
Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client
10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought
about it.
10. Can't stop using words that don't exist.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.
Prison vs. Work
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8
cubicle.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to
pay for it.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more
work.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and
unlock and open all the doors yourself.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing
games.
AT WORK...you have to share.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go
to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay
for prisoners.
AT WORK...you spend
most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
AT
WORK...they are called managers.
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
above this field."
"You must work in information technology" says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be a corporate manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going,
but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were
before we met, but now it's my fault."
9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.
8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you
started working here.
7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when
you're gone.
6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.
5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
4. So what do you need me to tell you?
3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a
three month project.
1. What are you, stupid?
9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles
wins.
8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're
speaking a foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing
about.
6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a
two-by-two matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make
you an expert.
1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than
any real work experience.
Home
Me
Cam
Travel
Photos
People
Psychology
Humor
Guestbook