Performance Appraisal

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Project Leader

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.
Prison vs. Work

IN spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN get three meals a day.
AT only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN get time off for good behavior.
AT get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN can watch TV and play games.
AT get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN get your own toilet.
AT have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology" says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be a corporate manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

The Top 16 Signs Someone at Work is Out to Get You

16. The Human Resources rep keeps advising you to apply for extra dismemberment insurance.

15. The guy from shipping says they have to store some toxic waste in your office for "just a couple days." Your company, however, makes doilies.

14. Someone's been signing you up for the office blood drive. Daily.

13. Everyone else gets e-mail. You get "note-wrapped-around-a-brick-speeding-at-your-head-mail."

12. That "one free pantsdrop" rule is just one way of looking at the Paula Jones case -- not a new law, like Larry said.

11. New job position posted: "Vice-President of My Butt" Only applicant: You

10. Co-workers point and whisper that you're the one who ate the "Bagel O' Death."

9. Somebody went to the trouble of making a little Hitler mustache and swastika armband for your Dilbert doll.

8. You're honored to be in the "South Park" skit at the office party, but why does everyone insist you play "Kenny"?

7. The sign on your office door, "Section Head, Information Technology, Hardware Engineering And Design", has been replaced with an acronym.

6. The pushy new Pastry Cart man looks an awful lot like that Kevorkian guy.

5. Your position's symbol on the organizational chart now shows up as a hanging stick figure.

4. During your diversity training, someone announces on the intercom that "the cleaners are here with your Grand Wizard outfit."

3. Your name is spelled out in urinal cakes in the men's room trough.

2. Oh, come on -- it's not like your new Windows 98 operating system just keeps crashing by itself!

1. "Shit piling up on your desk" no longer just an expression.

Top Ten Things a Consultant Shouldn't Tell a Client

10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.
8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here.
7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone.
6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.
5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
4. So what do you need me to tell you?
3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month project.
1. What are you, stupid?

Top Ten Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug

10. Can't stop using words that don't exist.
9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.
8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking a foreign language.
7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.
6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.
5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.
4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix.
3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.
2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.
1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.


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