The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
100 reasons it's great to be a guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop at every
shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you
go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without
even thinking. "He must be mad at me".
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too scary.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the
mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ... notice
anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere
from Bryan S.
There was a blonde girl named Anna that had a near death experience the
otherday when she was riding a horse. Everything ws going fine, till
the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her
might to hang on, but despite her attept she was thrown off. Just when
things couldn't get any worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head
continued to bounce harder and harder as the horse did not stop, or
even slow down. Just as she started to give up hope and about to loose
consciencness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to be passing by so he
unplugged the machine.
from Terra
Make Me Feel Like a Woman
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers
are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all
going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I
can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped
into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there
anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man
smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off
his shirt. She see his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.
He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you
feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
She eagerly nods her head "yes!"
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
A few months ago, Howard Stern hosted Julie Cailini ('96 Playmate of the
Year) and Stacey Sanchez ('97 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of
sordid joviality. The ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars,
answered ten questions from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how
important it is for them *AS ROLE MODELS* for young women to stay up
on current affairs. The ladies' answers were amusing (and a bit sad),
but the bit did prove that you don't have to be a neurosurgeon to earn a
pile of cash! Love him or hate him, you have to appreciate Howard's
sense of the absurd.
Q: Who is the President of Russia?
Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.
Q: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb?
Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?
Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
Q: What is the center of our solar system?
Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched
to what he termed "industry related" questions:
Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
Q: What is "Cristal?"
Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
Q: Who's face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?
from Mike I.
Julie: "Gorbachev"
Stacey: "Gretzky"
(correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)
Julie: "Something, something, for Certified Pianists"
Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization."
(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored
People)
Julie: "I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the
lightbulb guy."
Stacey: "I don't know."
(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the
phone guy!)
Julie: "Gore something-or-other."
Stacey: "Bill Clinton."
(correct answer: Newt Gingrich. For the benefit of international
members of the market-l, Al "Gore" is the U.S. Vice President, "Bill
Clinton" is our president. )
Julie: "I don't know."
Stacey: "Certified Investigation Association."
(correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)
Julie: "The Equator"
Stacey: "The Moon"
(correct answer: The Sun)
A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan."
A: both knew it was an elite champagne
A: both knew it was Porsche
A: both knew it was Ben Franklin
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