WEDDING HUMOR
INSTRUCTION and ADVICE for the YOUNG BRIDE
Submitted by: April Osburn
The following is an actual article published in 1894,by some fanatic
religious lady.
On the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and
Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for
the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed
Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers
beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers Pastor
of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern
Regional Conference Published in the year of our
Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press New York City.
To the sensitive young woman who has had the
benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is,
ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying
day of her life. On the positive side, there is
the wedding itself, in which the bride is the
central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring
ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a
male to provide for all her needs for the rest of
her life. On the negative side, there is the
wedding night, during which the bride must pay the
piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time
the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one
shocking truth. Some young women actually
anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity
and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish
and sensual husband can easily take advantage of
such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should
never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND
ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could
have been a proper marriage could become an orgy
of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be
extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at
worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and
has been by women since the beginning of time, and
is compensated for by the monogamous home and by
the children produced through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to
prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual
initiation. While the ideal husband would be one
who would approach his bride only at her request
and only for the purpose of begetting offspring,
such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected
from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost
every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of
two brief sexual experiences weekly during the
first months of marriage. As time goes by she
should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are
among the wife's best friends in this matter.
Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also
prove very effective, if used in the late evening
about an hour before the husband would normally
commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and
better methods of denying and discouraging the
amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife
should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to
once a week by the end of the first year of
marriage and to once a month by the end of the
fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed
to complete their child bearing and have achieved
the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual
contacts with the husband. By this time she can
depend upon his love for the children and social
pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the
quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride
will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and
degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature
rather perverted, and if given half a chance,
would engage in quite a variety of the most
revolting practices. These practices include among
others performing the normal act in abnormal
positions; mouthing the female body; and offering
their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about
sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or
suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male
is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride
will make it the goal never to allow her husband
to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to
display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it
cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in
total darkness. Many women have found it useful to
have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and
pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned
in separate rooms. They need not be removed
burning the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is
exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off
all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the
bed and await her groom. When he comes groping
into the room she should make no sound to guide
him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign
of encouragement. She should let him grope in the
dark. There is always the hope that he will
stumble and incur some slight injury which she can
use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as
possible. Bodily motion on her part could be
interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic
husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should
turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls
harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to
kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts
her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else
she should quickly pull the gown back in place,
spring from the bed, and announce that nature
calls her to the toilet. This will generally
dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden
territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with
lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly
remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask
him. Once he answers she should keep the
conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may
seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he
insists on having sexual contact, he must get on
with it without amorous embellishment.
The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up
no farther than the waist, and only permit him to
open the front of his pajamas to thus make
connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her
housework while his huffing and puffing away.
Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never
under any circumstances grunt or groan while the
act is in progress. As soon as the husband has
completed the act, the wise wife will start
nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes
him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a
major portion of their sexual satisfaction from
the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act
is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is
no peace in this period for him to enjoy.
Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for
more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be
grateful is the fact that the husband's home,
school, church, and social environment have been
working together all through his life to instill
in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his
sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage
couch apologetically and filled with shame,
already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife
seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly
pursues her goal first to limit, later to
annihilate completely her husband's desire for
sexual expression.