The Top 16 Signs Leonardo DiCaprio is not Your Prom Date
From the Top 5

16. He gets seasick just by looking at the "Titanic" theme decorations in the gymnasium.

15. DiCaprio: Sketched Kate Winslet nude on the Titanic. Your date: Whipped out a camcorder in a cheap hotel room.

14. Him: Star of "Titanic" You: Merely titanic

13. When *he* shouts "I'm the king of the world!!" it's because he finally found a parking place for the only boat *he's* associated with: his dad's '77 Lincoln Town Car.

12. He's actually the king of the water fountain next to the bike rack.

11. Leonardo: Annoyed by paparazzi in his face.
Your date: Annoyed by pepperoni on his face.

10. Leo: People's "50 Most Beautiful" coverboy.
Your date: Write-in candidate Bill Muse.

9. Leo has swarms of beautiful young girls all around him, but your date is swarmed only by common houseflies.

8. By odd coincidence, your bouquet is exactly the same kind of flower that grows in your ditch.

7. Claims he only put on those 300 lb. so he could get the lead role in "The Chris Farley Story."

6. When you offer to pose naked for a sketch, he insists you wear an "Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Star Trek"

T-shirt instead. 5. Leo's Mask? Iron.
Your date's mask? Leather with a zipper mouth.

4. Leo's tux by Oscar de la Renta.
Your date's tux by Oscar de la Meyer.

3. The only thing "titanic" about him is his libidinous desire to see *your* stern up in the air.

2. Sure, your date boycotted the Oscars and he looks hot in his tux, but Leo don't drive no Geo.

1. That Titanic zit on his nose makes dancing cheek-to-cheek a dicey proposition at best.

The Top 15 Rejected Theme Songs for the Movie "Titanic"
From the Top 5

15. Ironic
14. Under The Sea
13. Dancing on the Ceiling
12. Ice Ice Baby
11. FreeBerg
10. Smoke on the Water
9. Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
8. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall... the Floor... the Wall... the Ceiling... the Other Wall...
7. MmmBerg
6. Candle In The Water, 1912 ("Goodbye, English boat...")
5. When I'm Sixty-Four (Farenheit)
4. Hey, You, Get Offa My Raft
3. Achy Breaky Hull
2. Jump
1. Whoomp, There it Is!

A Shorter, Harsher Titanic

(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.

WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)


(Scene 2)

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the samething to me.

AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.

KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.

KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)


(Scene 3)

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)

ICEBERG: (hits boat)

FIRST MATE: That can't be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: (silence)

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?


(Scene 4)

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking

KATE: That is terrible

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?

KATE: Certainly.

WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet somehow-less- annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.

LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?

WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-

AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!

LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.


(Scene 5)

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today,with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty- Patootie! I'd turn you over my kneee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!

(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)

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