RELIGION
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it
was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he
just had to play golf. So.... he told the associate pastor that he was
feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed
out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting
up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and
everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking
down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get
away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the
pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT
WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why
did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi
notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What's that phone for?" he asks. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" the Pope
replies.
The Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and,
indeed, he is connected to
the Lord and chats away with Him for a while. After he hangs up the Rabbi
says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for
the charges I have used up." The Pope doesn't want to take the money,
but finally gives in, checks the counter and says: Allright! The charge was
50,000 Lira.", which the Rabbi gladly pays.
A couple of weeks later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit.
In the Rabbi's chambers he sees the identical phone he has with a direct
line to the Lord. The Pope asks if he could use it, because there were some
urgent matters he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly hands him
the phone and the Pope chats away. After he hangs up, he says: "Now I
also want to pay for my charges on your phone." The Rabbi looks on the
counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!" The
Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
from Mike I.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where
were you?". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds; look my child, look what I've just
finished making. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said what is it? God
replied, "its another planet, but this time, I' ve decided to put LIFE on it.
I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between evertyhing on
it.
For example, there's North America and South America. North America is
going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow
bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've
put a continent of white people in the North and another one of black
people in the South".
And then the archangel said, "and what's that long white line there?"
And God said "ahhh that's the land of the long white cloud - Aotearoa - (New
Zealand) that's a very special place. That's going to be the most
glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an
exquisite coastline. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and
humorous and they're going to be fond of travelling the world. They'll
be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieveing. And I'm going to
give them this superhuman, undefeatable rugby team which will be blessed with
the most talented, and charasmatic specimens on the planet, and they
will be admired and feared by all who come across them". Michael the
archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed,
"hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said ther was going to be a
balance....."
God replied wisely, "wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give
them".
from John P. in New Zealand
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes
the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what
causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women,
consuming too much alcohol, and by having contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
HUNTING FOR BEARS
A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he
trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and
steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on the other side of
the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was pulling
himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose.
The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance
and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind.
As he tumbled down the
hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that
he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never
been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday
morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy
with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life." The bear was no
more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks...
looked up to the heavens quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in
a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."
U.S. CHURCH BULLETINS BLOOPERS
15 Actual Announcements Taken From U.S. Church Bulletins:
- Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
- Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
- The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
the David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.
- Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
- Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his
private study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
- The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the
ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
- Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet. all those wishing to do something on the new
carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
- Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church Secretary.
- 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
- The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
- Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing
for the girth of their first child.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a
nominal feel.
- The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."