• Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
  
• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

• Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
  
• If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  
• Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
  
• If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

• What's the theater?
  
• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

• Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  
• It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
  
• When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

• Never take a beer to a job interview
  
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  
• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.

• A full moon reminds you of your mother-in-law pullin' weeds.
  
• A night on the town includes city jail.
  
• All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
  
• All of your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.
• All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
• All your Tupperware is old butter containers.
  
• All your wall decorations have horns on them.
  
• All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
  
• An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room.
  
• Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
  
• Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
  
• Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon jug.
  
• Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
  
• At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.
  
• Counting sheep makes you more aroused than sleepy.
  
• Coworkers start a petition over your coffee cup.
  
• Decorating for Christmas means holly on the propane tank.
  
• Directions to your house include"turn off the paved road."
  
• Drying your clothes depends on the weather.
  
• Every Christmas party includes at least one fight in the front yard.
  
• Every room in your house is a junk room.
  
• Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
  
• Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training video.
  
• For your anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.
  
• Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
  
• Going to the Laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck..
  
• If you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "Dual Air Bags."
  
• It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.
  
• It's impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.
  
• It's midnight and everyone on your street knows what album you're playing.
  
• Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
  

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