Redneck Driving Etiquette
Redneck Personal Hygiene
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids
can fit in.
Redneck Dining Out
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Redneck Entertaining in Your Home
- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After
all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how
good his manners are.
- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the
decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
Redneck Theater Etiquette
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's
bathroom wall two years a go."
- If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom
wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date
will end in frustration.
Redneck Wedding Etiquette
- What's the theater?
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions
- Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot
- Never take a beer to a job interview
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will,
it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral
YOU MAY BE A REDNECK IF...
- A full moon reminds you of your mother-in-law pullin' weeds.
- A night on the town includes city jail.
- All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
- All of your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.
- All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
- All your Tupperware is old butter containers.
- All your wall decorations have horns on them.
- All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.
- An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room.
- Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
- Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
- Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon jug.
- Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
- At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business"
right before the race starts.
- Counting sheep makes you more aroused than sleepy.
- Coworkers start a petition over your coffee cup.
- Decorating for Christmas means holly on the propane tank.
- Directions to your house include"turn off the paved road."
- Drying your clothes depends on the weather.
- Every Christmas party includes at least one fight in the front yard.
- Every room in your house is a junk room.
- Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in
the cab of the truck.
- Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training video.
- For your anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart
- Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in
- Going to the Laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck..
- If you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "Dual Air Bags."
- It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.
- It's impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.
- It's midnight and everyone on your street knows what album you're
- Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.