Part 5


1/28/98

Clinton denies the allegations:
"I didn't tell her to lie in deposition.
I told her to lie in dat position."
from the Late Show with Conan O'Brien

The Top 16 Nicknames for the Presidential Scandal
from the Top 5

16. Lolitagate
15. Quick! Time For Another War With Iraq!
14. The Crook, The Intern, The Wife, and that 'Hey Vern' guy
13. The D Cup Domes Scandal
12. Starr Wars
11. Ex-intern killed in freak missile accident-gate
10. The Lay of Pigs
9. Stain of the Union Undress
8. Monicaca
7. "Paid for by Gore/Rodham 2000"-gate
6. Pubic Missile Crisis
5. Linguapalooza
4. Honey, I shrunk my approval rating
3. Gaining-On-Wilt-gate
2. Tail to the Chief
1. Bad Will Hunting

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is going to give a statement to the press?
They're billing it as The State of His Unit Undressed.
from the Clinton Joke of the Day

The president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn't be confused when she walked past the Oval Office and heard, "Roll over, sit, stay. Good. Now here's your bone."

Hillary is planning to install the latest security device on Bill's zipper. Blo-jack.

Jay Leno says...

  • "Let me be the first to welcome President Gore!"

  • Scandal in the Wind: Bill Clinton's alleged affair with a White House intern means Al Gore "is now just an orgasm away from the presidency."

  • "Only Clinton could divert people's attention off a sex scandal with another sex scandal."

  • "You gotta feel sorry for Hillary. In fact, she's written a book, 'It Takes a Village To Keep an Eye on My Husband."

  • "Clinton seems to be getting stressed about this situation, in fact he even cancelled today's nooner."

  • "Monica is considering suing the president. She wants $1 million for pain and suffering, and $2.50 for dry cleaning."

  • "The Super Bowl was so exciting that Bill Clinton jumped up and knocked the intern right off his lap."

On the other talk shows...

Conan O'Brien:

  • "Hillary Clinton said that while the President was testifying in the Paula Jones case she was doing some household chores. Little things like sewing the President's pants to his shirts."

David Letterman:
  • "President Clinton apparently gets so much action that every couple of weeks they have to spray WD-40 on his zipper."
  • (While a photograph is shown of President Clinton posing with several women): "February 1996 -- Clinton poses for the annual 'Interns I've Slept With' photograph."

Keenan Ivory Wayans:
  • "Some of the women he's been with have actually said that the president told them that oral sex is not a sin according to the Bible. What Bible has he been reading? Definitely not the King James version. He got the Rick James version."

Ironic, isn't it?
Linda Tripp is bringing Bill Clinton to his knees instead of the other way around.
Bob Woll

"Top Ten White House Jobs That Sound Dirty"
from the Late Show with David Letterman

10. Polishing the Presidential Podium
9. Unwrapping the Big Mac
8. Taking Buddy for a walk
7. Handling the hotline
6. Vacuuming under the Oval Office desk
5. Waxing Air Force One
4. Shaking hands with the French Ambassador
3. Giving the President an oral briefing
2. Taking dictation
1. Polling

The American people stand ultimately dumbstruck, in the realization that despite being the leader of the free world, Bill can't nail a better class of chick.

Clinton went on to explain that a sexual relationship is not "improper"... unless you pay too much for it.

Taking a page out of Richard Nixon's book, Clinton plans to address the accusations about him "and" his anatomy, in what he's calling the "I Am Not Crooked" speech.

from "The Daily Show"

1/27/98

Overheard...

  • Bill's Legacy: "Americans can be assured of one thing after this administration leaves office: They won't rename any White House sleeping quarters the 'Clinton Bedroom.'" (Paul Ecker)

  • Clinton's New Bumper Sticker: "If you see Air Force One-a-rockin', don't bother knockin'." (Zack Taylor)

  • "I feel sorry for this Monica Lewinsky. She was promised a lot of things, and apparently she's just now realizing there's really no such official position as "Ambassador of Love.'" (Jim Rosenberg)

  • "Things are getting weird at the White House. Reportedly, President Clinton has asked to borrow a pair of Ted Kaczynski's underwear." (Karl Schweitzer - former news reporter now fulltime Papa)

  • "The president's deposition in the Paula Jones case was tough. Asking Bill Clinton to remember a specific episode of sex harassment is like asking Hank Aaron to remember a specific home run." (Alan Ray)

  • "President Clinton gives his annual State of the Union address this week. He'll reveal a new plan for cutting the cost of government. A lot of the work could be done by interns." (Ray)

  • More Waterbed-gate: "White House intern Monica Lewinsky should've been suspicious when Linda Tripp answered the phone with 'Testing? one, two, three, testing.'" (Daily Scoop)

  • Clinton's Next Step: "Have you seen 'Wag the Dog?' If I were Albania, I'd be real nervous right now." (Daily Scoop)

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.

White House Crisis Watch

It was reported on Sunday morning that Clinton's Chief of Staff, Erskin Bowls, approached the president with some news.
"Mr. President," he began, "I am afraid I have some bad news,good news and some bad news for you."
"Give it to me in order," requested the president.
"The bad news is that a picket demanding your impeachment is in front of the White House," said Erskin.
"What is the good news?" asked the president.
"Well," said Erskin cautiously, "there is only one so far."
"That not too bad," said the president, "what could be so bad about that?"
"Its Gore holding the sign." said Erskin.

A federal judge issued a gag order in Paula Jones' harassment suit against President Clinton. What a coincidence. A gag order is what got this whole thing started in the first place.

Name that scandal...

  • Naughtygate
  • Waterbedgate
  • Oralgate
  • Fornigate
  • Hottergate
  • Zippergate
  • Jailbategate
  • Willie-gate

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win?
Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.

CLINTON-SPEAK
from the Tonight Show

What Clinton says What he really means
I was not lying. I was standing up and she was lying.
I wasn't adultery. She wasn't even an adult.
I did not have oral sex with her. She was having it with me.
It is time to get on with the nations' business. If this isn't off the front page by tomorrow, I'm bombing Iraq.

What a saxophone player that Monica Lewinsky turned out to be!
(Drew Carey)

What is Bill Clinton's favorite musical instrument?
The whore-monica

White House Internship Recruitment Information

Greetings prospective White House interns!

This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

  • Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
  • Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
  • See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
  • Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ... Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."

-- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

Interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov

Name: __________
Hometown: __________
Sex: F__
Age: ____
Measurements: (required for medical purposes) _____
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly: _____
...Drunk: _____
...Hot: _____
...To lie to a federal prosecutor: _____

Quick quiz:

You've always considered the White House:

  1. a monument to democracy
  2. the place where great leaders meet
  3. vaguely erotic
  4. extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
  1. model wife and mother
  2. icon of late 20th century femininity
  3. an obstacle
  4. inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
  1. Israeli policies
  2. childhood in Hope, Ark.
  3. romper room
  4. "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
  1. hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
  2. reading, studying
  3. late nights working at the White House
  4. late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.

Uncle Sam wants you.

While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage.
The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington.
After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute.
The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the White House.
The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young."
A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old."
Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!"

Do you have any jokes you want to see here?
Send them to Charlotte.
Also be sure to visit Charlotte's Web before you leave.

Don't miss Art Faux's Clinton Lewinsky Scandal Fine Art Gallery!
Links to other Clinton scandal sites.

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