(More) Clinton Scandal

Page 3

2/8/98

Did you hear that Certs signed on Monica Lewinsky as a spokesperson?
Her new slogan is "It's the perfect cover up!"
An exclusive from my friend Frank

If President Clinton wants to raise money by placing 'sin' taxes on tobacco and alcohol, why doesn't he place one on condoms?
Because the President has never had a smoking or drinking problem.

The Washington Post reported that Monica Lewinsky told a co-worker she wanted to have sex with President Clinton on his Oval Office desk. Luckily, she couldn't do it because that requires a $25,000 campaign contribution.
from Late Night with Conan O'Brien

What is Monica Lewinsky's favorite instrument?
Well, she's pretty good on the piano, but she sucked on the organ.

The former Surgeon General was discussing who is the easiest to operate on with some friends.

One surgeon said engineers were the easiest to operate on because their insides were color coded.

One surgeon said librarians were the easiest because their insides were arranged in alphabetical order.

Elders said that Clinton was the easiest person to operate on by far. He has no guts, no spine, no heart and this dick and brain are interchangeable!

Clinton broke the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

Do you know why bill clinton doesn't use bookmarkers?
Because he likes to bend the pages.

Commonwealth Network

Hillary Clinton may be the First Lady, but she certainly isn't the last.

2/4/98

Why is America called the land of opportunity?
Because only in America could the lowest intern bring down the most powerful man.

What did Ms. Lewinsky was allegedly say when offered a position at the the U.N?

Would that, then, be a "missionary position?"

Realization of another White House intern:
And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!

"I saw in the paper today that President Clinton was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. It was a little story on page 32 right after the interview with Monica Lewinsky's 3rd grade teacher."

--Conan O'Brien

Why did Monica get the job in the White House in the first place?
When Bill asked for references he heard "she sucks".

The Top 15 Movies Based on the Monica Lewinsky Story
from the Top 5

15. Lady and the Scamp
14. Look Who's Sweating Now
13. Phallus in Wonderland
12. 101 Depositions
11. All the President's Yen
10. Sex, Lies and Audiotape
9. That Thing You Do
8. Silence of the Ma'ams
7. The Lyin' King
6. Big Hair, Big City
5. As Wood As It Gets
4. 'Terns of Impeachment
3. Pants/Off
2. My Spare Lady
1. Cleavage and Butt-Head Do America

After the Super Bowl, Clinton phoned to congratulate the Broncos.
Then, Clinton received a congratulatory phone call from Frank Gifford.

The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."

Statue Committee
1040 Bufoo Street
Little Rock, AR 72205
(507)372-1992

Dear Friend,

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside George Washington, who never told a lie; and not beside that of Jessee Jackson, who never told the truth, as Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, he returned not knowing where he had been and did it all on borrowed money. Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the Children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 5,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Now Bill Clinton is going to steal the shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Fraternally,

Bill Clinton Statue Committee

P.S. It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives false sense of security while being screwed.

Clinton's idea of safe sex is closing an unlocked door.

The Top 15 Graffiti Sayings in the White House:
from the Top 5

15 Mute Newt!
14 The toilet paper can't be reached, and I'm about to be impeached 13 This is my veto, this is my cane. This one's fer sell'n, and this one's fer lay'n.
12 If you think love is blind call the Justice Department . . . Ask for Janet.
11 Kenneth Starr does it in his briefs.
10 Flush twice; it's a long way to Congress.
9 George Washington slept here... but we're still waiting for the check!
8 Bubba Slept Here.. and here.. and here...
7 Whig Party Rulz 4ever!!!
6 Here I sit, broken hearted -- my welfare bill has been discarded.
5 Paula exaggerated.
4 Clinton is a potatoe head!
3 If your missile is having a crisis, call Marilyn at 555-3621
2 Buddy Sniffs Butts
1 Here I sit all broken hearted, wish that Intern's lips had never parted!

How many full time White House Staff Members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they make the interns do all the screwing.

Why is Bill Clinton a bad carpenter?
Because every time he screws, his cabinet falls apart.

Top 10 Lines from Monica Lewinsky's Resume

10. Served as one of only 12 Presidential handlers.
9. Many interns put out press releases for staff; I put out for the President.
8. Acted as White House affairs liaison.
7. Scheduled President's comings and goings.
6. Designed Clinton statue; Chaired erection committee.
5. Defined and tested Clinton's "No Fly Zone."
4. Assisted Commander in Chief in sending seamen into active duty.
3. Debunked story that Lincoln Bedroom was reserved for political favors.
2. Maintained President's in box.
1. Raised Clinton's poll standing.

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
The nation.

How does the White House know that the latest scandal will blow over soon?
Because the President unzipped his pants and didn't see his shadow.
from the Clinton Joke of the Day

Clinton told an aide today "I'm not saying I had oral sex with that woman, but if I did it would be because I love my wife."

Most people have to worry about getting AIDS from sex.
Meanwhile, Clinton gets sex from aides.

What's President Clinton's favorite game?
Pokeher

Linda: Monica, what color is the dress the President gave you?
Monica: Blue.
Linda: I didn't ask how you got it, I asked what color it was.

Do you have any jokes you want to see here?
Send them to Charlotte.
Also be sure to visit Charlotte's Web before you leave.

Don't miss Art Faux's Clinton Lewinsky Scandal Fine Art Gallery!
Links to other Clinton scandal sites.

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