Sources say that Monica Lewinsky is outraged by Bill Clinton's claims that their relationship was purely sexual. "Hey!" she said, "It was also delusional!"
from Conan O'Brien

Ken Starr told Bill he wanted him to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Bill said "I can't do it, those are three different things! from Owen J.

Proposed new Welcome signs on Arkansas Interstates:

WELCOME TO ARKANSAS...

...Home of Socks The Cat.
-- Visit Our Many Convicted Clintons!
...Home of the World's Biggest Jerk.
-- Phone 1-800-BLOW JOB for hotel information.
-- Beautiful Mountains, and Not A Virgin In Sight.
-- Sure, We're Rednecks, But We're Sexy Rednecks.
-- That's 1 for the Honey, 2 for the Blow,
3 to Get Neked, and 4 Years in Jail.
from "Uncle Jeff"

Elementary school teacher: All right class. we're going to have a little quiz. I'm going to ask questions, and if you give the correct answer, you get to go home for the day.

1. Who said "give me liberty or give me death"?
Schoolgirl: Patrick Henry.
Teacher: That's right. You get to go home.

2. Who said "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"?
Schoolgirl 2: JFK.
Teacher: That's right. You can go home, too.

Schoolboy: Damn girls should keep their mouths shut.
Teacher: Who said that?
Schoolboy: Bill Clinton. See you tomorrow.
from Chris N.

Did you hear---- The grand jury made Monica open her hand up in court-----The found a "wad of Bills"!!!!!!
from Gael and Rich

Commonwealth Network

This is from a contest. The requirements were to use the words (Monica) Lewinski and (Ted) Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the winners:

Entry #1:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry #2:
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry #3:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

from Connie G.

What's Monica LEWINSKY doing with her cheeks puffed out?
Withholding evidence.
from David D./Aussie Land

      A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
      The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
      He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow!! That's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
      The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
      By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.
      Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl.
      "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
from Diane M.

Top Ten Clinton Nicknames or Ben and Jerry Flavors

10. Slick Willie
9. Chunky Monkey
8. Double Nut Joy
7. Subpoenas 'n' Cream
6. Impeach-Mint
5. Candy Pants
4. Chocolate Chip Doughboy
3. Chilly Hillbilly
2. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl
1. Vanilla

Word of the Day:

fugacious (fyoo-GAY-shuhs) adjective

   1. Passing away quickly; evanescent.
   2. Botany. Withering or dropping off early.
   3. Clinton's presidency

[From Latin fugax, fugac-, from fugere, to flee.

What do you call Monica Lewinsky with a runny nose?
Full.
from Scott K.

"Monica, meet Chelsea."
"Chelsea, meet your new Mother."


At the Gore-Gephardt inaugural celebration, organizers will pay homage to former President Clinton by flying in some hookers from Memphis...


After months of work, Arkansas organizers have finally selected the city of Hot Springs as formal site of the new Clinton Presidential Condom.


TV Movie of Mrs. Clinton's Life:
"Ice Station Hillary"

from "Uncle Jeff"

Updated 8/18/98

Bill Clinton--the man who put the "moan" in "testimony"...

A new poll shows that 12% of Americans believe that oral sex isn't sex.
Well they must not be doing it right.
from Jay Leno

      Bill and Hillary were taking stroll outside the White House gates one morning and came upon a little boy trying to give away a litter of puppies. When Hillary remarked about how cute they were, the little boy said,"Yes, ma'am, they are. They're democrats."
      Hillary thought this was so sweet that she told the boy if he still had one left by the weekend, she would be glad take one of them home. The boy agreed and Bill and Hillary walked on. So comes the weekend and Bill and Hillary are again strolling in front of the White House and notice the little boy with the puppies. Hillary walks up and greets the young man, who has two puppies left. She fawns over both of them and the boy remarks this time, "Only two left ma'am, and they're both republicans."
      Hillary quickly sneered and said," But the other day, you said they were democrats."
      The boy replied, "Well, yes ma'am, but since then, they've opened their eyes."
from Steve A.

The president was sitting next to the pope on a plane. The flight attendant came around with some liquor. Bill took some, but the pope replied "I'd rather be viciously raped by a mad whore than have whisky touch these lips. Bill held up his drink and replied "I didn't know we had a choice.
from Rebekah R.

Updated 8/17/98

The Top 12 Questions Ken Starr Has for the President
from the Top Five

12. "Let's speed this up--who *haven't* you nailed?"
11. "Aha! So you admit you've had sex!!!! What's it like? Is it fun?"
10. "And the situation in Bosnia didn't distract you from the booty call?"
9. "Can I have some of those fries?"
8. "Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your semen was pretty cool?"
7. "Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!"
6. "Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving end of a probe for a change?"
5. "Would you, could you in a boat?
    Have you, did you with a goat?"
4. "Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?"
3. "Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you know butt-ugly?"
2. "Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?"
1. "Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?"

The most recent reports of the stain on Monica's dress have been released.
This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy.

Updated 6/8/98

The Top 16 Books Purchased by Monica Lewinsky
from the Top Five

16. The Tapes of Wrath
15. Horton Hatches A Scandal
14. Midnight in the Rose Garden of Good and Evil
13. Lowered of the Fly
12. How to Give Ahead in Business Without Really Trying
11. Bill Clinton's Private Parts
10. Men are from Mars, Kneepads are from Reebok
9. I'm OK, You're Subpoenaed
8. The Art of the Kneel
7. Linda Tripp is a Big Fat Idiot
6. All I Really Needed to Know I Learned From Vacuum Cleaners
5. Getting To Oh, God, Yes!
4. Releasing the Giant Within
3. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Underside of the Desk in the Oval Office But Were Afraid to Ask
2. Profiles in Cleavage
1. Great Expectorations

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered.

Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard" You got me pregnant!!!"

The President remained silent.

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"

Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"

To the tune "My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music"

The Bill Clinton version:
My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things,

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things,

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things,

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things,

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things,

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things...
And then I don't feel so bad.

copyright 1998 Wayne Aaronson

Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.

Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

15. Your new paper boy is 35, wears dark sunglasses, a black suit, an ear piece and carries a semi-automatic.

14. Your new friend Linda starts every conversation with "Testing... 1, 2, 3."

13. You're a highly paid White House intern and suddenly, out of the blue, somebody gives you a typing test.

12. You could swear you see Yassir Arafat following you. (Oops! That's a sign you're being investigated by *Ringo* Starr.)

11. Your dry cleaners just hired a dozen Secret Service agents and added a hi-tech stain analysis lab.

10. Your best friend from 2nd grade is granted immunity after rumors implicate you in the "paste-eating incident of 1968."

9. You haven't been subjected to this many embarrassing leaks since you had that little bladder problem.

8. All of a sudden that video you returned two days late becomes "Ace Ventura-Gate."

7. The DMV insists you pose for your driver's license picture nude from the waist down.

6. Jay Leno's making lame jokes about you and you're not an Iraqi dictator.

5. You don't mind your toddler asking for a "detailed account of your unscrupulous business practices" in lieu his usual bedtime story, but you feel downright silly talking into his rattler.

4. You're the only contributor who's getting topics like "Top 5 Signs I've Made Millions In Shady Land Deals."

3. Pupils in Lincoln's portrait dilate a bit when the French Ambassador's daughter asks you to pass the KY.

2. For a change, Diane Sawyer is camped out in front of your house, instead of vice versa.

1. Since when did Lucky Charms start including "Crunchy Microphones""

Updated 2/18/98

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office"
Don't hit your head on the desk.
from Seth

How many democrats does it take to screw a lght bulb?
Only one, but Hillary thinks it is a republican conspiracy.
from Derek W.

Why isn't President Clinton going to bring the troops back from the Persian Gulf anytime soon?
Because there are so many husbands away from so many wifes it will take him months to catch up.
from Mike I.

According to the "Lewinsky Tapes" on which Monica supposedly describes her sexual relationship with Bill Clinton, their encounters were "infrequent". But now a reader asks: is "infrequent" one word or two?
from Bryan S.

One of Clinton's advisors came in and said "the Jennifer Flowers thing has come up again." Clinton responded, "Oh no, what now?" The advisor said, "Well, there's good news and bad news." Clinton said, "I've had a rough day...give me the good news first." The advisor replied,"The good news is...you're bigger than Magic Johnson."
from Neal

Overheard in the White House:
Don't get Monica angry!
Why not?
She'll give you a severe tongue lashing!
from Lou H.

2/18/98

One day I was walking along a dock, and on one side, I saw Bill Clinton Drowning. On the other side, I saw Steve Case (President of AOL) drowning. I had a tough decision to make. Should I have a burrito or a cheeseburger for lunch.
from Shane R.

The Top 15 White House Valentine's Day Poems

16. After years of indiscretion, at last I've come to learn, that I must send this Valentine, To Whom it May Concern.
15. Valentine, I think you're great -- a Chief Executive who can delegate. And you warm this First Lady's heart, by having interns do the unpleasant part.
14. On most every day, I like McDonald's fries; On Valentine's Day, I prefer Monica's thighs -- Super Sized!
13. Will you deny, Valentine?
12.Hey, Big Creep, on Valentine's Day -- we'll play Marilyn and JFK. Just make sure that Hillary's gone, 'cause you get me interned on!
11.How do I love thee" Let me count the entries in the visitors' log.
10.Monica, Monica, quiet young mouse -- taking her Bill to the floor of the House.
8.Hi there! Happy Valentine's day! Sorry to serve your subpoena this way.
7.Roses are red, then they turn gray, My heart goes pitter-pat when you wear that beret.
6.Shall I compare thee to my high school drama teacher?
5.Twinkle, twinkle, Kenneth Starr, I talked to Vernon in the car. I promised him my lips are sealed, but I'll change my mind, for a sweet book deal.
4.As soon as I'm finished bombing Iraq, I'd like to get you in the sack.
3.Will you, on the night in question of February 14th, be my Valentine?
2.Violets are blue, Roses are thorny. All hell breaks loose, when Bubba gets horny.
1.I'll bomb England, I'll bomb France, if you'll remove my underpants.
from the Top 5

Why is Monica always on top?
Because Bill can only screw up.
from dethrock@aol.com

Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
All pants half off.
from Robert B.

Bill Clinton and Chelsea are walking along a beach in California. Summoning up all the courage a father can, he asks... "Chelsea, how is college going, socially" Do you have any, uh, boyfriends, and are you being, un, nice?"

Chelsea thinks for a second, then replies "Well Dad, if you're asking me 'Am I having sex,' well, the answer is no, not as YOU define it."
from Michael I.

A bumper sticker I saw driving through Indianapolis, "Cluck Finton."
from the Granbergs

What does Monica Lewinsky have in common with the Green Bay Packers?
They both blew the big one.
from okenny

The country seems to be doing pretty good -- everybody's got a job, money is up, lot of houses. How many people care that the President's having sex" Does it bother anybody" See, that's basically the difference between the Republicans and the Democrats . The Republicans are after your money, the Democrats are after your sister.
from Jay Leno

Bill suddenly realised he could wrap up early, what with UK France and China asking him to hold off bombing Iraq for a few days more, so he took a stroll through the corridors of power. He came across this young secretary and suggested a drink. After a highball, she took him into the study for a mammoth BJ session, then let herself out. Bill went to his drawer and took out a chalk bag and rubbed his hands in it furiously.

With his hands behind his back to walked into his private quarters to find Hillary standing there glaring at him. "Where the HELL have you been to this hour"" she demands to know. "Well, I bumped into a young secretary bird and we had a drink, since then she's been on my dick in the study for the last three hours". Hillary grabs his hands and studies them. "You lying son-of-a-bitch, you've been bowling!".
from Bryan S.

It's been reported that immunity talks for Monica Lewinsky have broken down because she refused to say that President Clinton told her to lie. On the other hand, she is willing to say he told her to bark like a dog.
from Conan O'Brien

Word here in Florida is that Clinton is viewing re-runs of the PBS :I Cludius" series. On Easter Sunday he plans to announce he has been transmogrified into a "god". They expect Monday poll approval to top 80%. Also, as a "god", he's our ruler for life!
from Bob S.

You know how when Clinton was confronted with smoking pot?" His reply months later was that he did in fact smoke pot but he didnt inhale....

Now with the Monica thing he's going to say....
Alright, I had sex with her...But I didnt come!
from DL dlflat@ols.net

COINCIDENCE?

Booth- Shot Lincoln in the back of the head.
Monica- Clinton shot her in the face.

Booth- Did his dirty deed on a theatre.
Monica- Did the dirty deed with her theatre coach.

Booth- Tripped, broke his leg.
Monica- Linda Tripp broke her friendship.

Booth- Killed by a religious zealot who had no testicles. (This is true, look it up!)
Monica- Kenneth Starr

Booth- Died in a barn.
Monica- Big as a barn.

Booth- Mary Todd Lincoln
Monica- Hillary Rodham Clinton (Amazing, no difference!)

Booth- Co-conspirators were hanged straight away.
Monica- A very important co-conspirator is hung crookedly, by all reports.

Booth- Had a moustache.
Monica- Wait ten years, there won't be any difference here either.

Gifts to White House Interns:
For services rendered....male interns...pen and pencil sets....female interns...knee pads.
from Herb I.

When asked if I was going to watch Clinton's State Of The Union Address, I replied, "why would I want to listen to Clinton blow his own horn for an hour?" Then the thought occured to me, if Clinton could blow his own horn, he wouldn't be in this mess.
from the Granbergs

Who are the three most dangerous women in Washington?

1. Monica Lewinsky with a lawyer
   
2. Hillary Clinton with a theory
   
3. An intern with a chipped tooth

"Our good friend, a man I admire deeply, former President Jimmy Carter has been hospitalized for the treatment of a skin rash. He's gonna be fine, but if any Democratic president came down with a skin rash, I think it'd be Clinton."
from Jay Leno