Commonwealth Network

Updated 9/7/98

Now Clinton is only the third president in history to be investigated in impeachment hearings. So now he is in the same company as a Dick and a Johnson.
from the Daily Show

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC

DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson

Dear Mr. Starr,

The test on the dress came back inconclusive.
Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Sorry,
FBI

from Diane M.

How does Clinton practice safe sex?
He doesn't light the cigar.

When Jennifer Flowers was asked if the relationship she shared with the President was similar to that experienced between the President and Monica Lewinsky, Jennifer replied, "It was close - but no cigar."
from Connie G.

If Bill and Hillary were on a sinking ship, who would survive?
The nation!
from Gene S.

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill, the minutes he come upstairs from the Oval Office?
She wants to be the First Lady

Clinton's Presidential Anthem--Kneel to the Chief
from bsg

The Marine Corps Band at the White House recently got new sheet musice for "Jail to the Cheat."
from High Plains Fire Prevention Team

What does Bill Clinton call Monica's ears ?
Love handles...

What's the difference between the leader of Islamic Terrorism and the leader of the United States Of America?
One's Bin Laden, the other's bin laid in the White House!
from Robyn S.

Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party logo from a donkey to a condom because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
from Michael I.

Bill Gates is in town (New York) showing all the computer executives how well Windows 98 works. But computer executives say that Windows 98 goes down so much they are thinking about renaming it "MONICA"
from Michael I.

Try this....

Open Word and type....
I'd like to impeach Bill Clinton

Then highlight this phrase and click on Tools...Thesaurus...

It's pretty funny...

from Heather M.

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
"Presidue"
from Michael I.

What does the D.C. in Washington, D.C. stand for?
Disappearing Cigar
from Ann B.

Updated 9/21/98

10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess
 9.  The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
 8.  If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
 7.  If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
 6.  Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
 5.  So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
 4.  He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
 3.  Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
 2.  Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
 And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:
 1.  If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral

from Chip I.

NEW DOLL ON SALE:
CLINOCHIO

A : did you sleep with Bill Clinton ?
B : No, did you ?
A : no ! - small world isn't it ?

from Netta P.

Did you know that Hillary is writing a new book?
The title is: "it takes a village..... to satisfy my husband."
from Ms. Ellie

Bill Clinton was walking around the White House with a pair of women's panties hung over his arm. When asked why, he replied"I'm on the patch."
from Joanne Z.

What were Clinton's picks for the Final Four basketball tournament?
A: 1. Moorehead State 2. Ball State 3. Bringham Young 4. Oral Roberts U.
from Mark

Updated 9/17/98

What would Bill Clinton get if he took Viagra?
Taller
from Gary

I heard that Clinton called Sammy Sosa to congratulate him on his 62nd home run. "How do you do it?," he asked Sosa. "I can only get to third base."

What will Clinton's presidency be remembered for?
Following bush.
from Laura F.

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives.

Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world.

"That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world".

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth.

First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???"

from Heather M.

Clinton and Gore are sitting around in the oval office, shooting the breeze. After a while, as expected, the Lewinsky situation came up.

Gore says, You know Bill, I just think we have different mindsets about things. For example, I don't believe in premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper before we got married. How about you?"

Clinton paused and thought, then said, "I don't know Al, what was her maiden name again?

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper.

The scandal was begun when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was"thrilled to have had his child."

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men".

Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

One word (Hi) Definition for Clinton : Ambisextrous!

A friend recently said, "I imagine Bill is pretty pissed off right about now". And I replied, "yeah well, I've been pissed off for the past six years.

Only in America can a homeless Vietnam vet live in a cardboard box, and a radical draft-dodger live in the Whitehouse.

from an anonymous reader

Martha Stewart pulls Clinton lunch segment

Martha Stewart canceled a pre-taped tv show featuring President Clinton in which she gave him a monogrammed bed pillow, saying it would be "inappropriate" to air the piece at this time. The show was taped in June at Stewart's studio. It was to have aired Friday as the grand finale for the show's sixth season premier week. But the segment was pulled as Congress prepared to release publicly independent counsel Kenneth Starr's report on the Clinton sex-and-perjury scandal by putting it on the Internet. During the pre-taped segment, Stewart presented Clinton with a monogrammed bedroom pillow. Holding the pillow up to the camera, she said, "I'm sure he'll enjoy using this."

from the Washington Post

Updated 9/11/98

It looks like the only thing Clinton could do to save himself now is hit 63 home runs.


A recent survey showed that teenagers are much more likly to know Leonardo DiCaprio than Al Gore...
What is the difference between Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore?
Gore really knows what it is like to go down on a sinking ship.

from Jay Leno

Aside from getting caught, what has Clinton's biggest mistake been in the Lewinsky affair?
Not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive her home!
from Paul from the Land of Oz

Who is Clinton's favorite President?
Johnson
from Eddie M.

Monica walks into the Oval Office one morning. President Clinton looks up and says, "you know, I've liked that dress since I first spotted it."
from John D.

Updated 9/6/98

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

"Knock knock."
    "Who's there?"
"President Bill Clinton"
    "President Bill Clinton who?"
"That's right Monica. NOW you can give your testimony."

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.

Schwartznegger has a big one,
Michael Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
what is it?
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a last name........ Were you thinking of something else?

Moses was complaining to God that the Ten Commandments didn't seem to cover all the offenses that Clinton was committing. It seemed that another commandment was needed to cover what he was doing. God agreed and said that he would get back to Moses right away.

The next day, God said unto Moses,"Moses, henceforth, there shall be an eleventh commandment: 'Thou shalt not show thy rod to thy staff.'"

What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver?
A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup"
His nickname for Monica? "My little suctioncup"

Why is Bill Clinton sending the wrong message to America's young people?
He wasn't wearing a condom.

Why does Hillary like Buddy the dog better than Bill Clinton?
Because Buddy chases his own tail.

Monica was asked by the Democratic Party to make a campaign contribution. She declined, saying that she gave at the office.
from Ronald R.

What did they find on Monica Lewinsky's dress?
A wad of Bill's
Erica M.

Why did Clinton bomb the terrorists?
After Monica, he figured he was getting good at bringing people to their knees.
from Timothy O

The top ten things that Bill Clinton's closest family, friends, and aides wish they hadn't heard him say:

No. 10. "Hillary, it sure would be nice to have a little retirement place out on the White River."

No. 9. "Hillary's worried about what to do with all the money we're gonna' make on Whitewater. I wonder if anybody over at Tyson's knows anything about futures trading!"

No. 8. "Vince Foster's been sniffin' around Hillary again. I wish I had that s.o.b. outa' my hair!"

No. 7. "We oughta' have one or two experienced Republicans to help us run this place. Do we have files on any people we might wanna' talk to?"

No. 6. "Y'know what, Hillary? This place would make one helluva' fine hotel!"

No. 5. "How many reporters do we have to take with us when we travel? There oughta' be a way some of our friends could make a buck or two offa' that!"

No. 4. "Hillary, that damned stack of paper you're hidin' under the bed puts one helluva' lump in the mattress. Get rid of it!"

No. 3. "Tell Al to get off his dead ass and go raise some money in California!"

No. 2. "Our balance of trade with Asia is terrible. There oughta' be a way to get some of that cash flowin' back this way!"

And the number one thing Clinton people wish they hadn't heard him say:

"Hey, Lindsey! Did you see that cute little intern who wears knee pads to work every day? I'll bet she's just dyin' to do somethin' nice for her president!"

from Paul H.