A LITTLE NAUGHTY
This is one of my favorites!
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a
pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's
father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you
have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll
screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Thanks, Holly S.!
"Old man goes up to old lady and asks: "Guess how old I am!". She
looks at him, checks him out, then asks him to unzip his pants. He
looks at her, says OK. She puts in her hand, finds it, fondles it,
feels it, says "Hmmmm, yessss, ah ha, ummmm, ooooh", after quite a
while she puts it back and the man zips up and asks again, "So how old am
I?" She says, "You're 86". He says "How did you know that!!?!" She says
"You told me yesterday!".
George the postman was on his last day. He was retiring after 30
years of service. As he delivered his mail, customers were giving him gifts.
As he approached one house, the lady came to the door dressed in a negligee.
She invited him upstairs. He eagerly followed and after two hours of fun,
he was getting ready to leave and she said we're not done yet. He couldn't
believe it. She brought him into the kitchen where she fixed him a great
breakfast. As he finished up, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked why
there was a dollar bill next to his plate. He asked the lady and she replied that
she and her husband had discussed what to get him for retirement. She agreed
to fix him breakfast. The husband said, fuck'm, give him a dollar.
Once in a medieval times..there was a King who
was getting sort of bored after dinner one night.
He decided to hold a contest of who at the court
had the mightiest "weapon".
The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he
had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants
and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children
waved multi-colored banners...and the band played
appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the
mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a
10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children
waved multi-colored banners...and the band played
appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their
superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have
the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound,
not even a 30 pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself.
The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children
waved multi-colored banners...and the band played
"God Save The Queen".
A man was flying home to San Francisco when an attractive young thing
sat in the vacant seat next to him. He asked where she was going and she said
she was going to a nymphomaniac convention in San Francisco. His eyes got big.
He asked her if it was true that a person like that likes it anytime,
anywhere. She said there are a lot like that but I'm not like that. I'm looking
for that special man and when I find him, I'll do it anytime and anywhere. He
asked what she was looking for in that special man. She said he has to be
part Indian because they have the extra endurance and you need that in bed.
He has to be part Jewish because they are good with detail and you need that
in bed. He had to be part black because they have the size to please. He
thought for a minute and said well let me introduce myself, I am Tonto Berstein but
my friends call me Bubba.
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man
walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every
morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes
home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the
afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the
best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we
make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like
you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he
hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy,
every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when
I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on
him." His mom is taken by surprise and says,
"Oh...well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because
he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says,
Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy
replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you
leave each day and blows him back up!"