Farmer Joe had recently been injured in a serious traffic accident and decided his injuries were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Records show that at the scene of the accident, you stated to the police 'I'm fine.'?"

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into my trailer, and..." "I didn't ask you or details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the highway..."

The lawyer interrupted again, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was, 'Just fine'. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe that he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, though, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer, and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Farmer Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the highway, when this huge semi-truck ran the stop sign and smacked into my truck right in the side. I was thrown into the ditch on one side of the road, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad, and didn't want to move. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew she was in bad shape."

Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

The Top 16 Signs You've Hired an Ex-Spice Girl
From the Top 5

16) Fifteen minutes on the job, and she's already gotten herself banned from using the intercom.

15) She can't answer the phone until you duct-tape the receiver to her head.

14) Giggles uncontrollably every time you mention that it's an "entry level position."

13) Application states that she has experience "wurking as a parte of a small grupe of hiely tallunted peepal."

12) Your building is filled with crying, screaming kids -- and you *don't* work at Nike.

11) Before signing contract, asks if there may be possible conflicts with previous contract with Satan.

10) She has to sing that little ABC song 5 or 6 times for every invoice she files.

9) Refers to you as "Balding Fat-Ass Boss Spice."

8) Cheaper than Viagra and only slightly more artificial, your newest nursing home attendant has been particularly well received by the HMOs.

7) She finished vacuuming the dishes and waxing the carpets, but she ran out of Brillo pads washing the Benz.

6) Her HTML coding really, really, really sucks.

5) Attendance on "Casual Friday" skyrockets due to the increased possibility of rogue nipple sightings.

4) Every day, it's the same routine:
Coffee break... retrain;
Lunch... retrain;
Coffee break... retrain.

3) With a skirt that short, it's either a Spice Girl or Ally McBeal.

2) She thinks MS Word is a rap artist.

1) She fits right in with all the other untalented boobs who work for you.

Three explorers, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American from New York City are captured by cannibals.

The cannibal chief comes up to them and says "We're going to kill you, eat you, and use your skins to make a canoe. But, you do get to choose how you die."

The Englishman pulls out a revolver, yells "God save the queen!" and shoots himself in the head.

The Frenchman pulls out a bottle of cyanide, shouts "Vive La France!" drinks the poison, and dies.

The New Yorker pulls out a fork, and begins stabbing himself repeatedly all over the body.

The cannibal chief is amazed. "Stop! What are you doing to yourself?"

The New Yorker, continuing to stab himself with the fork, looks at the chief and screams "This is what I think of your fucking canoe!"
from Mike I.

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said "son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub.

There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father reply's "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mom when I'm gone."

What did OJ Simpson ask Judge Ito after the trial was over?
"May I have my gloves back, please?"
from Terra

A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."

The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me."
from Mike I.

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Monday, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get out finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, black-jack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

A duck walks into a grocery store and asks the manager, "Got any duck food?" The manager shook his head and the duck left.

The next day, the duck walks up to the manager again, "Got any duckfood, yet?" The manager said, "No!" and the duck left.

The third day, the duck walks up to the manager, "Got any duck food yet?" The manager screamed, "No, I don't have any duck food! I'll never have any duck food! And if you come in here and ask again, I'llnail those webbed feet to the floor!"

The next day, the duck walks up to the manager, "Got any nails?"
"Got any duck food?"

These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report ) performance appraisal for the military:

Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob, and Bubba died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get bored before they met God in the morning. After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked: "By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?"
"159", said Slim.
"Great!", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around."
"What an exciting opportunity!", said Slim.
Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was done he said: "Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were alive?"
"141", said Billy-Bob.
"Good," said Einstein. "If you'd like, we can discuss a little mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights."
"Nothing I'd like better!" was Billy-Bob's reply.
After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked: "What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?"
"58" said Bubba.
Punching him on the arm, Einstein said: "Hey, Bubba - How 'bout them Cowboys!"

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