A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it; the dermatologists preferred no rash moves; the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it; the microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein; the neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of nerve"; the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception; the ophthalmologists considered the idea short- sighted; the orthopedists issued a joint resolution; the parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst"; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"; the pediatricians said, "Grow up!"; the proctologists said, "We are in arrears"; the psychiatrists thought it was madness; and finally, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it; the internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow; the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter"; the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward; the D.O.s thought they were being manipulated; the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water; the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas; the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no; and the otologists were deaf to the idea.

Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly!

How is Viagra like Orlando?
You have to wait an hour for a 3 minute ride?

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians...

" Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant."

" Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up."

" She is numb from her toes down."

" While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better."

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983."

"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."

"I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor."

"The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed."

"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."

"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

"Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."

"The patient refused an autopsy."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."

"The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

"She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December."

"The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room."

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."

"Patient was alert and unresponsive."

" When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

The latest medical terminology!

Artery - The Study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to the cafeteria
Barium - What you do when CPR fails
Benign - What you be after you be eight
Bowel - A letter like A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y
Caesarean Section - A neighborhood near Rome
Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty
Cat Scan - What dogs do when they enter your yard
Cauterize - Made eye contact with the nurse
Colic - A Sheep Dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
D&C - Where Washington is located
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
GI Series - Baseball between teams of soldiers
Grippe - A Suitcase
Hangnail - A coat hook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Cousin to Elvis
Post-operative - A letter carrier
Protein - In favor of young people
Recovery Room - Where you have your upholstery done
Rectum - Darn near killed him
Rheumatic Fever - Amorous feeling
Secretion - Hiding anything
Seizure - A Roman emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Sick at the airport
Tibia - North African country
Tumor - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together

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