A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best
friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just
laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house,
she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only
hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's
wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks.
Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about
the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
It was a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his
wife were at the zoo. She was wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. As they walked through the ape exhibit and
passed in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla went nuts. He jumped up on the
bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet) grunting and pounding his
chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy
dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggested that his wife tease
the poor fellow. He suggested she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
play along. She did and Mr. Gorilla got even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
straps fall. She did and Mr. Gorilla was just about to tear the bars down. "Now
try lifting your dress your dress up your thighs," the husband suggested.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy!
Quickly the husband grabbed his wife by the hair, ripped
open the door to the cage, slungs her in with the gorilla and said, "Now, tell
HIM you have a headache."
Marriage is a gamble. You start with a pair. He shows a diamond. She
shows a heart. Her father has a club. His father has a spade. There's usually
a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes
a queen. Then they end up wit a full house.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then you see what the other fellow has, you wish
you had ordered that.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father how much does it cost to get married and
the father replied I don't know son I'm still paying for it.
Is it true dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her? That happens in most countries son.
HAIR SPRAY
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her
emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is
going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept.
store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive
outfits. And then tells his wife "we'll take all three of them".
They then go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.
They proceed to the Jewelry Dept. and get a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out,
but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The
husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it
then lets get it.
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even
believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The
husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff."
The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
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