MARRIAGE

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

It was a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife were at the zoo. She was wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walked through the ape exhibit and passed in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla went nuts. He jumped up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet) grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow. He suggested she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She did and Mr. Gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall. She did and Mr. Gorilla was just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress your dress up your thighs," the husband suggested. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy!

Quickly the husband grabbed his wife by the hair, ripped open the door to the cage, slungs her in with the gorilla and said, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Marriage is a gamble. You start with a pair. He shows a diamond. She shows a heart. Her father has a club. His father has a spade. There's usually a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen. Then they end up wit a full house.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father how much does it cost to get married and the father replied I don't know son I'm still paying for it.

Is it true dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? That happens in most countries son.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

HAIR SPRAY

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." ;-)

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife "we'll take all three of them".

They then go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.

They proceed to the Jewelry Dept. and get a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife's face goes blank.

"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Home Me Cam Travel Photos People Psychology Humor Guestbook