There once was a man named Starr
Who lusted for power afar.
When called to account his expenses
He did offend our good senses
And we could only go "Arrrr."

But wait, he exclaimed,
The details are relevant my claim.
Our President, you see, had sex of a sort
That I can make sport.
So on him you must heap all your blame.

With Jones the lawyers did so define
Sex to such a fine line
That only they can tell
Whether that upon which I so dwell
Is worthy of even a fine.

And her claim you may recall
The Judge said must fall
For he gave her a promotion
And nary a commotion
About her refusal to ball.

The sex you do see -
Why I read about it 'till three -
Does show he's a liar -
He's got the nerve to say I conspire -
Oh, how I wish it were me.

Excuse me, I digress.
With all this evidence, its just a big mess.
For after four years
I confirm your worst fears
I've got a stained dress.

The evidence I could have condensed
Could be subject to plain common sense:
Monica blew him
But was that really screwin'?
And I never got to straddle that fence.

The perjury I so diligently detail
Is in essence a very strange tail
"He touched me there."
By definition unfair
And thus a President I derail.

Poor Monica billed he whom the public found so nifty
Purloins what a whore gets but fifty
Soon with a book deal like Tom Clancy
Her veracity grows ever more chancy.
My report is so large no one sees it is iffy.

It's impeachable I say
Because even to this day
After two elections
In which America made her selections
Bill as President, I say nay.

And alone I am not.
No, of my friends they're a lot.
That a war protester should be
President of my country
Is reason enough he be shot.

And so we should impeach
Even though its beyond even a reach.
And as for the Constitution
I say "Shmuskin."
Or else you might find I'm a leech.

To think Washington could be civilly confessed
By a Tory cuckolded and dispossessed
Then impeached by Congress
For such personal congress
The founding fathers would not even have guessed.

The Constitution provides civil redress
Should a Benedict Arnold fatally impress
A public too unwise
To notice false disguise
All I've got is this damn dress.

Now if I get my wish
Lawyers clever will serve up a dish
A President made impotent
By suit impudent
Through those who just want to 'dis.

So good citizens this shall be the lesson
And on this there be no guessin'
Those whose egos command they run
Will be in for a little bit of fun
A future of legal fussin.'

Soon the law schools shall teach
Lawyers to have process reach
Candidates not yet elected
In case the favored be not selected
So they may make evidence to impeach.

For in this manner they may
Ask questions all night and day
Soon you shall know those statesmen so dour and glum
Are but faded drag queens who take it up the bum.
And it this you have no say.

So friends, with my rhyme so trite,
I tell you that Starr's report is based upon short-sight
That those with long hair
Who wished life just a fair
Must always be treated with spite.

Good Lady there is no conspiracy
It's just that people like Starr and Hatch see
The country doomed 'til Reagan.
Consider not comparisons to Dickens' Fagen
Or suffer the pain of heresy.

Once a boy who saw discrimination all right
Hatch won't to shy away from a good fight
But Bill's acted a Pharisee
That we all do Hatch fails to see
Me thinks his collar's too tight.

I pray it will all blow away
A small stain to laugh about some rainy day
The only harm will be
I happen to see
A movie made for T.V.

from Jack B.

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