LAWYER JOKES

This is from an actual trial in the UK:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: " When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

  1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
  2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
  3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
  4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
  5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
  6. "Did he kill you?"
  7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
  8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
  9. "How may times have you committed suicide?"
  10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
  11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"
  12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
  13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
    A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"
  14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
    A: "By death."
    Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
  15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
  16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
  17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
  18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
    A: "Oral."
  19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No, you dummy, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
  20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
  21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
    A: "I have been since early childhood.

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