Drinking Humor


"You get this one, next round is on me."
We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

"Lets get out of here."
I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfindel." (female)
I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white zinfindel." (male)
I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?"
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, lets go home." (male)
I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already."
I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Excuse Me." (male to male)
Get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (male to female)
I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse Me." (female to male)
Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female).
Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

"That person looks really familiar."
Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male)
It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

"I don't have my ID on me." (female)
I'm 19.

"I don't have my ID on me." (male)
I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after my last visit here.

Recipe For a Great Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (Scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Pour another whisk of glasskey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of Botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer!

Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

Be all that you can be.


  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8. It encourages carpooling.
  9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
  16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

Home Me Cam Travel Photos People Psychology Humor Guestbook