HOW TO TELL YOU'RE AN E-MAIL JUNKIE
1. You wake up at 3 am to go the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail
on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane ride with your laptop on your lap... and
your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for
the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
proccessor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again .
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because
they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at:
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately E-mail it to a friend.
What sex is your computer?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being female.
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative
as,"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going
to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons
follow:what sex is your computer?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!").
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being female.
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
16 things that Bill Gates would change if he was from Alabama.
If you receive an email with a subject of "BADTIMES," delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email
virus yet.
It will rewrite your hard drive.
These are just a few of the signs... Be very careful!
Subject: Microsoft to buy the U.S. Government
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today
that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States
of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said
Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive
arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of
the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government
is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to
Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up
the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and
referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a
"proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their
"full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning
several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president,
in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for
the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft
headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of
course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed,
"and look how well we're doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating
that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes,
increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The
company offers a wide range of products and services for public,
business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it
easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full
power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy
and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C.,
the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft
Corporation.
MEMO
A great new software announcement!!! This memo is to announce
the development of a new software system.
We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm
data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout
the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not
addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a
time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS
expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
of MYASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the
program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never
put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her
first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with
the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put
anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a
time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a
manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in
MYASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company
during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical
data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided
the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so
rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just
pulled them out of MYASS."
Bill's Wealth
Most people will have read the recent reports of how Microsoft
Chairman Bill Gates has had his personal net worth soar over 40
billion dollars. He certainly knows how to make money.
Consider that he made this money in the 22 years or so since Microsoft
was founded in 1975. If you presume that he has worked 14 hours a day
on every business day of the year since then, that means he's been
making money at a staggering half-million dollars per hour, *around
$150 per second.*
Which means that if, on his way into the office, should he see or drop
a $500 bill on the ground, it's just not worth his time to bend over
and pick it up. He would make more just heading off to work.
It's perhaps more disturbing to look at the slope of his appreciation
this year. From January to July he's gained some $16 Billion, meaning
that at the rate he's going, if he sees a $10,000 bill, he's just as
well to pass it by. (They do exist, but he won't see one until he buys
the U.S. treasury -- they are not circulated. Salmon Chase, former
secretary of the treasury and chief justice, is on it.) If it's a pile
of cash he has to count, it's even worse. At $2,500 per second so far
this year, they would have to be thousand-dollar Bills -- and he would
need to have a quick hand -- to avoid him losing the money in wasted
time while he's counting them. Counting $500 bills would be very
unprofitable.
The "Too-small-a-bill-for-Bill" index has gone up quite a bit over the
years. When Microsoft went public in 1986, the new multimillionaire
only had to leave behind $5 bills.
Bill Gates Dollars
Another way to examine this sort of wealth is to compare it to yours.
Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps
she has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times
larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to her, to Bill
it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right
multiplier for your own net worth.
So for example, you might think a new Lambourghini Diablo would cost
$250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's *63 cents*. That fully
loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768
screen you've been drooling after? *A penny*.
A nice home in a rich town like Palo Alto, California? *Two dollars*.
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family
to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand could buy the team
for *100 Bill-bills*.
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare
coach. In Bill-bills, Mr. Gates could buy *three 747s*. One for him,
one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.
http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative
as,"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going
to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons
follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
from Mike I.
VIRUS ALERT
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your
computer.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice
cream gets melted.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the
tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's
you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when
there's company coming over.
It will put a dead mouse in the back pocket of your good suit and hide
your car keys when you are late for work.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in
your petrol tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your
current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel
room to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of
BADTIMES, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we
hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.
It will kick your dog.
It will leave libidinous messages on
your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
BADTIMES will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up.
It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave
bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase High School kids
with your new snow blower.
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