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Married Women Who Love Women, First Edition
Hardcover, published by Doubleday (January 1998), ISBN: 0385488254
Trade Paperback, published by Alyson (April 2000), ISBN: 1555835554
The second edition, published by Routledge, is now available. Keep checking this web site, or my new blog, carrenstrock.livejournal.com, for updates, scheduling, and appearances.
In addition to updating the current chapters, there is a new introduction, a glossary, and the
following additional chapters:
* The Single Lesbian Lover
* Redefined Marriages
* Labeling: Lesbian/Bisexual/Unsure?
Thank you for your support.
—Carren
Married Women Who Love Women has been favorably reviewed in Publishers Weekly, Kirkus Reviews, and the American Library Association's Booklist. Click here to read these reviews.
Until I was forty-three, I would have said with absolute certainty, "I am not, nor could I ever become, a lesbian. I know exactly who and what I am." One year later, after 25 years of a contented heterosexual marriage, I fell in love with another woman. I experienced more passion, pain, isolation, and turmoil than I ever thought possible and I began to question who I really was. My journey from denial to self awareness, understanding and acceptance was not an easy one.
I wrote Married Women Who Love Women as a way to deal with my own discovery and to help other women deal with theirs. By interviewing more than 100 women, as well as their husbands and children, and through additional research as well, I found that this phenomenon—married women loving women—was not as uncommon as I had believed.
One of my insights is that many women, like myself, have remained married while also actively loving women. Some are out to their husbands and children, others are not. Apart from a few well-known married women who love women, such as Eleanor Roosevelt, Virginia Woolf, and Vita Sackville West, married lesbians are a large, but largely hidden, segment of the population. As far as I know, Married Women Who Love Women is the first book written about married women who discover their same-gender preference or recognize long hidden knowledge of it. This book was written for them, and their friends and families, and for all women who have wondered about their sexuality, their marriages, and whether they might be more fulfilled in same-sex relationships. I think it will also fascinate anyone interested in female sexuality and human behavior.
By revealing my personal experience, and also sharing the frank responses of the women I interviewed, women of diverse backgrounds and educations, as well as their husbands and children, I hope to answer many often asked questions such as how does a married woman realize that she is a women who loves women, how does she come out to family and friends, how does she deal with guilt and shame, how does she find acceptance and redefine or rework her marriage.
I also address issues that have never been freely discussed before: Why do women turn to other women for emotional fulfillment? What would make a married woman cross the invisible line that turns her best friend into her lover? Why do some women struggle with identity while others easily embrace their sexuality? What do married women do when they realize that a large part of themselves has been missing? What kind of men are they married to? How do these women and their spouses cope? MWLW also answers intimate questions that have crossed the minds of all women such as: What is it like for a woman who believed herself to be heterosexual to suddenly find herself enthralled with another woman? How is making love with a woman different than making love with a man? And finally, where do straight women fit in?
Married Women Who Love Women is a look at how conflicting human desires such
as change and stability, companionship and sex, commitment and passion, social acceptance and
personal happiness are handled by this little-studied group. It is an honest exploration into the
secret life of married women, the power of female attraction, and the mysterious bonds between
women.
From the Foreword:
I never imagined Married Women Who Love Women would touch so many women so deeply. Since its initial publication, I have received numerous letters and E-mails from across the United States and from as far away as Australia, Brazil, Columbia, England, Germany, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, Mongolia, New Zealand, the Philippines, Slovakia, and Switzerland. They have come from women struggling with feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation, as well as from women with long-unanswered questions.
Many have shared their own poignant stories. One woman, sobbing and clutching my book, approached me at a reading. "I came to thank you. I thought I was the only married woman ever to have fallen in love with another woman," she said, pausing often to regain her composure. Finally she told me, "I was so terrified, I decided to kill myself. Then I found your book, and it saved my life."
Married women who love women are not the only ones who have contacted me. I often receive mail from single lesbians thanking me for helping them gain a better understanding of the married women they love and from straight women thanking me for helping them to better understand what their sisters, daughters, mothers, or friends are going through.
Quotes from letters and E-mails I have received:
"After years of frustration, repression, denial, and therapy, I read your book and came out to myself. Thank you for making everything so clear."
"I felt you were reading my mind and feeling my heart... I smiled, cried, and chuckled through all of your book... I felt it was my book... I felt a part of every woman in there."
"I would well up every time I agonized over telling my husband. The secret was killing me. My gayness' was spilling out all over, and I was so frightened."
"I felt the pain of all the women that contributed to your book, and I realized there is no right or wrong. Everyone is an individual who has to live with her own actions and decisions. It is so very complicated."
"I derived so much strength from knowing that I was not alone. Thanks to you, that message rang loud and clear."
"Thank you for realizing how many of us are out there feeling that we are the only ones. Thank you for having the courage to write your book."
"I inhaled your book and painted it with a yellow highlighter as I read, related, and absorbed every last word."
Thank you to everyone who takes the time to write or e-mail me. I really do appreciate hearing from you, and I will try to answer you. Please bear with me if it takes a little while. In addition to holding down a full-time job, I continue to write. If you know of any agents or producers who may be interested, one of my properties is a screenplay about a married woman who falls in love with another woman.
I have a new blog. Stop by and chat sometime. I'm at carrenstrock.livejournal.com.
I am available for one-on-one telephone counseling. E-mail me to set up an appointment.
Laura Innes ("Dr. Kerry Weaver" on ER) gave an interview published in the May 2002 issue of Curve magazine. When asked how she did her research for the part of a middle-aged woman discovering her lesbianism, Ms. Innes says "I read a book called Married Women Who Love Women."
Married Women Who Love Women was nominated for an American Library Association Book Award.
If you would like me to speak to your group or organization, please e-mail me at carrens@erols.com.
My past and future appearances are listed here.
The discovery of same-gender orientation can be made by any woman at any age. Fifty-nine percent of the women I interviewed (myself included) had no idea of our same-gender orientation until after we were married. Many women believe they are the only ones to ever have had these feelings and with no place to turn for information or comfort, the isolation and pain that accompanies this realization is often terrifying.
Women need to know about the existence of this book, Married Women Who Love Women. If you have any ideas on how to spread the word or if you have any connections with radio or television stations or newspapers or magazines where I might get the word across, please let me know.
I really do appreciate your help, as will all of the women who need to find this book.
When I originally wrote Married Women Who Love Women, I had focused primarily on the women who were in marriages—how they dealt with husbands and children, and how they coped with double lives. But there is another very important part of the picture that I had inadvertently left out: the single lovers of married women. If both women are in marriages, dealing with the other obligations and responsibilities that each encounters is a little easier. But if one is single, she must be a special kind of a woman to stand by the woman she loves knowing that often she may come in second to the MWLW's family. I realized that I could not ignore them while trying to grapple with this complex issue from multiple perspectives, but by then it was too late to add that chapter. Still, I was surprised and pleased with the large response I got when I put out a call looking for these women to interview for the second edition. Thanks to their generosity, both in time and in the information they willingly shared, the second edition rectifies that omission with its chapter, "The Single Lovers of Married Women."
I have gotten notes from husbands of MWLW asking how others deal with this phenomenon. If you would like to share your experiences, as with the women I speak to, I promise you complete anonymity.
I'm available to answer questions or speak with you privately. E-mail me at carrens@erols.com, or paper mail to Carren Strock in care of LRC Publications, Inc., 1380 East 17 Street, Suite 2233, Brooklyn, NY 11230. Mark your envelope "Personal", and it will be forwarded to me unopened.
Also, please drop me a line to tell me how you found this site.
Bookstore managers and owners, please read this page. I'm happy to help you help the book sell.
I received a call that all writers dream of. It was from the Oprah show. I experienced an incredible feeling of euphoria which waned in a matter of minutes. They were looking for people who had been estranged from their children after telling them a "horrible secret" and then had pleaded to be forgiven and had regained their children's love and trust. The title of the show was to be "Regaining Your Child's Love and Trust." The producer had seen my book and thought that the admission of my lesbianism might qualify. As much as I had dreamed of being on the Oprah show, I could not justify calling my disclosure a "horrible secret." While I had been shocked at the realization of my sexuality after 25 years of marriage, I soon realized that it was a natural change or discovery and not some "horrible secret." In addition, my children had always offered unconditional love.
I sometimes wonder if I was crazy to let my principles keep me from appearing on the Oprah show I was called about but I know how important this topic is and I am waiting for a call that says "we want to do a segment on Married Women Who Love Women."
Since 59% of the women I interviewed for the book had no idea of their same-gender identification before they were married, I knew this topic would be an important one for everyone. Newsweek concurred and published my related essay "A Painful Discovery" (the title they chose) on their "My Turn" page (May 18, 1998). To view the article, click here. There were a few irate responses such as "How dare you deal with your own needs and happiness?" and "If you discover too late that you've made a mistake and should not have married a certain man or woman, you should keep your mouth shut and swallow it. Take it to the grave!" But more often, responses were in favor of bringing this frightening topic to light. "I now view the lesbian lifestyle with softer eyes," one reader wrote.
In addition to the mostly wonderful e-mails and letters I received in response to my Newsweek essay, "A Painful Discovery", two weeks later, in the June 8th issue of Newsweek, there were several responses to the magazine itself.
According to Newsweek's Mail Call, while many letters drew "ire", some applauded my courage and honesty. One person was quoted as writing that my essay "should help foster understanding of the complexity of human relationships and sexuality." I could not have expressed myself better.
The December 21st issue of Newsweek, talking about readers who were moved to
write, again mentioned my essay, saying that "Carren Strock's May 18 My Turn on her mid-life
discovery of her homosexuality encouraged... people with similar stories to express their
gratitude at finding they weren't alone."
I want to thank everyone who takes the time to write or e-mail me. I really do appreciate
hearing from you, and try to respond to all of the mail I receive.
I have been getting numerous requests for support groups around the United States. If a
support group for MWLW already exists in your area, please let me know how others can find
out more about it. Feel free to e-mail me, and I will create a section of listings.
I have heard concerns by some in the bisexual community that Married Women Who Love Women has a lesbian slant. I'm sorry if anyone felt slighted. This was not my intent. It's simply that when I put out the word that I was looking for married women who love women to interview, 75% of those who came forward identified themselves as lesbian, while only 21% identified themselves as bisexual. Four percent were unsure.
Since the publication of the first edition, more bisexual women have come forward to share their stories. They will be better represented in the forthcoming second edition.
If you'd like to order the book on-line, click here for the hardcover, or here for the trade paperback.
If you'd like to contact me, I can be reached at: carrens@erols.com.