RANMA HORROR KUNO SHOW
A Ranma 1/2 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show Crossover
By Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org


"JUSENKYO GENDER BENDER"
(to the tune of "Science Fiction/Double Feature"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


Poor Soun Tendo did cry
The day that Ranma came by
As his daughter's fiance
But it was a girl there
With a big panda bear
And none of his daughters was gay
Then up in the bath
Akane vented wrath
When she caught a naked guy pervert
Then Genma did explain
They got caught in the rain
And this caused their forms to revert

Jusenkyo gender bender
Poor Saotome, sex offender
The students acting really funny
Nabiki takes all of Kuno's money
Whoa Oh Oh Oh Oh
The anime gender bender Jusenkyo

I saw Kuno "Blue Thunder"
Repeatedly blunder
At the pig-tailed girl he can't get
And the curses got tossed
When Ryoga got lost
Now he's P-Chan, Akane's new pet
The Amazon Shampoo
Knows what to do
And competes for Ranma's wedding hand
But with broken hearts
And lots of martial arts
He's the most pursued fiance in the land
In the

Jusenkyo gender bender
Poor Saotome, sex offender
The students acting really funny
Nabiki takes all of Kuno's money
Whoa Oh Oh Oh Oh
The anime gender bender Jusenkyo

Oh please don't go, oh oh oh
To the Chinese gender bender Jusenkyo
Where water flows, oh oh oh
To the Chinese gender bender Jusenkyo
You'll be a crow, oh oh oh
To the Chinese gender bender Jusenkyo


     It was a typical morning at the Tendo training hall.  The quiet
was shattered by the sounds of things breaking accompanied by Akane
screaming "Ranma, you jerk!"
     In the dining room, Akane's oldest sister Kasumi paused from
serving breakfast and remarked, "Oh dear, they seem to be fighting
again."
     "They've been doing that every day for the last month," the
middle sister Nabiki replied.  "It's gotten boring.  I can't even make
any money selling tickets to their daily matches anymore."
     "Saotome my friend," said Soun Tendo, father of the three girls,
to Genma Saotome, Ranma's father; "I think this has gone on long
enough.  It's time we put our foot down and made them get along
better."
     "What do you suggest?" Genma replied.  "You know that the only
thing they do together is fight.  When they have no opponents, they
fight each other."
     "Well then, we need to make them work together."
     "Who's the poor victim you're going to send them after?" Nabiki
asked.  "We haven't had any trouble show up here in a while."
     "Whatever happened to that nice Mousse boy?"  Kasumi asked.
     "Not a person," Soun began.
     "You mean a survival training mission?"  Genma asked.  "The two
of them alone, against the elements?"
     "Only one would come back," Nabiki said.  "And I could make a
fortune running bets on which one it would be."
     "Exactly," Soun replied.  "We send them out into the wilderness,
to bring something back to us."
     "But what?"  Genma asked.  "The key is, they can't know that
we're forcing them together, or they'll rebel."  Indeed, the two
children had been doing just that every time their parents, who'd
betrothed the two of them, tried to push them together.  "We need to
give them a goal."
     "I could use some eggs for dinner," Kasumi suggested.
     "Yes, eggs!  The egg of the Great Owl who lives in the dark
forest!"  Soun declared.
     "Which 'Great Owl'?"  Genma asked.
     Soun shrugged.  "It's a big forest.  There must be an owl in
there somewhere.  We'll tell them it's for a ceremony..."

     That afternoon, Ranma and Akane were walking down the road,
carrying their backpacks and obviously ready for a long period of
"roughing it."  They'd already left the town of Nerima behind, and
were headed towards the forest.  It was starting to get dark and
cloudy.
     "I still don't understand why they sent the two of us," Akane
grumbled.  "If it's so important to our fathers, why couldn't they go?
Or Nabiki -- no one ever makes her do anything!"
     "Yes, Akane, that Nabiki's a lucky girl," Ranma muttered,
obviously not paying too much attention because he'd obviously been
listening to Akane complain ever since they'd left the Tendo home.
     "I just hope you don't expect me to do all the cooking!"
     "Believe me, Akane, that's the last thing I want."
     "Well, thank you for that you -- Hey!!  You jerk!!!"
     Ranma dodged a series of blows thrown at him by Akane.  "Don't
worry, we'll be fine.  Besides, it's been awful quiet lately.  This
might even be fun."
     Akane turned and looked at Ranma.  "Does he want to be with me?"
she asked herself.
     Ranma noticed Akane watching him.  As always, he had no idea what
she was thinking.  "Hey, Akane."
     "Yes, Ranma?"
     "I've got something to say."
     "Uh huh..."
     "I really love the boyish way you're dressed up for our mission
today."
     "Grrrrrrr!"


"HEY AKANE"
(to the tune of "Dammit, Janet"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


RANMA:
This river has fish good for hooking (hooking)
I'm hungry and you're not good-looking (looking)
But please don't give me your cooking (cooking)
I've one thing to say and that's I hate tomboys, Akane

The trip is dumb, where's my bedding? (bedding)
This whole thing's not my plan, no forgetting (getting)
It's just like that damned stupid wedding (wedding)
I've one thing to say and that's I hate tomboys, Akane

All you girls can think about is kissin'
I want to be a whole man again
But you can never ever just listen
Oh A-K-A-N-E you're such a pain

AKANE:
Oh Ranma, I hate boys, don't you know? (you know)
Because you're dumber than Kuno (Kuno)
You wanna be black and blue, no? (blue no)
I've one thing to say and that's ah, Ranma, I hate you
Oh Ranma...

RANMA:
Oh Akane...

AKANE:
You're dumber...

RANMA:
Oh Akane...

AKANE:
Boys...  Phew!!

RANMA:
We hate you too!

RANMA/AKANE:
There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.

RANMA:
And that's go back to China and fix it (fix it)
There I'll find a cure and I'll mix it (mix it)
And I'll take this engagement and nix it (nix it)
Now I've one thing to say and that's I hate tomboys, Akane
Hey Akane...

AKANE:
Ranma, boo hoo!

RANMA:
Hey Akane...

RANMA/AKANE:
I hate you!


     Back in the Tendo Dojo stood an old man, holding up scrolls with
Japanese writing and pictures of Ranma, Akane, and others.  He is
Happosai, the master of both of their fathers, and often described as
the most evil man in all of China.  He is the narrator of this
episode.
     "I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey.  It
seemed a fairly ordinary night when Ranma Saotome and his fiancee
Akane Tendo, two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Nerima that
late November evening, to go on a training mission arranged by their
parents, to make them work together and get closer.  It's true there
were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which
they were walking.  It's true, also, that after a month cooped up at
home they were both badly in need of some fresh air; but, uh, they
being normal kids and too busy fighting with each other, they were not
going to notice what was going around them that evening...  On a
training mission... it was a training mission that they were going to
remember for a very long time.

     Ranma and Akane were still walking along the road.  They'd given
up talking to each other; or, indeed, even looking at each other.
They were walking along at the same pace, pointedly NOT looking at
each other, and occasionally growling or muttering things like "stupid
boys" and "so uncute" under their breath.
     Suddenly, they heard thunder.  They stopped and looked up, and a
raindrop hit Akane right between the eyes.  "This is the last thing I
need right now," she grumbled, and then looked over at Ranma.
     Ranma was moving almost too fast for the eye to see, dodging
raindrops.  "Oh no, I don't want to be a girl again!  Why does it have
to rain now?"  He had dodged the stray drops so far; but as the drops
got more and more frequent, it was obvious to Akane that he wouldn't
be able to dodge them forever.
     Akane, the argument forgotten, looked around in concern.  "The
forest isn't far ahead, Ranma.  If we run, we can make it to cover
before you get wet."
     "Dammit!  I knew I should have gotten my umbrella fixed!"
     And so Ranma and Akane sped towards the shelter of the trees, as
the rainstorm began...

     An hour later, they were still walking along the road -- the
trees weren't enough protection to keep them dry, and they were both
cold and drenched.  Ranma, because of the curse he received falling
into one of the cursed springs at the infamous Jusenkyo training
grounds in China, had changed into the form of a teenaged girl; this
happened every time he was doused with cold water.
     "It's just a pleasant walk through the forest, he says!" Akane
snarled.  "Ha!  We'll never find any damned owl on a night like this!"
     "Nah, I'm sure the bears have chased them away," Ranma joked.
     "Bears?  What bears?"  Akane spun around wide-eyed; then realized
Ranma was joking when he started laughing.  "It's not funny, Ranma!
I'm cold and wet and just plain scared out here!"
     "Wait a minute," Ranma stopped and pointed.  "I think I see a
light up ahead."
     "A house?"  Akane asked.  "Maybe they can let us dry off for a
while, or even spend the night."


"OVER AT THE HOUSE UP AHEAD"
(to the tune of "Over At The Frankenstein Place"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


AKANE:
In the soaking wetness
Of this stormy night
Burning bright
There's shelter somewhere
No matter what or who lives there

AKANE/RANMA:
There's a light
Over at the house up ahead
There's a light
Hopefully a nice dry bed
There's a light, a light
In the darkness of this miserable rainy night

RANMA:
This water's no good
Away the rain washes my manhood
Find water hot
Let the shape of mine be brought back
Cuz I'm a guy...
Cuz I'm a guy...

AKANE/RANMA:
There's a light
Over at the house up ahead
There's a light
Hopefully a nice dry bed
There's a light, a light
In the darkness of this miserable rainy night


     Ranma and Akane broke out into a run, shaking off the effects of
the cold and depressing rain.  Soon, they were at the front door of
a large house, almost an estate, set deep in the woods...
     "Obviously, they cherish their privacy," Ranma commented.  "I
hope they won't mind guests for the night."
     "Well, we can't go back," Akane replied.  "I'm cold and I'm
tired!"
     "Just a moment, Akane."  Ranma rang the doorbell.
     After a brief wait, the door was opened.  "Hello," began Sasuke.
"Ahh!  It's you!  My master will be so pleased to see both of you!
But...  but you're early!  We aren't ready for you yet..."
     "This is Kuno's house?" Akane asked.
     "Any port in a storm," Ranma replied.  "He'd better not try
anything with me, though."
     "What do you mean, 'we're early'?" Akane asked Sasuke.
     "Never mind that," Ranma interrupted.  "Can we come inside?"
     "You're wet."
     "Of course!"  Akane growled.  "It's raining!"
     "Yes," said Ranma, tapping his foot impatiently.
     "Yes," Sasuke said after a brief hesitation, "I think perhaps you
had better both come inside."  He stepped out of the doorway, and let
them in.  "I will have to tell my master than his two loves are here!"
Sasuke sped up a flight of stairs and was gone.
     "What kind of a place is this?"  Akane asked Ranma.
     "Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge," Ranma replied.
"You know the Kunos are rich weirdoes."

     Just then, Mousse and Kodachi entered the room.  "Oh, it's you,"
Mousse said.  "I was wondering who was at the door -- it should have
been Ryoga Hibiki.  We can't start without him."
     "Start what?" Ranma asked.
     "And where's MY beloved Ranma?" Kodachi asked.  She was in love
with Ranma in his male form, but was not aware of the curse on him.
Like her brother and many others, she thought the two Ranmas were
separate people -- in fact, she saw the female Ranma as competition
for the heart of male Ranma.  "All I see are more opponents!"
Bellowing out her annoying high-pitched laugh, she took a step toward
Ranma and Akane, swinging her martial arts gymnastic ribbon.
     "Not yet," Mousse whispered, swinging a knife out of his sleeve
to sever the ribbon.  "We're not ready yet."
     "Ready for what?"  Akane asked.
     "Someone better start explaining soon!"  Ranma threatened.
     "This way," Mousse said.  "We'll let Kuno explain.  It's all his
idea, anyway."
     "Great," Ranma muttered.
     "Are you having some kind of party?"  Akane asked.
     "You've arrived on a rather special night," Mousse replied.
"Kuno has gathered all of us here who have an interest in Akane and
Ranma."
     "Oh, lucky us," Ranma said.
     "Follow us into the gym," said Mousse.  "I believe my beloved
Shampoo is there; and once I win, she win be mine, not Ranma's!"
     "You love Ranma, she loves Ranma, I love Ranma, we all love
Ranma!  Hahahaha!" Kodachi screeched.


"KUNG FU"
(to the tune of "The Time Warp" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


MOUSSE:
It's amazing
And trail blazing
Training takes its toll
But don't you smile

KODACHI:
We've got a brand-new style!

MOUSSE:
I'm gonna take control
I remember fighting with Kung Fu
Practicing those movements when
That Ranma would hit me

MOUSSE/KODACHI:
And a crowd would be laughing

(Shampoo heard the commotion and came out into the front room.  She
joined Mousse and Kodachi in line, practicing their new moves.)

MOUSSE/KODACHI/SHAMPOO:
Let's do the Kung Fu again
Let's do the Kung Fu again

(Happosai's lines are all delivered from the Tendo Dojo.  Happosai
demonstrates the attacks on Soun Tendo, while Genma -- as a panda, his
accursed form -- holds up signs with diagrams)

HAPPOSAI:
It's just a punch to the left

MOUSSE/KODACHI/SHAMPOO:
And then a kick to the right

HAPPOSAI:
Spin around on your feet

MOUSSE/KODACHI/SHAMPOO:
Keep your target in sight
But it's the pounding fist
That really puts you pain
Let's do the Kung Fu again
Let's do the Kung Fu again

KODACHI:
He's so dreamy
Oh Ranma dear free me!
Someday you'll see me, I'll have it all
With one more competition, with no more inhibition
I'll seduce him, I'll have all

MOUSSE:
With a bit of a back flip

KODACHI:
I'll make Akane slip

MOUSSE:
And Shampoo will be mine again

KODACHI:
I'll cause a new sensation

MOUSSE:
Ranma's humiliation!

MOUSSE/KODACHI/SHAMPOO:
Let's do the Kung Fu again
Let's do the Kung Fu again

SHAMPOO:
Well I was walking down the street delivering ramen
When I was surrounded by some evil men
I shook them up, they were very surprised
I threw them at a truck, poked them in the eyes
They ran away and I went down the lane
They couldn't beat me, never lose again

MOUSSE/KODACHI/SHAMPOO:
Let's do the Kung Fu again
Let's do the Kung Fu again

(Happosai continued the attacks on Soun Tendo, who was barely able to
keep standing.  Genma slowly backed away, holding his sign up in front
of his face)

HAPPOSAI:
It's just a punch to the left

MOUSSE/KODACHI/SHAMPOO:
And then a kick to the right

HAPPOSAI:
Spin around on your feet

MOUSSE/KODACHI/SHAMPOO:
Keep your target in sight
But it's the pounding fist
That really puts you pain
Let's do the Kung Fu again
Let's do the Kung Fu again

SHAMPOO:
Hi-ya!

(Shampoo danced around, throwing punches at the other guests but not
really trying too hard to connect -- she's dancing more than actually
trying to attack.  Finally, she trips and falls onto a conveniently
placed large bucket of water, spilling it all over herself.  Because
of her Jusenkyo curse, she transformed into a cute white cat.  With a
typical feline "I meant to do that" demeanor, she gets back in line
with Mousse and Kodachi to finish the song and dance)

MOUSSE/KODACHI:
Let's do the Kung Fu again
Let's do the Kung Fu again

(As Happosai delivered his lines, he pummelled Genma with one of
Genma's own signs -- which merely says "Ouch".  Poor Soun Tendo was
unconscious on the floor.  Kasumi watched with concern; Nabiki merely
looked disgusted.)

HAPPOSAI:
It's just a punch to the left

MOUSSE/KODACHI:
And then a kick to the right

HAPPOSAI:
Spin around on your feet

MOUSSE/KODACHI:
Keep your target in sight
But it's the pounding fist
That really puts you pain
Let's do the Kung Fu again
Let's do the Kung Fu again


     The song and dance number having been concluded, all of the
contenders collapsed on the floor.  "Ranma," Akane hissed, "do
something!"
     "Will someone PLEASE tell me what's going on?"
     The contenders slowly got back up and exchanged glances among
themselves.  Shampoo wandered off into the bathroom to find some hot
water to turn human again.
     Akane gripped Ranma's arm and started backing away, as the
contenders all got up again.  "Ranma, please, let's get out of here."
     "What's the matter, Akane, chicken?"  Ranma asked.  "I'm not
afraid of any of them!"
     "Well, I want to go."
     "We can't go anywhere except back into the rain."
     "This isn't a high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet',
Ranma!"
     "I dunno.  They're probably just going to do some more folk
dancing."
     "Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!"
     "I'm here," Ranma said, "there's nothing to worry about."  Then
he stopped, as he and Akane backed into something.  Or someone.  They
turned around, and saw that Tatewaki Kuno had just come down the
stairs and was staring at them...
     Kuno was madly in love with both Akane and "the pig-tailed girl"
(his name for the female Ranma), and viewed the male Ranma as his
rival who must be dispatched.  Kuno did not know that the hated Ranma
Saotome and the pig-tailed girl were one and the same person; and it
was unlikely that he'd ever manage to figure it out.


"GREAT BLUE THUNDER"
(to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


KUNO:
How do you do, I
See you've met my
Ninja retainer

He's just a little surprised
Never realized
He's just a little no-brainer

Don't get a fright by the crowd tonight
Wait 'til you hear of our mission
It's my personal plan to get rid of one man
And tonight I get the ammunition

I'm just the great Blue Thunder
The martial arts star from Furinken High

Let me tell you I'm great
Wanna go on a date?
You look like you're both pure young beauties
Both of you are shy but you know
That you both want Kuno
As soon as I dispatch my Ranma duties

RANMA:
Sorry we dropped by your place
Could you shut your face?
We just wanted shelter from the storm

AKANE:
Right.

RANMA:
We'll just stay for the night
We're in no mood to fight
We just want to get dry and warm

KUNO:
So you just want to get warm, well, that's good form
Well, ladies, don't you shiver
Where's your man, Ranma-san, nowhere near with a hand
I'll show you Kuno always delivers

I'm just the great Blue Thunder
The martial arts star from Furinken High

Why don't you stay for the match?

MOUSSE:
Match!

KUNO:
You'll both be the catch

SHAMPOO:
Catch

KUNO:
I can show you my favorite new technique
I've been learning a style
You'll find it pretty wild
And it's good for making my enemies go freak

I'm just the great Blue Thunder
The martial arts star from Furinken High
Hit it, hit it!
I'm just the great Blue Thunder

MOUSSE, SHAMPOO, KODACHI: (sarcastically)
Great Blue Thunder

KUNO:
The martial arts star

MOUSSE, SHAMPOO, KODACHI:
From Furinken High-yi-yi

KUNO:
So - come up to the gym
And forget about -- him
I say you're in for the thrill of ... your lives
But maybe tonight
After I win the fight
And I've removed Ranma...  (laughs)
You'll both be my wives!


     Kuno swung his wooden sword around in a manner which he, and only
he, thought was extremely impressive; and then, with what he
considered silent dignity, Kuno marched off in the direction of the
gym.
     "Oh, Ranma," Akane began.
     "It's alright, Akane," Ranma said.  "We'll play along for now and
pull out the mahjongg tiles when the time is right."
     "I just don't want to get between you and your girlfriends,"
Akane said.  "Which will it be tonight?  Shampoo or Kodachi?  Or are
you planning some new perversions?"
     Akane stomped off in the direction of the gym, followed by Ranma
running behind her and protesting, "It's not like that!  I don't know
what's going on here either!"
     "Slowly, slowly!"  Shampoo called out after them.  "Is no need to
rush!"
     "You're very lucky to be invited into our family vacation home,"
Kodachi giggled.  "Some people would give their right arm for the
privilege."
     "I seen it," Shampoo replied.  "Is nothing special."
     "Come along," Mousse said, steering Shampoo and Kodachi toward
the gym.  "It looks like we're about to finally start.  Let's not keep
Kuno waiting."
     "Is he, Blue Thunder boy, is he you brother?" Shampoo asked
Kodachi.  "He even dumber than you, Black Flower girl."
     "That's Kodachi the Black Rose!" she snarled.  "And soon I will
be with my beloved husband Ranma..."
     "Ranma is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be,"
Mousse said.  "I must remove him so I can marry Shampoo!"
     The three of them stopped squabbling as they entered the gym.
Kuno had put on a new green robe, and Akane and the pig-tailed girl
were standing off to one side.  Mousse slipped off to a corner to
check on his supply of tricks and traps.
     "Kodachi, Shampoo, go help Mousse set things up," Kuno ordered.
Both girls shrugged, and wandered over to Mousse, who quickly stopped
what he was doing and started setting up the gym for a match.  "I will
explain to...  ummmm..."  He reached out to Ranma.
     "Ranma Saotome.  My name is Ranma Saotome."
     "I cannot bear to refer to you by that name which you share with
that contemptible coward Ranma!  That Svengali who keeps you enslaved
and treats Akane Tendo with such dishonor!  But soon...  Soon you
shall be Ranma Kuno!"
     "Whatever."
     "And this -- this is my beloved Akane Tendo!"
     "Jerk," Akane growled, and kicked Kuno across the room.  "Don't
bring me into this!"
     "Don't worry, I'll take care of him," Ranma said.  "He'll be
after me first; after all, I'm cuter."
     "Grrrrrrr!!"  Ranma joined Kuno airborne, and slammed into the
far wall.
     Kuno got up and brushed himself off.  "Well!  How nice."  He
walked over to a locker against one wall and took out two white robes.
"Here.  Put these on.  They'll make you feel less cold and wet.  You
would honor me by accepting my hospitality."
     "Hospitality!?" Ranma exclaimed.  "All we wanted to do was to
get out of the rain and dry off, and we're surrounded by people
talking about some kind of matches and marriages!"
     "Ranma," Akane warned, "don't be rude."
     "Rude?  I'll show him rude!"
     Kuno sighed.  "How forceful and bold you are, my pig-tailed
pretty.  Such a perfect specimen of womanhood.  So...  vibrant.  You
mustn't be jealous, Akane darling, for you too are perfect in your
way."
     "In MY way?"  Kuno found himself hurled across the gym again,
leaving a Kuno-shaped impression on the far wall.
     "We're all ready, Kuno," Mousse called out.  "We're all waiting
for you."
     "So are you going to explain what's going on or what?" Ranma
asked.
     "Tonight, my contentious contenders," Kuno began, "you are about
to witness a new breakthrough in Kuno family martial arts...  And
paradise is to be mine!"  He stopped and waited for applause that
never came, and then continued.  "It was strange the way it happened,
suddenly you get a break...  I was reading old scrolls in the study
when I discovered an ancient discipline.  The answer was there all the
time, it took a small accident to make it happen...  AN ACCIDENT..."
     "An accident?"  Mousse and Shampoo repeated, confused.  They
weren't aware of the big fight between Kuno and his sister Kodachi,
which had accidentally broken a wall and revealed a hidden room filled
with ancient documents, family diaries, and so forth.
     "You see, you are fortunate to be here tonight my loves, for
tonight is the night that you are destined to be MINE!  You see, we in
this estate are all gathered together to work toward some common
goals.  We must break up the blasphemous engagement of Akane Tendo to
the coward Ranma Saotome, and sever the strange control he has over
the pig-tailed girl!  And then -- ah, and then you shall both be free
to live your heart's desire with me!"
     "And my darling Ranma with me," Kodachi cackled.
     Shampoo leaned forward, about to give Kodachi the Amazon kiss of
death, but Mousse held her back.  "Let her have Ranma," he said, "you
will be with me as promised since we were children!"
     "You so stupid," Shampoo hissed at Mousse.
     "Ranma?" Akane whispered.
     "It's alright," Ranma whispered back.
     "But first," Kuno went on, "the match!  Where we compete to prove
once and for all which of us is best, which of us deserves the love of
Akane, the pig-tailed girl, and yes, even Ranma Saotome!  That is why
we have all come together here, to settle all differences once and for
all, to stop fighting amongst ourselves, and to see the best man --"
     "And woman, brother dear!"
     "Win!  For almost a month we have waited here for the final guest
to arrive; but since he has not seen fit to answer the challenge, and
since we have these two visions of loveliness here to watch, then let
the match begin!"
     At that moment, a window shattered as a boy came flying through
it, with a bag in one hand and an umbrella keeping off the rain in the
other...
     "Oh!  Ryoga!" Kuno exclaimed.
     "Oh no," Ranma shook her head.
     "Why's he here?"  Akane asked.


"SENSE OF DIRECTION"
(to the tune of "Sword of Damocles"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


RYOGA:
Oh...
My sense of direction keeps getting me in a mess
At each intersection always gotta be making a guess
Oh, woe is me, my trips take eternity
And can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty long journey
I woke up this morning in the sea half-way to Tokyo

ALL:
That ain't the way

RYOGA:
Despite all my rowing wasn't knowing the correct way to go

ALL:
That ain't the way

RYOGA:
High road or low
I'm packed up with nowhere to go
And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty long journey

RANMA:
Oh, goodness....

ALL:
Oh no no no that ain't the way

RYOGA:
Which way to go?

ALL:
Oh no no no that ain't the way

RYOGA:
Which way to go?

ALL:
Oh no no no that ain't the way, that ain't the way

RYOGA:
My sense of direction keeps getting me in a mess

ALL:
Oh no no no that ain't the way

RANMA:
Oh please!

RYOGA:
On the way to Furinken and I'm thinkin' that I'll be in distress

ALL:
Oh no no no that ain't the way

RYOGA:
Oh, woe is me, my life moves so randomly
And can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty long journey

ALL:
Oh no no no that ain't the way

RYOGA:
Which way to go?

ALL:
Oh no no no that ain't the way

RYOGA:
Which way to go?

ALL:
Oh no no no that ain't the way
Oh no no no that ain't the way
Oh no no no that ain't the way
Oh no no no that ain't the way
Oh no no no


     "Well really," Kuno sneered.  "It's about time you got here."
     Ryoga growled.
     "But," Kuno continued, "since you are finally here, and we have
these lovely guests to watch the proceedings, I'm prepared to forgive
you."
     "Shut up!"  Ryoga yelled.  "It's not my fault your family's
vacation home is hidden in the middle of a dark forest!  How was I
supposed to find it?"
     "We followed the road," said Mousse, adjusting his glasses.
     "Why are you here, Ryoga?"  Akane called out.
     "Akane!" Ryoga replied, surprised to see her in the room.  "Don't
worry, I'll take care of everything!"
     "Just take care of yourself," Akane replied.  "Don't get hurt,
these people can really fight!"
     Ryoga blushed, both at her insinuation that he wasn't a match for
the other contenders, and because she had no idea that he was also
there to try to steal Akane Tendo away from Ranma Saotome.
     "Don't worry about Ryoga," Ranma said dismissively.  "He's OK."
     "OK?  OK?!?"  Ryoga raged.  "Curse you Ranma, I'll show you I'm
better than OK!"  Ryoga leapt at Ranma, who immediately assumed a
defensive position.
     But before they could collide, a wooden sword swatted Ryoga onto
the floor.  "How dare you threaten the pig-tailed girl!  You have no
honor."  Kuno sighed.  "She isn't here for you.  Only I am worthy of
such a lovely -- ah, but first, we must have our matches where I will
prove that I, Upperclassman Kuno, known as Blue Thunder, the rising
star of Furinken High School and the best warrior here; and by right I
shall pursue these two maidens while the rest of you stand aside.
After I have also dispatched the hated Ranma, of course..."


"I WILL MAKE YOU MY WIFE"
(to the tune of "I Can Make You A Man"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


KUNO:
A coward who has fiancees four
Will get wood in his face
When kicked through the door
And soon this poor clown
Will be laughed out of town
The cries of his strife as he fights for his life
I'll make him grovel... and beg
And with Kendo, and just a little flashing leg
Hit his head with a keg
I'll say "Goodbye, man!"  Oh, Ranma...

SHAMPOO/KODACHI:
Then he'll be my man...

KUNO:
And then beautiful Akane and the pig-tailed girl
How can a man choose just one of the best in the world
Two such beauties can come only once in my life
In just seven days...

KUNO/RYOGA:
I will make you my wife

KUNO:
We'll do warm-ups, and practice
Fight the match, clean and fair
And soon Ryoga and Mousse will be outta here
For I am Blue Thunder with my great wooden knife
And in just seven days, can it be?
I will make you my wife...


     Kuno strolled toward Akane and Ranma, both of whom wanted to be
first to send him flying out the window...  But before he could reach
them, or they him, there was a great clattering of pots and pans.  A
door linking the gym to the kitchen burst open, releasing a great
cloud of steam into the room.  And, in the middle of the steam, stood
a lone figure gripping a giant metal spatula...
     "Ucchan!"  Ranma called out, glad to see his friend Ukyo Kuonji
(who was also, through the connivances of Ranma's father, one of
Ranma's fiancees).


"HOT POTSTICKERS"
(to the tune of "Hot Patootie" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


UKYO:
Whatever happened to Szechuan cow
When you added shrimp and some curried sow?
It don't seem the same since General Tsao
Came onto my plate and stir-fried it up
I used to play around while my daddy cooked
My best friend was named Ranma and how cute he looked
Our engagement was set up by his dad the crook
They climbed in our wagon, they only left us my cup

Hot pot stickers, bless my soul, I really love those shrimp egg rolls
Hot pot stickers, bless my soul, I really love those shrimp egg rolls
Hot pot stickers, bless my soul, I really love those shrimp egg rolls
Hot pot stickers, bless my soul, I really love those shrimp egg rolls

My head used to swim from the spices I tried
My hands kind of scrambled making veggies stir-fried
I'd taste it with my pink chopsticks and toss it aside
But when Ranma went away I knew I'd have to be best
Get out the books, brand-new cutlery
And trained my culinary skills against the sea
No more living like a girl, a man I would be
I got pretty good.  Oh!  But strapping down my poor breasts...

Hot pot stickers, bless my soul, I really love those shrimp egg rolls
Hot pot stickers, bless my soul, I really love those shrimp egg rolls
Hot pot stickers, bless my soul, I really love those shrimp egg rolls
Hot pot stickers, bless my soul, I really love those shrimp egg rolls


     "This isn't the place for cooking," Kuno sneered at Ukyo.  "This
is the gym, where I practice my martial arts."
     "My martial arts ARE cooking," Ukyo replied, hands on hips.
     "I only brought you here to cook," Kuno replied.
     "I only came to throw my own spatula in the ring when people
compete for Ranma," Ukyo thought to herself, but said nothing aloud.
"In that case, I have things to clean," she said, and she slowly
returned to the kitchen.


"I WILL MAKE YOU MY WIFE (REPRISE)"
(to the tune of "I Can Make You A Man (Reprise)"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


KUNO:
But that coward craven Ranma
Runs away with dishonor
Makes me, oooh, fight
Makes me be the knight that saves you from this stri-i-ife

ALL: (Shampoo/Kodachi sang "a wife", Kuno/Mousse/Ryoga sang "my wife")
In just seven days I will make you a/my wife

KUNO:
I don't want no acrimony, just dual matrimony

MOUSSE:
I'm a Shampoo fan

KUNO:
In just seven days, I will make you my wives
The rest of our lives!
In just seven days, I will make you my wives


     As the contenders started to face off, and Ranma protested to
Akane that none of this was his fault, in walked Sasuke.  He informed
them that their rooms were ready, and that the match would begin first
thing in the morning...

     "There is a school of philosophy which teaches that life is an
illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination," said
Happosai, sucking on his pipe.  "If this is so, then Ranma and Akane
are quite safe.  However, being surrounded by all of their enemies
and suitors -- and in poor Ranma's case, some were both -- had left
them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy (but this, too, is a type of
training), a feeling which grew as the combatants departed, and they
were shown to their separate rooms..."

     "Ah, that's MUCH better," Ranma thought to himself as he stepped
out of the hot bath.  He was once again in his true, male form.  "Now
I'd better get some sleep.  I'm exhausted from that long walk today,
and who knows what those freaks have planned for tomorrow?  Maybe I
should just get Akane and leave -- nah, if I tried getting her now,
she'd probably think I was sneaking into her room to kiss her or
something...  As if I'd kiss an uncute tomboy like her..."
     He dried himself off, pulled some sleeping clothes out of his
backpack, put them on, and slipped into bed.
     "I'll say one thing for Kuno," he muttered, as he stretched out
in the huge bed.  "He sure knows how to live..."  Ranma fell asleep.
     Not long afterwards, he woke up to hear someone entering his
room.  "Who is it?  Who's there?"  he whispered.
     "Pig-tailed girl!  It is I," Kuno whispered back, and leapt on
the bed.  "I just wanted to tell you," he said, hugging Ranma, "that
you need not fear tomorrow.  Everything's going to be alright.  I will
defeat the others and...  and..."  Kuno suddenly realized that he was
hugging a man.
     "And what?"  Ranma asked aloud, breaking out of Kuno's embrace.
     "Oh it's you!"  screamed Kuno.
     "I'm afraid so, Kuno."
     "What have you done with the pig-tailed girl?"
     "Nothing," Ranma drawled sarcastically.  "Why, do you think I
should?"
     "You tricked me... I wouldn't have... I never," sputtered Kuno.
"Well as long as you're here, I'll just have to dispose of you
tomorrow as well!"
     "I think you'll really found that quite difficult, 'Blue
Thunder'," Ranma taunted.  "You haven't beaten me in a fair fight
yet."
     "Curse you, Ranma!  I'll fight you now!!"  Kuno leapt for Ranma's
throat.
     "Good night, Kuno," Ranma said, landing a kick to Kuno's face
that hurled him out into the garden (leaving a big Kuno-shaped hole in
the wall).  Ranma rolled over and went back to sleep, ignoring the
storm raging outside...

     "If I can eliminate one or two competitors tonight," Mousse
thought to himself as he wandered through the halls of the Kuno
country estate, "I'll have a much easier time tomorrow.  I just have
to make sure that Shampoo doesn't win Ranma; and the best way to do
that is to keep all of the other suitors for Ranma in play.  That
means keeping Akane in the picture; she's got the best grip on him.
So, to keep her in play, I'll have to eliminate..."  Mousse stopped in
front of a door in the hallway; he'd memorized the location earlier.
"Ryoga!" he yelled, charging through the door.
     "What??"  Ryoga woke up and leapt to his feet as Mousse charged
into his bedroom.  He tried to dodge as Mousse produced a lit
candelabra from up his sleeve and threatened Ryoga with it; but
Ryoga's feet got tangled up in his blankets and he fell to the floor.
     Before Ryoga could free himself, Mousse grabbed the ends of the
blankets, swung them over his head, and hurled the blankets and Ryoga
out of the window.  Standing back, so as not to be hit by any of the
rain blowing into the room, Mousse saw a small black pig, illuminated
by lightning, lost in the folds of the wet blankets.
     Ryoga had gotten wet, and turned into his cursed form.

     Back in Ranma's room, the rain blowing in through the hole in the
wall had gotten Ranma and his bed quite wet, and also turned Ranma
back into a girl.  But she was so tired from the long day that she
didn't even notice, and continued to dream a nightmare of Kuno
eternally pursuing her...  Eventually, she woke up to hear someone
entering her room.  "Who is it?  Who's there?"  she whispered.
     "Ranma, darling, it is I," Kodachi whispered back, and leapt on
the bed.  "My brother dear told me you were here!  I just wanted to
tell you," she said, hugging Ranma, "that you need not fear tomorrow.
Everything's going to be alright.  I will defeat the others and...
and..."  Kodachi suddenly realized that she was hugging a woman.
     "And what?"  Ranma asked aloud, breaking out of Kodachi's
embrace.
     "Oh it's you!"  screamed Kodachi.
     "I'm afraid so, Kodachi."
     "What have you done with my darling Ranma?"
     "Nothing," Ranma drawled sarcastically.  "Why, do you think I
should?"
     "You tricked me... I wouldn't have... I never," sputtered
Kodachi.  "Well as long as you're here, I'll just have to dispose of
you tomorrow as well!"
     "I think you'll really found that quite difficult, 'Black Rose',"
Ranma taunted.  "You haven't beaten me in a fair fight yet."
     "Curse you, evil one!  I'll fight you now!!"  Kodachi leapt for
Ranma's throat.
     "Good night, Kodachi," Ranma said, ducking down and watching
Kodachi fly over her and out of the hole shaped liked her brother.
Ranma rolled over and went back to sleep...

     Akane tossed and turned.  It seemed that every time she fell
asleep, she'd get woken up again by voices and thumping noises coming
through the thin walls from the next room.  She knew Ranma was in the
next room, and didn't want to think about what he was doing.  "What's
happening here?" she muttered, getting up putting on a gown.
     She wandered downstairs, looking for the kitchen.  Her growling
stomach reminded her that they hadn't eaten in a while.  "Where's the
kitchen?  Where's anybody?  Oh, Ranma, if only we hadn't made this
journey... if only the rain hadn't fallen down...  oh, if only we were
with my family...  Or sane persons..."

     Shampoo and Ukyo, thrilled that Ranma was in the mansion with
them, had both been struck with the idea of creating an extra-special
breakfast for him.  Both were superb cooks, and arrived in the kitchen
at the same time.  After a few rounds of insults, threats, and thrown
cutlery; the two women went to work in silence, each creating a dish
for their beloved Ranma and ignoring the other.  In fact, the kitchen
was so quiet that they both easily heard Akane walking down the
stairs.  They both stopped what they were doing and went to peer out
the windows on the swinging kitchen doors to see who else was up and
about...

     As Akane passed by the front door, she heard a scratching sound
coming from outside.  She opened the door, and in walked a small black
pig with a black and yellow bandanna tied around its neck.  "P-Chan!"
she exclaimed, picking up the pig.  "What are you doing here?  How do
you always manage to find me?"  Akane was completely unaware that her
pet P-Chan was really Ryoga, suffering from his own Jusenkyo curse.
     "Oh, you're so cold," Akane said, hugging the blushing pig to her
chest.  "Ranma hasn't been terrorizing you, has he?  Here, I'll warm
you up..."

     "Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind, vehement or
excited mental state," Happosai read from a scroll.  "It is also a
powerful and irrational master.  The true martial artist must control
his passion, and be the master of himself.  However, from what Shampoo
and Ukyo viewed through the kitchen window, there seemed little doubt
that Akane was, indeed, its slave."

     "Now what she do?" whispered Shampoo.
     "Looks like she just found Ryoga," Ukyo whispered back.  "If he
wanted to get her alone, he couldn't have planned it better."
     "Except he stupid pig."
     "That's true.  Should we do anything?"
     "No!  If pig-boy with Akane, that leave Ranma for us..."
     Shampoo and Ukyo looked at each other, growled and hissed softly,
then returned their attention to the windows...


"HUG ME"
(to the tune of "Touch-A Touch-A Touch-A"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


AKANE:  (singing to P-Chan)
I'm sick of all these boys
And their noise
I only want my little pig...

UKYO:
You mean she still doesn't know that he's...

SHAMPOO:
Uh huh.

AKANE:
And don't you get me on a
Rant about that Ranma
And all that wedding trouble
I don't wanna...

But I don't really care
What goes on here
Let them all fight and think they're big

UKYO/SHAMPOO:
Big, big, big!

AKANE:
I'm sick of this condition
Of constant repetition
I'm not a prize to win
In competition

Hug-a hug-a hug-a hug me
Be my little piggy!
Roly-poly, console me
My cute pig, P-Chan

And if Ranma should win
Yet again
I'll tell that pervert where to go

UKYO/SHAMPOO:
Go, go, go...

AKANE:
And that's my last decision
Of my manumission
Why can't we just be friends
Without derision?

Hug-a hug-a hug-a hug me
Be my little piggy!
Roly-poly, console me
My cute pig, P-Chan

UKYO:
Hug-a hug-a hug-a hug me?

SHAMPOO:
That one lucky piggy

UKYO:
Roly-poly, console me?

SHAMPOO:
Stupid pig P-Chan

AKANE:
Hug-a hug-a hug-a hug me
Be my little piggy!
Roly-poly, console me
My cute pig, P-Chan
My cute pig, P-Chan
My cute pig, P-Chan
My cute pig, P-Chan
My cute pig, P-Chan


     Akane collapsed on the floor laughing, rolling around and holding
her little pet.
     Ukyo and Shampoo looked at each other, shrugged, then raced back
to their counters to resume their frantic silent cooking.
     "Up in blue sky, silly blimp go by," Shampoo sung to herself as
she stir-fried meat and vegetables for a Chinese omelet.
     Ukyo scowled as she created a breakfast okonomiyaki with bacon
and fried eggs.  She never got to sing any theme songs.

     Akane picked up P-Chan and returned to her room.  "Time for bed,
little piggy!" she beamed as she dropped her gown and climbed back
into bed.  P-Chan blushed and looked away from the sight of Akane in
her underwear.  Ryoga always felt guilty for staying with Akane under
these false pretenses; but yet, he was unable to stay away from her.
He was also unable to tell her, even as a man, how he felt about her.
Especially as a man.
     After Akane had fallen asleep (which didn't take long), P-Chan
jumped out of her bed and went down the hall to the bathroom.  The tub
was still full of hot water from Ranma's bath.  P-Chan jumped in and
sank to the bottom.  Moments later Ryoga burst out, wrapped a towel
around himself, and went off to try to find his room.  He was tired,
and hoped he'd be able to find it and get some sleep before the sun
came up.  As he wandered the dark hallways, he sang softly to
himself...


"YOU MAKE ME SMILE"
(to the tune of "Once In A While"
from "The Rocky Horror Show", not included in the movie)

RYOGA:
You make me smile
Although I can't tell you
Stuttering and stammering
And one of these days
I'll hopefully show you
You'll look around
Turn Ranma down
On his ear

But that's just a dream
All it means
To my heart's a hammering
You'll never be mine
Unless Ranma makes a break
He'll do something
With someone else
And I'll be there

Akane, don't cry
There's no need for sorrow
About that mean no-good fiance
Cuz after he's gone
Maybe tomorrow
I'll find your place
See your face
It'll be ok

And that's just the dream
That I need
Just to face another day
So give me a sign
Just a loving deed
I'll be around
The day you've found
It's me you need


     Meanwhile, Kuno was back in his room, berating his servant
Sasuke.  "Please, master!  Merrrrrcy!" the tiny ninja squealed.
     "How did it happen?" Kuno demanded.  "How did the foul Ranma
Saotome get into my domicile?  A man's home is supposed to be his very
castle itself; trust Ranma not to honor such a distinction.  He must
have followed Akane and the pig-tailed girl...  He knew that they were
coming for the Blue Thunder; and certainly, once they'd sought
sanctuary in my home, he would never see them again!"
     Sasuke attempted to sneak away while Kuno was lost in his
speechifying, but wasn't quick enough.  Kuno caught Sasuke's belt with
his wooden sword, swung the servant up into the air, and glared into
his eyes.  "I understood you were to be watching!"
     "I was only away for a minute, master!"
     "Well, see if you can find him on the monitor."  Kuno pulled
aside a curtain, revealing the controls for the house security system
as well as a monitor which was connected to cameras secreted about the
house.  "Let's start by looking into Akane and the pig-tailed girl's
rooms..."
     "Master!  You shouldn't!"
     "Are you accusing me of being a lecher without honor?" Kuno
asked, his voice full of danger.  "Why, I would never lower myself to
spy upon the women I love, to look in on their rooms and possibly see
them in a state of undress, innocently sleeping...  The moonlight
glistening over their sweet curves...  Bosoms gently moving as they
breathe...  *ahem*  Nay!  It is only the search for the vile Saotome
that compels me to do this!"
     Sasuke decided not to suggest that they search the rest of the
house first, and only then check on the rooms of the female guests.
He turned on the monitor, which just happened to be currently set to
look out of the camera mounted over the front door.
     Outside, heading toward the mansion, was a young blonde girl
wearing a pink leotard.  She was, somehow, gliding across the mud on
a pair of ice skates.
     "Master, master, we have a visitor!"
     "Great Scott!"  Kuno exclaimed.  "Not ... HER!!"
     "You know this ... person?"  Sasuke asked.
     "Maryann!" the girl outside called.  "Maryann, are you in there?
Come to Asuza, Maryann!"
     "I most certainly do," Kuno said, cringing from the voice coming
from the speakers.  "She's Asuza Shiratori, an insane figure skater.
She thinks I'm her Maryann."  Asuza had an annoying habit of giving
names to various people and things she encountered, and claiming
ownership of them.  She believed that since she owned Kuno, she also
owned everything which belonged to him.  "Lock all the doors!
Activate all security precautions!"
     Ryoga wandered into the room, still lost.  He saw Asuza on the
screen and shrieked.
     "You also know her?" Sasuke asked.
     Ryoga was sweating and shaking.  Asuza had also claimed P-Chan as
her own, and named him "Charlotte."  She had also figured out that her
darling Charlotte was also Ryoga; something which Ryoga did NOT want
Akane to ever learn.  "I competed against her and her partner in
martial arts figure skating once," Ryoga said.  He tried to think of
some way to use her presence to his advantage.  "She also happens to
be an old rival of Ranma's."
     "I see," Kuno began, suspiciously.  "So this wasn't simply a
chance meeting.  You brought her here!"
     "I told you, I was lost," Ryoga protested.  "I have no idea how
she found this place.  I was telling the truth."
     "I know what you told me, Ryoga, but is it also a coincidence
that on the same day you show up, Ranma Saotome arrives as well?  Did
you need his help to get here?"
     "I would never ask for his help!"
     "Master," Sasuke interrupted, "didn't you just say that Ranma
followed Akane and the other girl?"
     "He might have, I don't know," Kuno raged.  "He's not supposed to
be here!  This is the night I, Tatewaki Kuno, defeat all other
challengers and claim the love of Akane and the pig-tailed girl!"
     "Isn't Akane's fiance Ranma one of the people you'd have to
challenge, then?"  Ryoga asked.  He knew about Ranma's secret; but
kept it to himself from a combination of warrior's honor and self-
interest (after all, Ranma had not yet revealed to Akane Ryoga's
secret either).
     "You know he's never been able to beat Ranma," Sasuke whispered
to Ryoga.  As Kuno turned to Sasuke to demand he repeat what he'd just
whispered, Sasuke turned and looked at the monitor.
     "The intruder!  She's entering the building, master!"
     Kuno and Ryoga turned and stared at each other.  "Now what do we
do?" they both yelled, and then dived to hide under Kuno's bed.
     Sasuke sighed.  "I guess I'd better inquire of her in person."
He turned off the monitor and headed out to find her.  "She'll
probably be in the Zen room."

     Several minutes after Sasuke left, Kuno turned to Ryoga.
"Cretin!" he bellowed; then immediately lowered his voice.  "What do
you think you are doing, hiding under the bed of Tatewaki Kuno, age
seventeen?  This is no place for your craven cowardice!"
     "What?" Ryoga growled.  "I don't see you getting out!  Are you
afraid of a little girl?"
     "I think I know how to handle a girl in my bedchambers," Kuno
smirked.  "And I do not need to answer any questions from you about
what I choose to do in my room.  Now leave immediately!"
     "After you!"
     "So, is this a challenge?  Very well!  Get out in the open where
we can fight like men!"
     "Bakusai tenketsu!" Ryoga yelled, thrusting his hand upwards and
causing the mahogany bed frame to shatter.  The mattress, blankets,
and pillows were thrown away by the force of the explosion.
     "Quiet, impertinent whelp!" Kuno whispered, looking at the door.
"Do you want her to hear you?"
     Asuza burst through the wall behind Kuno, leaving a figure
skater-shaped hole behind her.  "Maryann!" she screeched.  "I've found
you!  Oooooh, look what another nice mansion I have!"
     "What are you doing here?" Kuno asked Asuza, trying to extricate
himself from her grasp.
     "Let's play games, Maryann!"
     Ryoga quickly jumped through the window and out onto the ledge.
He forgot that it was still raining outside.  Neither Kuno nor Asuza
heard the sounds of a wet, angry pig over the downpour.
     "What's going on here?" Mousse asked, walking into the room.
     "You know perfectly well what's going on here," accused Kuno.
"This is another one of your underhanded tricks, isn't it?  Part of
your plan, to gang up on the invincible Tatewaki Kuno and win the
beautiful women for yourself?  Well, unfortunately for you, the plans
are to be changed.  I am adaptable, Mister Mousse.  I--"
     Kuno was interrupted by Asuza tying bows around his head.  "It's
time to make you pretty!" she squealed.
     "I can assure you that I've never seen this woman before," Mousse
protested.  "I came here looking for Ryoga."
     "Ryoga?" Kuno grunted in surprise, only now noticing he was gone.
     "Charlotte?  Have you seen my Charlotte?"  Asuza began to jump up
and down with joy -- on Kuno's head.
     The rest of the guests -- Ranma (still in female form), Akane,
Shampoo, and Ukyo -- filed in to investigate the hubbub.  "What's
going on...  Eeeep!" Ranma exclaimed, seeing Asuza.
     "Ranma!" Shampoo cooed.
     "Shampoo!" Mousse exclaimed.
     "Ran-chan!" Ukyo greeted Ranma.  Even she knew about her fiance's
curse, but wasn't bothered at all by it.
     "Ranma," Akane growled threateningly.
     "Pig-tailed girl!" Kuno exclaimed, throwing his arms around
Ranma.  Ranma kicked him out the window, where he landed on a pissed-
off pig.
     "Ranma!" Shampoo purred again, throwing her arms around Ranma.
     "Shampoo!" Mousse protested, reaching into his sleeves for some
anti-Ranma projectiles.
     "Ranma!" Akane cried, hitting her over the head with a wooden
sledgehammer of unknown origin.
     "Why you so violent?" Shampoo asked.
     "Pig-tailed girl!" Kuno said as he climbed in the window.  P-Chan
jumped past him into Akane's arms, biting him on the way by.
     "P-Chan!" Akane exclaimed joyfully, dropping the sledgehammer (on
Ranma's head) and catching her pet pig.
     "Ranma honey!" said Ukyo, taking an arm and helping Ranma up off
the floor.  Shampoo grabbed Ranma's other arm, glaring at Ukyo.
     "Charlotte!" Asuza called out to P-Chan.
     "Ryoga," Ranma said, glaring at the pig in Akane's bosom.
     "Pig-tailed girl!" Kuno yelled, once again launching himself at
Ranma.  He landed on (in order) a foot, a fist, a spatula, and the
underside of the sledgehammer.
     "Brother dear, dinner is prepared!" Kodachi exclaimed, walking
into the room.  "Oh my, have I missed anything?  Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"
     "Excellent," Kuno said, composing himself.  He surveyed the
various nightgowns and disheveled clothes the guests were wearing.
His own clothes were now torn and wet.  "Under the circumstances,
formal dress is to be optional."
     P-Chan jumped out of Akane's arms, in search of a tub of hot
water.  "P-Chan!" Akane called.  "Why is he always running away, and
then showing up at the strangest times?"
     Ranma shrugged.  There wasn't any point in trying to tell her
P-Chan was Ryoga.
     "I'll make sure he doesn't get lost!" Ukyo promised, running out
the door after him.
     "No worry, Shampoo take care of Akane's pig too," Shampoo said,
following Ukyo.
     "What was that all about?" Akane asked.  She had no idea that
both Ukyo and Shampoo were hoping for Ryoga to take Akane away from
Ranma, to free Ranma for them.

     "Food," Happosai lectured to Soun and Genma, "has always played a
vital role in life's rituals.  The breaking of the bread, the last
meal of the condemned man, and even the La Belle France martial arts
eating style..."

     A large banquet had been prepared, and was laid out in the Kuno
dining room.  At one end of the table sat Kuno, as the head of the
household and legend in his own mind.  At his right hand sat his
twisted sister, Kodachi.  Ranma (still girl-type) sat at the far end
of the table, with Ukyo and Shampoo on either side, sitting as close
to him as they could.  Mousse sat in between Kodachi and Shampoo.  He
was trying to start a conversation with Shampoo; but since he wasn't
wearing his glasses, he was actually talking to the ice sculpture
in the middle of the table.  On the other side of the table was
Akane, pointedly ignoring Ranma and the girls who were MUCH too close
to him, and Ryoga, who wanted desperately to speak to Akane, if only
he had the slightest idea what to say.  Asuza was sitting between
Akane and Kuno, happily naming her utensils.  Her chopsticks, for
instance, were Brad and Janet.
     Kuno stood up.  "A toast!  To a common goal."
     Everyone else repeated, "A common goal," and lifted their
glasses...  Even Ranma and Akane, who'd forgotten that the goal of
which Kuno spoke was to separate the two of them, and fight over who
got the right to date with Ranma, Akane, and the pig-tailed girl.
     "We came here to discuss Ranma," Mousse grumbled impatiently.
     "Ranma?" Kodachi squealed, looking around for the man she loved.
(Kodachi didn't have a clue.  About a great many things.)
     "Anyone want some tea?" Akane asked, brandishing the pot of hot
water at Ranma.
     "That's a rather tender subject," Kuno said.  "Shall we finish
dining first?"
     "Excuse me," Ranma said, trying to extricate his arms from Ukyo
and Shampoo (who were treating him like a human wishbone) so he could
eat.  Shampoo and Ukyo immediately picked up the dishes they prepared
for him, and tried to get him to eat their food.
     Kuno raised an eyebrow.  He wasn't sure why Ukyo and Shampoo were
fighting over the pig-tailed girl, when he knew all three were being
led on by Ranma.  Ranma played with the affections of all of the girls
around him, Kuno thought, but had he hurt these three so much that
they'd forsaken men altogether?  "I knew he was a pervert," Kuno
said in a low voice, "but this is worse than I'd imagined...
Lesbians!"
     Ukyo, Shampoo, and Ranma all looked up in surprise.  "Huh?"
     "Violent Akane is pervert girl, not Shampoo!"
     "What?!" Akane jumped up and hit Ranma with a metal serving tray.
     "What did I do?" Ranma asked, peeling the now-Ranma-face-shaped
tray off of his head.
     "Go on, brother dear," Kodachi said sweetly, with a deep
underlying threatening tone to her voice.  "What exactly are you
implying about my dear Ranma?"


"RANMA"
(to the tune of "Eddie" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


KUNO:
From the day he arrived
He was trouble
He brought chaos
To everyone's lives
Started a fight

RYOGA/MOUSSE:
Got a new nemesis every night!

KUNO:
He took the pretty girls for wives
From the day I met him
I remember
Cats in the gym
And he broke my sword
Shirking all work

RYOGA/MOUSSE:
He was a shameless perverted jerk!

KUNO:
I could not take him at his word

ALL:
When Ranma's beat he never stays defeated
You knew he'd make another bid
And when he threatens your death
With the Dragon's breath

UKYO:
What a guy!

KODACHI:
Makes you sigh...

SHAMPOO:
Shampoo did.

AKANE:
Our parents said "Hurry!
He's the man you'll marry!"
I said, "Hey, listen to me,
Who asked for this matrimony?"
But he never told me how he feels 'bout me!

KUNO:
But in hopes of revenge
for his actions
I did challenge
Him in a note which reads

ALL:
What's it say?
What's it say?

KUNO:
"Let's fight if you can
Come hurry, take it like a man
There must be an end to your evil deeds!"

ALL:
When Ranma's beat he never stays defeated
You knew he'd make another bid
And when he threatens your death
With the Dragon's breath

UKYO:
What a guy!

KODACHI:
Makes you sigh...

SHAMPOO:
Shampoo did.

ALL:
When Ranma's beat he never stays defeated
You knew he'd make another bid
And when he threatens your death
With the Dragon's breath

UKYO:
What a guy!

KODACHI:
Makes you sigh...

SHAMPOO:
Shampoo did.


     As they all sat back, Ranma looked around.  Her male rivals fumed
about all the times they'd been defeated by him.  Her female suitors
wistfully imagining their future with him.  She made eye contact with
Kuno, laughed, and said, "Yep, that Ranma Saotome is one Hell of a
guy, isn't he?"
     Kuno got up and paced around, ranting about what he'd do if only
Ranma was there right now.  Kodachi, screeching "You will not harm a
hair on my darling Ranma's head!" started to argue with him.  Everyone
else, knowing that Ranma was right there (in female form) stayed
silent.  Most of them were smirking.
     Akane whispered to Ranma, "Ranma!  How could you?"
     "I'm just having a little fun with him," Ranma protested.  "Boy,
all these people really are obsessed with me, aren't they?"
     Enraged at his ego, Akane snarled, "Well, then, it's a shame they
can't tell you so to your face!" and dumped the hot pot of tea over
Ranma (instantly turning him back into a man).
     Ranma jumped backwards and cried out in pain, "That's HOT!"
     "Saotome!"  Kuno yelled.  He grabbed his bamboo training sword
and charged at Ranma.  As Ranma ran out of the room laughing, Mousse
and Ryoga followed closely behind Kuno.  Kodachi, Shampoo, and Ukyo
followed behind the men.
     "Oh well," said Akane, and continued eating.  The food really was
good.  She decided to ask Sasuke for the recipes, so she could try to
cook it herself.
     Asuza, oblivious to the whole argument, merely grabbed and named
all of the utensils and plates that had been left behind.  She's
already collected seven forks; Akane had no idea why anyone would need
so many.
     As the Nerima Wrecking Crew stormed around the Kuno mansion, up
and down the stairs and through walls after Ranma Saotome, Kuno called
out...


"PAY NOW, SAOTOME"
(to the tune of "Wise Up, Janet Weiss"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


KUNO:
I've got you now
You will rue this day
You're gonna pay now, Saotome
There's no mercy
Don't try to pray
You're gonna pay now, Saotome

I've set the trap
We'll wipe you off the map
Hard to pin, you're like a ninja
We will use my new fighting style
When I beat you, won't you see my face smile?

You think you'll block?
Oh no, not today
You're gonna pay now, Saotome
The kung fu, sir
Will hurt you, sir


     As they passed through his bedroom, Kuno dashed over to the
control panel to the house security system.  He threw a switch
labeled "Sonic transducer"; immediately Ranma and all of the others
pursuing him were stuck in place to the floor (except Kodachi, who
leapt clear when she saw what her brother was about to do).
     "My feet!  I can't move my feet!"  Ranma exclaimed.
     "Oh, no!  Shampoo stuck to floor too!"
     "It's as if we're glued to the spot with my special rubber-cement
okonomiyaki sauce," Ukyo declared in a single breath, then gasped for
air.
     "Yes!" Kuno laughed.  "So quake with fear, you tiny fools!"
     "We're trapped!" Ryoga raged.


KUNO:  (still singing)
I've got you, you seducer!
Now the match can be underway...


     "You won't find us all quite so easy to defeat as you imagine,"
Mousse announced.  "This sonic transducer...  It is, I suppose, some
kind of audiovibratory physiomolecular transport device?"
     "You mean..."
     "Yes, Ranma, it's something we Amazons have been working on for
three thousand years of history.  But it seems our opponent here has
found a means of perfecting it.  A device which is capable of holding
a victim completely immobile and then banishing him through space and,
who knows, perhaps even time.. itself!"
     "It doesn't sound like that has any honor," Ranma declared.


KUNO:  (still singing)
Honor, schmonor, Ranma!
You're gonna pay now, Saotome
You're gonna pay now, you'll pay and how!
You're gonna pay now...

HAPPOSAI:
And then he cried out...

RANMA:
Fight me!

KUNO:
Don't try to make demands!
This is part of my plans...

RANMA:
You're a loser
And you'll never defeat me, you know
Damned Kuno


     Kuno threw the switch again, and Ranma disappeared.


RYOGA/MOUSSE:
You're a loser
And you'll never defeat me, you know
Damned Kuno


     Kuno threw the switch again, and Ryoga and Mousse disappeared.


UKYO/SHAMPOO:
You're a loser--


     Kuno threw the switch again, and Ukyo and Shampoo disappeared.
     "My God!" Akane exclaimed, marching into the room.  "I can't
stand any more of this!  First you chase after me and tell all of the
other students they have to fight me.  Then you decide to get obsessed
over Ranma while still pursuing me.  Everyone else is trying to marry
or kill Ranma, or they want to marry or kill me.  I'm sick of it!  Do
you hear me, sick!  I never asked for any of this!  You people fight,
fight, fight, and ruin everything.  Well, I've had enough!  You're
going to tell me where Ranma is, then we're both going to leave!"
     Kuno threw the switch, and Akane disappeared.  As an
afterthought, he turned a knob and threw the switch one more time.
Asuza, in the dining room, disappeared.

     "It's not easy settling such a great debt of honor," Kuno said,
walking away from the control panel.  "Even plumbing my mind for
Shakespearian dialog makes my face ache..."  He turned to his sister.
"Do you think I made a mistake, bringing them all here at once?"
     "Ahh!  Aha!  Hahahaha!" Kodachi cackled.  "My dear brother, I
grow weary of your speeches.  When shall we settle this once and for
all, so I might be free of these harpies that keep coming between me
and Ranma?"
     "My dearest twisted sister, I am indeed grateful for your
assistance in this matter.  Thus far, you have served me well.  Do not
vex me now; for when the mood takes me, I can be quite dangerous."  He
began to walk towards the door.  "Come, prepare the guests for Geisha
Fu!  We are ready for the match!"
     The two Kuno siblings walked out the door, and down the stairs.

     "And so," Happosai lectured, "by some extraordinary contrivances,
fate, it seemed, had decided that Ranma and Akane should once again
face all of their competitors in a martial arts competition, arranged
this time by one Tatewaki Kuno.  But it was to be in a style which
none of them could have possibly foreseen.  What further indignities
were they to be subjected to?  And what of this 'Geisha Fu' that Kuno
had spoken of?  Surely, he couldn't be referring to that ancient
discipline used by women seeking to capture a rich man and remove all
competition?  It is an ancient craft, and long thought lost.  Where
could he have learned of it?  And what diabolical plans has it shaped
in Kuno's crazed imagination?  From what had gone before, it was clear
that this was to be no formal tea ceremony..."

     Kuno and Kodachi arrived at a locked door, directly beneath
Kuno's bedchambers.  When he opened it, they found a pile of
unconscious guests, who'd been knocked out by sleeping powder and
dropped through a trap door (with a flash of light and burst of smoke
to conceal this activity).  It was one of Sasuke's proudest traps,
which Kuno had been waiting to try on someone (other than Sasuke).
     A divider had been set up in the middle of the room.  The females
were carried to one side, the males to the other.  Sasuke was
instructed to carry Asuza far away, and leave her there, before she
awoke.
     Kuno, on the male side, produced a book, his mother's diary, and
read aloud from the section entitled "Geisha Fu, or, how I stopped
worrying and learned to defeat all others and capture your father."
As he did so, servants followed his direction, changing the clothes of
the Kunos and all of the guests, and applying makeup; to prepare them
for the all-out anything-goes Geisha Fu martial arts floorshow battle.
     All of the competitors, male and female, were dressed in tight-
fitting sequined leather corsets, black panties, garter belts,
fishnet stockings, high-heeled shoes, and fingerless gloves (sequined
on one arm, fishnet on the other).  All of the costumes were
identical; except that Kuno's sequined corset and glove were red and
gold, where the others' were black and red.
     Next, the waterproof makeup was applied; first, a layer of white,
followed by a pattern around the face and on the eyes and lips.  Each
competitor had a different color applied.
     Finally, a boa was draped over each fighter's shoulders; except
for Kuno, who had a fur stole.  Kuno, for luck, had chosen to wear the
ensemble that his own mother had worn to win the battle for the heart
(and money) of his father.
     Once all of the guests were properly made-up and attired, they
were carried down to the gym and placed on a special stage which had
been erected for the event.  The servants left.  Kuno and Kodachi went
backstage, opened the curtains, and waited for the guests to awake...


"LOVE FROM ABOVE"
(to the tune of "Rose Tint My World"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


SHAMPOO:
It was great back in my home camp
Shampoo was Amazon fighting champ
But my wedding plans then hit a cramp
At Jusenkyo when I got damp
Now the only reason I no gripe
Is my love of Ranma boy-type
Love from above, is it worth all the trouble and pain?

RYOGA:
I'm just twenty-three days late
A lonely wanderer is my fate
There's somebody I would date
But only as P-Chan we relate
Now the only place that I can rest
Is curled up on Akane's chest
Love from above, is it worth all the trouble and pain?

MOUSSE:
I can't find you; help me, Shampoo!
Marry me, I pray; forget Saotome
Who's this?  Let's see...  Ryoga Hibiki!
Where can Shampoo be?
Wooo!  Here she comes again!

UKYO:
I feel renewed, Ranma said I'm cute
My feminine side's not moot, my fiance is here
The match is now commencing; and now, spatula fencing!
Then a date with Ranma, dancing
My love is so sincere


"DON'T JOIN THEM"
(to the tune of "Fanfare/Don't Dream It"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


RANMA:
Would you just look at Akane
That tomboyish, leather-clad frame?
Though I tried to insult
I just started to gulp
When I noticed that I'm dressed just the same!
It doesn't matter, just another battle
If it's martial arts, then I cannot lose
Erotic clothing won't make me rattle
At least I'm used to walking in girl's shoes
Won't I defeat them?  Oh, oh, oh... oh!
Don't join them, beat them...
Don't join them, beat them...

SHAMPOO/RYOGA/MOUSSE/UKYO:
Don't join them, beat them...
Don't join them, beat them...

AKANE:
Baka!
We've got to get out of this trap
Before these lunatics get their way
We've got to move on, maybe find P-Chan
Or else my mind may well snap
And their lives won't be worth...
Panda crap!

MOUSSE:
I can't find you; help me, Shampoo!

ALL:
God bless Takahashi!


"Furinken Kendo King"
(to the tune of "Wild and Untamed Thing"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


KUNO:
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...my!
I'm the Furinken Kendo king
And my sword is a deadly sting
If you get hit you'll fly from the ring
Your head'll bow and my praise you'll sing.
So move your body, let the fight rock on
We're gonna beat him 'till Ranma is gone
Love from above, it is worth all the trouble and pain

SHAMPOO/RYOGA/MOUSSE/UKYO/RANMA/AKANE:
He's the Furinken Kendo king
And his breath is a deadly thing
If you get hit your laughter will ring
For Kuno's never won anything
So move your body, let the fight rock on
We're gonna beat him 'till this match is done
Love from above, it is worth all the trouble and pain

ALL:
[Kuno repeats his verse while the others repeat their verse]

KODACHI:
All you hussies, don't be fussy
You'll have to find another
Because Ranma is mine
I am the Black Rose
As everybody knows
Come fight me and my brother
Form an orderly line...

KUNO:
Let the match begin!!


     The contestants began to slowly circle, checking each other out.
Ranma and Akane stood back; still not completely sure why they were
there, but not wanting to get caught in the middle (yet again!)
Mousse was also hanging back, since he'd been stripped of his robe
full of secret weapons.  Strategy therefore was to let the others
wear themselves out for a while before he made his move.
     One of the first things that everyone noticed was that Ryoga and
Mousse were very unsteady in the stiletto heels they were wearing.
Kuno had obviously been practicing for the match, but the other men
had never worn high heels before.  Ukyo and Akane didn't wear them
often either, but felt that they'd be able to cope.  The biggest
surprise (for the Kunos) was that Ranma seemed to cope with the heels
just fine.
     "Oh, what incredible balance for someone who's never worn such
shoes before!" Kodachi cooed to herself.  "He really is the perfect
man for me!"
     "Ah, Saotome," Tatewaki Kuno thought.  "You stand far too well in
those shoes, as though you were no stranger to female attire.  Are you
really the pervert they say you are?"

     Ranma glanced around; he appeared to be looking for someone.
Akane nudged him.  "Who are you looking for?"
     "Well," Ranma drawled, "just about everyone else seems to be
here.  I was looking for the old ghoul, or Kuno's father."
     "What about Shampoo's sisters?" Akane asked.  "Wouldn't you
rather see them?  They're much cuter."
     "Very funny," Ranma replied.  "I shouldn't be asking for trouble,
though.  With all of these freaks, who needs Taro or Miss Hinako too?"

     Ryoga and Mousse were leaning against each other for support.
Apart from the attack a short while ago, Mousse and Ryoga normally
weren't hostile to each other and occasionally were able to work
together (since they had a common enemy, Ranma, but were not after the
same girl).
     Ukyo and Shampoo were watching Kodachi, not sure what to expect.
However, they were also keeping each other in full view as well.
Since all three girls wanted Ranma, cooperation and trust between them
had never been long-lived.
     Kuno glanced at his sister and nodded.  They both knew that their
biggest advantage was that they had practiced Geisha Fu; and that they
had to strike fast before the others could adjust.  Kodachi also knew
that her opponents were not usually in their best form after a dose of
sleeping powder.  Selecting their targets (they hadn't planned for the
presence of Ranma and Akane; Kuno's main opponent was Ryoga, and
Kodachi had decided to attack Ukyo before Shampoo), they attacked!
     Whirling her boa as though it were one of her rhythmic gymnastic
ribbons, Kodachi quickly ensnared Ukyo Kuonji before she had a chance
to react.  The boas were not as flimsy as they looked, and she was
unable to break free.  Kodachi spun like a dervish, laughing
hysterically, as she swung Ukyo around in circles.  With a flip of the
wrist, Ukyo was released from the boa and flew through the air.  She
collided with the far well, and fell to the floor.
     Kuno kicked a switch on the floor, triggering an automatic
spotlight.  It followed him around; and he used the bright gold and
red sequins on his outfit to blind Ryoga (Mousse was already blinded;
they'd taken away his glasses when they changed him) prior to his
strike.  "Always attack out of the sun," Kuno said to himself.  "If
there is no sun, well then, the well-prepared gentleman can always
find a substitute."  This was another reason why the others were all
dressed darker than he was.  Swinging his fur stole like a whip,
slipping it under Ryoga's guard as if it were his sword, Kuno struck
Ryoga repeatedly and mercilessly.  Blood began to drip down his chest
and arms from the tiny claws at the end of the stole.  Ryoga was
forced backwards, until he came up against a wall.
     "I'll save you, Ryoga!" Mousse shouted, and leapt through the
air.  He attacked one of the stone gargoyles in the corner, knocking
a bowler hat off of its head.  "I need my weapons!" he complained.
     Shampoo attempted to spin her boa like nun chucks, with the
pompoms on the ends providing the necessary weight, but she didn't
think that would be effective.  She and Kodachi circled each other in
an open area.  They both saw Ukyo slowly pulling herself up; but since
neither one could count on her support, they both decided to finish
off the other before Ukyo got back into the match.
     Having seen the way Kodachi took down Ukyo, Shampoo was much
better equipped to keep the same from happening to her.  She jumped
and danced around Kodachi, dodging her boa while trying to mount an
attack of her own.  She was perfectly at home in the high-heeled
shoes, more so than Ukyo, but soon realized that she had another
problem:  the corset was so tight that she was already getting short
of breath.  She wouldn't be able to exert herself as long or as hard
as she normally could.  She and Kodachi continued to circle and look
for an opening; but with the tight corset, the unfamiliar weapon
(Shampoo preferred solid, heavy, blunt objects; like her bonbouris),
and Ukyo reviving, Shampoo knew the clock was ticking against her.
(Kodachi hadn't tied her own corset as tightly as she'd tied the
others'.  Ukyo, who generally bound her chest to appear less feminine
anyway, wasn't bothered.)

     "Should we get involved?" Akane asked.
     "I'm sure they'll find a way to drag us in eventually," Ranma
replied.  "But it's not my fight."
     "Oh?"  Akane raised an eyebrow.  "Are you sure you don't just
enjoy watching all these cute girls fighting over you?"
     "Akane, you know that they, I mean, you, I mean," Ranma
stammered.  "You are SO uncute, you know that?"
     Akane growled.

     Ryoga watched Mousse run off the stage, behind the curtains.
Apparently, he'd been abandoned.  However, he was learning to evade
Kuno's dead rodent attack, even if he hadn't yet landed a punch of his
own.  He knew he was stronger than Kuno; but between Kuno's speed and
ease in the accursed shoes, and the blinding light still tracking Kuno
and reflecting off of the sequins, things didn't look good.

     "What's wrong with Shampoo?"  Akane asked Ranma.  "She's
breathing awfully heavy, and the fight's barely begun."
     "That corset she's wearing is really tight around her chest,"
Ranma noted.  "With a chest her size, that can't be comfortable.
You're lucky you don't have to worry about that..."
     Ranma wasn't fast enough to dodge the wooden sledgehammer that
the staff had conveniently left in the corner after building the
stage.  "Idiot," Akane said, dropping the hammer on Ranma's
unconscious body.

     Ukyo got up and charged at Kodachi.  Kodachi nimbly leapt out of
the way.  Shampoo was not as fast.  Ukyo hit Shampoo, and they both
fell over in a mess of flailing arms and legs.
     "Hey, watch it!  We're caught!"  Ukyo complained to Shampoo.
Their sequins, garters, and fishnets had gotten caught against each
other, and they were having trouble getting separated.
     "Stupid girl," Shampoo said, also trying to pull free without
ripping off her clothes in the process.  "Shampoo no need help from
spatula girl."
     "I wish I had my spatula right now," Ukyo grumbled.
     "Oh well," Kodachi laughed.  "Don't you know you can't grapple in
clothes like these, that get easily entangled?  It's just like my
rhythmic gymnastics; one must use the tools and fight from a distance!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!"


"I'M GONNA WIN"
(to the tune of "I'm Going Home"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


KUNO:
On this day, oh Akane

MOUSSE/RYOGA:
What now...

KUNO:
After I win the fray

MOUSSE/RYOGA:
Beat him how...

KUNO:
I want to come with you, and stay

MOUSSE/RYOGA:
Oh, ow, ow...

KUNO:
Smile, and that will mean I may
Because you're, oh, my world
(Along with the pig-tailed girl)
And I realize, I'm gonna win

MOUSSE/RYOGA:
Can't let him win

KODACHI:
Everywhere it's been the same

SHAMPOO/UKYO:
I'm his...

KODACHI:
My opponents fear my name

SHAMPOO/UKYO:
Boo hiss...

KODACHI:
'Cause I had won every game

SHAMPOO/UKYO:
As if...

KODACHI:
'Cept for that girl, she's to blame
And Ranma, oh, he's mine
She can't cheat, not this time
And I realize, I'm gonna win

SHAMPOO/UKYO:
Can't let her win

KUNO/KODACHI:
I'm gonna win
I'm gonna win


     As Kuno continued to pummel poor Ryoga, Ryoga glanced over at
Akane.  He was usually able to draw strength from her presence, even
if her pity hurt him more than anything else.  But now, as he was
being beaten mercilessly and had been abandoned by Mousse, she wasn't
even watching.  She was busy arguing with Ranma.  Ranma!  That jerk
always made her upset, but she wouldn't leave him.  She would never
look at Ryoga the way she looked at him...
     "Kuno, you shouldn't make me depressed," Ryoga said in a low,
ominous voice.  "You wouldn't like me when I'm depressed."  He
gathered up all of his pain, his depression, his low self-esteem; and
released it in a single burst of energy at Kuno.  "Shishi hokodan!!"
     Kuno was thrown across the room.  His fur stole disintegrated
into a cloud of fluff.  Even the wooden floor, where Kuno and Ryoga
had been standing, was shattered.
     Ryoga looked down, and saw that underneath the gym was a big
swimming pool.  "Oh, no!" he cried as he fell through the hole he'd
made into the water below.
     Splash!  "Bweee!"

     Ukyo and Shampoo were attacking Kodachi together.  They were
throwing kicks at her; those that connected were painful, with the
stiletto heels.  Suddenly, a sandbag from the ceiling came loose and
hit the floor just behind Shampoo.
     "A little to the right, Sasuke!" Kodachi yelled out.  She had
told the family servant to hide backstage and drop sandbags on her
opponents if the fight lasted too long.
     Another sandbag fell, just barely missing Kodachi.  "I said, the
RIGHT!"
     "I'll take care of him," Ukyo said to Shampoo, and dived behind
the curtains.
     "I take care of loud stupid-laugh-girl," Shampoo replied.  She
pulled the shoes off of her feet, and jumped back at Kodachi, wielding
them like fighting daggers.
     "You're attacking me with shoes?" Kodachi laughed.  "You'll have
to get a lot closer to me to do that."  She began spinning her boa
again, making a sort of shield.

     Kuno looked around, and Ryoga and Mousse were nowhere to be seen.
Ukyo was also gone, and Shampoo was barely moving, gasping for breath.
"I think it is time, dear sister, to declare victory!"
     "How egotistical," Ukyo said, stepping out from behind the
curtain.  She was holding a stage weight in her hands; a flat, heavy
round steel weight.
     "And very presumptuous of you," Mousse added, following her out.
"You see, when I stepped away, it was only to arm myself before
returning to battle.  I found all the ropes and chains I needed
backstage, once I knocked out your puny servant."
     "And this is an excellent weapon for me," Ukyo said, launching
the weight through the air like a Frisbee.  "It's just like a metal
okonomiyaki."  The weight ricocheted off of two walls, barely missed
decapitating Kodachi, and flew back into Ukyo's hands.
     Ryoga, now in his porcine P-chan form, jumped up through the hole
in the floor.  Dripping and hissing, he launched himself at Kuno.

     "Look, Ranma, P-Chan's back!" Akane exclaimed.  "I wonder why he
has that make-up all over his face?  That's the same color Kuno put on
Ryoga..."
     "Boy, I wish I had Nabiki's camera now!  That little runt would
never live this down.  It'd be worth the five hundred yen camera
rental fee!"
     "Why do you always have to be mean to P-Chan?" Akane yelled, and
kicked Ranma.  Ranma went flying through the air and landed on
Kodachi.  "P-Chan!" Akane then called out, and raced to her pet's
defense.
     "My love, you've come for me!" Kodachi said, gazing wistfully
into Ranma's eyes.  "But these other shrews aren't defeated yet.  Can
you bear to wait just a teensy-weensy bit more for me?"  She batted
her eyes.
     "Ranma and Akane have joined the fight!" Kuno announced.
"Anything goes, last one standing wins!"  He charged at Ranma.
     The spotlight continued to automatically track Kuno, blinding
those in his path with the reflections from his sequins.  "I guess
I'll take care of that first," Ranma muttered.  "Tenshin Amaguriken!"
Using the "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" technique, first
taught to him by Shampoo's great-grandmother Cologne, Ranma's hands
were moving faster than the eye could see.  Before Kuno could respond
or block, Ranma had plucked all of the sequins off of Kuno's corset.
"That's one less unfair advantage."
     Suddenly, Kuno and Ranma both found themselves bound with heavy
chains, which had previously been holding up sandbags.  "Aha!" said
Mousse.  "Now I have you both!  Should I avenge myself on Kuno first
and win the match, or just eliminate Ranma to claim my darling
Shampoo?  Decisions, decisions!"
     "Stay out of this!" Ranma raged.  "It's my turn to teach this
moron a lesson!  You had your chance."
     "So, gang up on me, will you?" Kuno declared.  "Never mind, you
cannot possibly defeat me in my own--"
     Mousse brought a sandbag down on Kuno's head, knocking him
unconscious.  "That was an easy choice.  Anything to shut him up!"
He turned to Ranma.  "And now, it's your turn to pay..."
     "Ranma-honey, I'll save you!" Ukyo called out from across the
room.  She flung the steel weight.  "Duck!"
     Mousse spun around, squinting.  "Duck?  Where?  Who said that?"
(Mousse's cursed form, from his own mishap at Jusenkyo, was the body
of a duck.)  The weight hit him in the chest, knocking him backwards
and through the hole in the floor.  He landed in the pool below.
     Splash!  "Quack!"
     Ranma struggled against the chains, but to no avail.  He and Kuno
were pulled down into the pool after Mousse.  As soon as Ranma hit the
water, he transformed into his feminine form.  Smaller now, she easily
extricated herself from Mousse's chains.  She swam over to Kuno to set
him free before he drowned.
     The shock of the cold water revived Kuno, he woke up in Ranma's
arms.  "Ah, the pig-tailed girl!  This must mean that I have won the
day!"  He threw his arms around Ranma, causing them both to sink
again.
     "Idiot!" Ranma cried, striking Kuno with enough force to hurl him
out of the pool, and return him to unconsciousness.  "I knew I'd
regret saving his life, but I didn't think it would be so soon."

     Meanwhile, up above in the gym, Akane had scooped up P-Chan and
was trying to evade Kodachi and her boa.  Never the most graceful girl
to begin with, and the clothes weren't helping, Akane had a few welts
on her side where Kodachi had wielded the boa like a whip.  Thus far,
she'd been unable to bind Akane and render her helpless, which was her
goal.  "You can't run forever, you cheap hussy!" Kodachi squealed.
     Shampoo chased after Kodachi, wishing she had something large and
heavy to knock her over the head with.  Something like the island of
Tokyo, for instance.  Shampoo was furious with Kodachi, and felt that
Akane would be easy enough to dispose of after Kodachi was gone.

     Ukyo had gone to check on Ranma, and saw her emerge from the pool
below.  She lowered her boa for Ranma to climb up on; and dropped her
weight onto Mousse's head when he tried to fly out of the pool room.
"I don't suppose, Sugar," Ukyo asked Ranma, "that we could just slip
away while everyone else is busy?"
     "You know I can't, Ucchan," Ranma replied.  "If I leave, they'll
kill Akane."
     Ukyo sighed.  "I know.  Well, let me get another weight from
backstage, I still have a score to settle with that irritating psycho
woman."  She dashed off to reload.

     Ranma jumped in front of Kodachi and caught her whipping arm by
the wrist.  "Knock it off, Kodachi!"
     "You!" Kodachi said, her voice frigid.  "How dare you interfere,
you pig-tailed trollop?  Well, if you want to be the first one
eliminated between me and Ranma, so be it!"
     "Oops," Ranma muttered.  "Forgot I was a girl again!"  She faced
Kodachi.  "We never asked to be a part of this fight.  Just let Akane
and I leave, and I don't care what you do."
     "A coward!" Kodachi laughed.  "Why am I not surprised?  It's just
as well my dear brother isn't here to see the beating I'm out to give
you."  She attacked.
     "I don't fight girls!" Ranma protested, dodging Kodachi's
attacks.  Just then, Ranma realized something.  "Now that I'm a girl,"
she thought, "this corset is much too tight!  Just like Shampoo, I
won't be able to keep this up for long!"

     "Now that it's just girls," Shampoo said, "me no need this
anymore."  She ripped off her corset and took a deep breath.  "Much
better!  And now, Shampoo fight Akane!"  Shampoo leapt at Akane, still
wielding her shoes as weapons.  Akane tried to dodge, tripped over her
feet, and fell to the floor.
     As she fell, a stage weight flew through the air where her head
had been moments before.  "Jackass," Ukyo swore under her breath, then
ducked backstage for another.
     As Shampoo charged forward to attack again, P-Chan jumped from
Akane's arms and bit Shampoo's ankles, tripping her.  "Stupid pig, I
cook you up real nice for that!"  P-Chan growled, staying between
Akane and Shampoo.

     Suddenly, the doors to the gym slammed open.  Kuno, with a large
lump on his head and his usual training sword in his hands, charged
in.  "Saotome!" he bellowed.  "Your time has come.  Say goodbye to all
of this, and hello to oblivion!"  He looked around, but didn't see
(male) Ranma anywhere.  "Curse him, has he run away again?"  Kuno
looked around some more, and saw (female) Ranma and his sister
circling each other.  "My pig-tailed girl!" he cried out in joy, and
charged to protect his love from his twisted sister.

     Mousse followed in after Kuno.  Still in duck form, he had at
least found his belongings on his way back up.  His glasses were on
his head and a wide assortment of knives were secreted amongst his
feathers.  He was ready to kill Ranma once and for all.  He looked
around the gym and saw ... Shampoo, topless, jumping up and down
trying to keep P-Chan from biting her feet.  Mousse's beak went agape,
blood dripped from his nostrils, his knives dropped to the floor, and
he found himself unable to move.

     Kuno tackled Kodachi.  As they yelled and struck at each other,
Ranma ran over to Akane to see if she was all right.
     "I'm going to end this now," she said to Akane.  "You'd better
leave now while it is still possible."
     "I'm not going to leave you!" Akane protested.  "Besides, I don't
think I can walk right now anyway.  I twisted my ankle."

     Dodging her feet and circling her legs at incredible speed,
P-Chan had managed to maneuver Shampoo over to the hole in the floor.
Then, with one strong leap right to her stomach (he blushed furiously
at the sight of her chest; but since Akane was in danger, he couldn't
let his modesty interfere) he managed to knock her off-balance.  She
fell through the hole.  Clutching to try to save herself, she only
managed to pull P-Chan down with her.
     Splash!  "Meow!"  "Bweee!"

     Ukyo came out with another weight.  Ranma-chan was too close to
Akane, so she looked for another target.  She saw Mousse shake himself
back to reality, and start gathering up his knives.  She aimed
carefully.

     Shampoo popped back up through the hole in the floor, and shook
the water out of her fur.  She saw Akane getting too close to Ranma
and hissed.  She charged.

     Ranma noted all of the new arrivals.  She quivered with fear at
sight of Shampoo -- her one weak spot was ailurophobia, fear of cats.
"Quick," she said, helping Akane up.  "Grab onto my back.  Use both
hands.  I think our only chance to end this now is the hiryu shoten
ha."
     "Great heavens!" said Akane.  "That's your ultimate final
attack!"
     "Yes, Akane.  An attack capable of clearing an entire room full
of enemies in one cyclone of fury."
     "What about P-Chan?"
     "I already saw him run off," Ranma said.  Normally he wouldn't
have worried too much if Ryoga was caught up in the powerful attack;
but Ryoga had helped to defend Akane, so Ranma felt compelled to make
sure he was clear.  "He'll be fine.  He'll show up again somewhere
else before you know it."  She stood up, holding Akane on her back.
"Now clear your mind.  Remember - heart of ice!"
     They each took a deep breath, exhaled the pain and anger, and
allowed their battle aura to become frigid.  Nothing must distract
them now.

     Ukyo tossed the weight.  She set up an indirect bank shot, so
that it would bounce off of two walls and strike Mousse from behind.
Mousse heard a whistling noise behind him, spun around, and received
the metal disc right between the eyes.  If he'd been a man, it might
have caved his skull in and killed him; but since he was but a duck,
the weight picked him up and carried him along on its trajectory.

     "How dare you attack my two loves?" Kuno demanded of his sister.
     "Your two loves appear ready to abandon you yet again, brother
dear," she responded.
     Kuno looked up and saw Ranma stand up with Akane on her back.
"Don't leave me!  I will prove myself to you!"  He ran toward them.
     "You two won't escape me that easily," Kodachi snarled, following
behind her brother.

     The "steel okonomiyaki" sped back towards Ukyo, with Mousse
riding it and hurling knives in her direction.  She ducked as it
passed overhead.

     Ranma slowly started to walk.  She was a little unsteady, with
the tightness of the corset constricting her chest and the weight of
Akane (when did she get so heavy?) on her back.  Still, she was
choosing her steps very carefully.  As Tatewaki and Kodachi Kuno
charged at the from one direction and Shampoo from the other, Ranma
led them deliberately in a spiral, ever closer to the center.
     Their anger and (however deluded) love made a strong hot front
follow them as they pursued Ranma, the red battle aura almost visible
the trained eye.  Ranma (eyes closed to avoid seeing Shampoo) and
Akane were keeping their minds clear, their icy battle auras creating
a cold front.
     Closer and closer the two forces came, as Ranma led them to the
center of the spiral.  Then, throwing a single punch, he caused them
to collide.  This was the secret of the hiryu shoten ha, another
ancient technique taught to him by Cologne.  The result was a great
whirlwind, which scooped up everyone in the room.
     The thin paper walls shredded themselves as the whirlwind moved
close to them.  Cold water from the pool was sucked up into the
vortex, drenching all of them.  Higher and higher it spun, taking them
out through the ceiling.
     Ranma just barely managed to avoid the stage weights which were
also caught up in the maelstrom.  The others were not so lucky, and
crashed to the ground, unconscious.
     Ranma and Akane were also hurled through the air, and plummeted
toward the solid ground.  Ranma managed to spot a large area of mud,
that at least looked softer than the surrounding rocky terrain, and
spun in midair so that they would land in it.  Ranma hit the ground
first, absorbing the brunt of the impact for Akane.

     For a while, they just lay in each others arms, gasping for
breath.  Eventually, this became awkward.  Their eyes met, and they
quickly let go and looked away.
     They noticed that half of the mansion had been destroyed by the
blast.  "Wow," Ranma panted.
     "You did the right thing," Akane assured her.
     "A decision had to be made," Ranma replied.  "I'm just glad it's
over."  He helped Akane up.  "Can you walk?"
     "Not very well.  How about you?"
     "I hit the ground pretty hard.  I think we'll have to lean on
each other."
     "OK," Akane said, holding onto Ranma's arm.  "Would you like me
to loosen your corset a bit so you won't be out of breath before we
clear the forest?"  Ranma nodded.  "I'll bet now you're not so proud
of your big chest," she chuckled.  Ranma, for once, was smart enough
not to make a sarcastic reply.
     Still in the Geisha Fu costumes, covered in mud, the two of them
staggered down the road back towards Nerima.  Home.


"MARTIAL ARTISTS"
(to the tune of "Superheroes"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


RANMA:
I've fought a lot
You know I've tried
To be the best
I've nearly died
But all I know is that my life ain't slowing...

AKANE:
And martial artists
Come to fight
For each offense
Most every night
And all I know is still the fights are going...

HAPPOSAI:
And crawling in the Tokyo wood
Two children, who have done good
Hand in hand, we knew they would
It's training

RANMA/AKANE:
Training


     Fortunately for them, it was still early in the morning as they
staggered into town, and almost no one saw them in their exotic dress.
Ranma was still in feminine form; he would have died of embarrassment
to be seen in public as a man wearing clothes like this.
     Kasumi was just serving breakfast to Genma, Soun, and Nabiki when
they came in.  Supporting each other, barely able to stand, dressed
like who-knows-what, they were quite a sight.
     "Oh my," said Kasumi, putting a hand to her mouth.  She thought
for a moment.  "I'd better set two more places at the table."
     Nabiki looked them up and down.  "This story I am just dying to
hear," she drawled.  "It's just my luck to be out of film for my
camera when you come home like this."
     Ranma and Akane dropped to the floor, in their accustomed places
at the table.  Still leaning against each other, they looked exhausted
and famished.
     "We didn't get the egg," Ranma said to his father, daring him to
complain.
     "I'm sorry, daddy," Akane apologized.
     "That's quite all right," Soun Tendo assured his daughter.
"We're just glad to see you, err, home safe."
     Genma noticed that Ranma and Akane were still holding hands.  "At
least they didn't come home empty-handed," he said softly to Soun.
     "Soun and Genma's Operation Quality Time Together worked," Soun
whispered back to his friend.
     Nabiki looked at both of the fathers.  "You are going to make
them tell us what happened, aren't you?"


"JUSENKYO GENDER BENDER (REPRISE)"
(to the tune of "Science Fiction/Double Feature (Reprise)"
from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show")


Jusenkyo gender bender
Poor Saotome, sex offender
They all fought for his fiancee
But Ranma went home with his Akane
Whoa Oh Oh Oh Oh
From the Chinese gender bender Jusenkyo
Oh please don't go, oh oh oh
To the Chinese gender bender Jusenkyo


                               THE END