$self->{$DBfieldconv{$_}} = %{$hashref{$_}}; Dear Gh0d, what have I done... * shodan renames Swip.pm to Confusion.pm (You are in a maze of twisty little packages and subroutines, all alike) % * shodan controls the banking industry. . o O (Perhaps I've said too much...) % EAT SPRINGTIME-FRESH(tm) DEATH, EVIL LAUNDRY!! % Hmm, seem to have lost my mouth in there somewhere. % I kind of like the the 'submit' button on altavista. It gives me shivers. % God, I've got perl on the brain. It's like water, only thicker and denser. % "'Advanced Perl Programming' is a welcome mat on the Dark Path(tm)" --Phil Rhinelander % "Don't get me wrong. I'm all for the clubbing of baby harp seals, but..." --Phil Rhinelander % * phil summons a woodchuck. Hmmm.. brings back memories % * AB just got invited to a "house party" from an alt.swingers participant. This was apparently brought about by the fact that I'm the only abuse guy to ever respond to any of his spam complaints. ...basically he's saying "I'm so happy with the fact that you responded to my email that I'd like you to come to my house and have sex with total strangers." * AB notes that this was never mentioned as one of the Official Perks in the Abuse Guy job description. % * AB suffers a brief flash of paranoid insight as he realizes that all these "COPS!" and "Wildest Police Videos!" shows are designed to groom the complacent masses into accepting the yoke of the eventual world- wide police state. * AB goes back to reading "Stormbringer." * shodan peers suspicously at AB. . o O (He knows too much. *sigh*) * shodan picks up a phone and dials a 15-digit number. "It's shodan. Accelerate Plan Jackboot." % phrog: D'you know anything about JavaPerl? As in how they combine the two? Colin: Well. Imagine that Java is a dainty, well-dressed Victorian lady. And Perl is a big, grimy 10th century viking with a hard-on. JavaPerl is like a small room with a bed. % I think NT is the greatest thing since the Amiga. I get a hard on just logging in, and it takes so long to boot I can usually finish before the start bar shows up! % "Nothing gets me all moist and runny quite like the feeling of being at the gynecologist with a pair of cold, metal spreaders lodged in my privates." --AB, contemplating the probable response of the average female to an email advertising medical sex toys % "You must be smarter than ->|<- this stick to ride the Internet" % I wanna be a cult leader when I grow up. That would just kick ass. [Later...] I wonder how you get started as a cult leader. I mean, is there a trade school? Messiah Learning Center, Inc? % So is Chad completely gone now? No. There's still a slight stain. % * sitz enters the octopus % My Perl Sense(tm) is tingling... Somewhere out there, there's an uninitialized variable being used in a system call! To the Perl- Mobile! % Oh my god. That thing's enormous. % * shodan eyes TMP's index.cgi::displayTaskTable() warily * shodan eyes Interface.pm * shodan makes "go together" motions with his hands, to no avail. % Sigh, gotta love how some newagers will grab the leg of whatever preliminary research is out there and hump it until they spurt fad diets and other cosmic debris all over your fresh, clean slacks. --Popess Lilith von Fraumench % * phrog 's head explodes kick ass I mean that in a good way % My sheep stopped bouncing! % * AB blinks at a fax he just received "The Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section of the Department of Justice invites you to a gala holiday party!" That just seems wrong somehow. % * AB grimaces at an email from his m0m where she repeatedly uses "there" for "their". . o O (my flanking technique is working) % * sitz meets the Electric Tongue % maybe dogs'll fly outta my butt and whistle "Bohemian Rhapsody" % * siva readies the dns-fascist-bitchslap-of-doom % * shodan suddenly finds himself in his own rectum. % AB: I sent you a nastygram a bit ago One of your dialup lusers forged a mailbomb from rickeymartin.com. We'll take the brillo pads and the table salt to him. Umm. Sony are asking for maybe the anally inserted cattle prod. We can do that too. We're flexible. That's what I like about you guys. No reaming is too great or too small for Abuse Central % Just found out that the reason they didn't upgrade this ISDN line here to voice+data is because "we're out of trunks". Uh oh. Nothing worse than half-naked telco employees % I name each of my fuckstains. % I'm a secret dork. % What the fucking fuck? * toadkillr hands shrew a thesaurus % . o O (This completes the meri bathing update.) % * UsagiJer gets beat about the head and neck by a large pair of breasts % * sitzkrieg neatly sidesteps a fecal conversation. % * shodan gets completely mis-delivered, non-spam mail . o O (Excellent.) * AB initiates Phase II . o O ( Phase II: The Next Phase ) . o O ( Rated R ) . o O (Phase III: I Know What You Did During The Preceeding Phase) . o O ( Coming soon to a project timeline near you ) % Only in the rec.roller-coaster newsgroup can you see subject lines like "Is Six Flags Magic Mountain getting a big woodie next year?" % so... shodan age/sex/location..... 23/M/RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!1! % AB: when do the evil KISS robots show up? Soon as Anthony Zerbe shows up. * AB deftly lobs Nyarla's obscure reference back at her. % Weird. I enter "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" into google and page number one is "Hello. This is a guide on installing Linux Debian on a Toshiba 4000CDT. There are two mistakes..." % What the hell kind of ride is that? "OH, OH, I want to go on the Vaginal Ripper, PLEASE, I just HAVE to go on the Vaginal Ripper!" % It's like a six foot long industrial vibrator with a gasoline engine. % Anyone got a spare white virgin goat born at midnight on a night of full moon? Or are there other ways I can get an Sun E4000 with Ultra SCSI 2 cards to see high luns (>7)? % You'd think with all the ex-cons in this company we'd have at least one car thief... % You're just jealous because I said "graepnel." % Well, I think I can lend some authority, having attended [Hampton College], the veritable source of Jaguar-driving proletariat. [Later...] Nothing like a little activism to scam on chicks. % I'm much better at long winded ranting without consistency or focus % Hmmm. Men with hardhats are lining up outside my house. If they start singing "Y.M.C.A.," I'm getting my gun. % do you mind if I fetish-hop? % * Murple goes insane reading zone files * Murple tries to figure out how long he's been awake * Murple manually goes thru every zone file for 2 class b's line by line 208.58.1.2.208.rcn.net.com.244.0.32.net.kill.208.59.slay. 3.0.1.postal.207.172.25.die... * Murple highly advises all coworkers to avoid frogpit at all costs % Sorry. It wasn't an actual vibrator. % * andrewh wonders if putting the image of a cross on your webpage will keep away the vampires that browse to it % I obviously need a new octopus. % $ABUSE Microsoft with $VAGUELY_PHALLIC_OBJECT and $CORROSIVE_SUBSTANCE % * sitzkrieg hands AB a cane. Here ya go, old man. * AB grabs the syn lube and applies it to the cane * AB chases after sitz ! . o O ( this may have been strategically inadvisable. ) % New Soylent Clear(tm)! Because People Are Bad For You(tm)! % NOBODY HAS ANY PROOF OF ME WANKING IN MY OFFICE % * Synergist ponders how eels have sex % It's for my upcoming pr0n movie: "Fat Guys with Little Dicks" % didnt you ever wanna know what happened to the Mutant Babies(tm) when they grew up? I remind you that I lived in Louisiana % * scottm tests to see if his machine will explode again. *** scottm has quit IRC (Ping timeout) % Cats, sex, and Nazis. That's why they call me Mr. Happy. % Let Jake lick it! % however, pissy nuns? we're all hooked up. % great, god spam, just what I need. how the hell did god get your email address? God is Omniscient. Duh. god may be, but his minions Caleb & Etta Joyfull from freegifts@gohip.com are going to pay % . o O ("It's you and your team against the evil forces of the Dingleberries!") % * ducky argues with the TNT YOUR MOTHER WAS A SLIP CONNECTION YOU ANALOG WANNABE! % Man, my ass is gonna HATE me in the morning. % You want half my boobs? % * ducky -> spg.va -> bank -> 3rd world country without extradition laws. % * wilhelm feels himself become a homosexual because of internet exposure to scromp. % According to the height/weight chart of the doctor's wall, I should be 6'2. According to the same chart, I should be 12'7" % AMD has officially announced the 760 DDR chipset supports 266 MHz FSB Athlons MAN WAS NOT MEANT TO COMPUTE AT SUCH SPEED! THE MADMEN! THEY WILL DOOM US ALL! % * ducky prepares to waid through the filesystems ducky How can you misspell "wade"? easilt % Congress Adds 'All Your Base Are Belong To Us' Amendment To Bankruptcy Bill WASHINGTON, DC-- Seeking to increase fiscal accountability among citizens who have no chance to survive make their time, the House of Representatives added an "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" amendment Monday to H.R. 333, the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2001. "What you say!!!" shouted the bill's sponsor, Rep. George Gekas (R-PA), following the amendment's approval. "This bill will not only make debt-ridden Americans more accountable, but it has the added benefit of taking off every 'zig' for great justice." Opponents of the amendment protested that it would potentially set up U.S. the bomb. --The Onion, 3/21/01 % "You can't rush the kind of cool *we* are." --Erekosė, Evil Abuse Minion #5 % Where were you on the night of Feburary 30th? * AB activates the single lightbulb hanging down over kregars' head * AB grfs as he discovers that his evil henchmen misinterpreted his instructions and have placed a single, fuschia-colored, 40-watt bulb in the socket. * AB continues on gamely and attempts to grill his suspect by inflicting pastel on him. TELL ME! Or I'll replace this bulb with something in a mauve or teal! rofl % * shodan peers at the "Weather for active lives" banner * shodan needs "Weather for inactive lives" . o O ( This week's forecast of shodan's apartment: Mon: 71F Tue: 71F Wed: 71F Thurs: 71F Fri: 71F ) % Years ago, on a late-night talk show, [William] Shatner told a story about taking his kids trick-or-treating. Naturally, he dressed in costume, donning not one but *two* Kirk masks. "They'd open the door, and there I was," Shatner said. "I'd take off the first mask, and it was Captain Kirk! And I'd take off the second mask -- and it was Captain Kirk!" Somewhere within this joke lies the meaning of Shatner. --Washington Post, 4/9/2001 % [William Shatner] is the man, after all, who built a career treating sentences like Slinkys, or wrapping them around sticks of linguistic dynamite. He blasts through punctuation that would stop mere mortals. --Washington Post, 4/9/2001 % *** vision (krizzo@ken.rizzo.k.subnet.rcn.com) has joined #commies speak of the devil for the last time... I am NOT the devil % If you have trouble getting laid, you have no business looking down on someone based on their choice of operating system. % AB: Virtual particles are particles that spring into existence from nothingness, in direct violation of the law of conservation of mass/energy. But they exist for such a brief period of time that, essentially, they disappear before the Universe notices. Erekosė: I find that somewhat comforting, really. I like knowing that I live in a forgiving and slightly confused Universe. % "On the one hand, it's just another way to jerk off. But then again, it's some guy's dick in your mouth." --Veteran porn star Ron "Hedgehog" Jeremy, on his ability to fellate himself % nice. The AMD Spitfire will debut at the end of the month. Thunderbird will debut next month. Thunderbird Red? Or Thunderbird Black? ? ... . o O (Note to self: Take next opportunity to educate arcas about cheap U.S. wine.) heh * AB hands arcas a bottle of Thunderbird Red. * AB hands arcas a bottle of Thunderbird Black. * AB hands arcas a bottle of Night Train Express. (Serve very cold) * AB hands arcas a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 * pir hands arcas a bottle of paint thinner - it tastes better Better for you, too, no doubt. % * shmit hands badmonkey another beer beer #1 is coming in 2 hours Don't leave a tip % "One of your members has posted a major spoiler-filled message to the alt.tv.star-trek.voyager newsgroup. It has seriously ruined the enjoyment of the show for many of us who don't want to know details about upcoming episodes. Please remove this message from the news servers (if possible) or, if that is not possible, carry out the fullest amount of discipline against this person that you can. He is making it impossible for us to enjoy the show." --Actual complaint received by abuse@rcn.com, 4/12/2000 % "McViking, with bacon" now at McDonalds * susan pukes in the teapot ... McViking? Whazzat? I saw a McD commercial. It's their new "theme burger". Another Good Reason Not To Live In Europe susan: Yes yes, but what's ON the McViking? AB: I don't know! It's got bacon on it, that's all I know! * AB attempts to figure out where the "Viking<->Bacon" connection resides. AB: It's not the bacon. It's the Leif lettuce. % 666: OK, I've seen you rag on C++, Perl, Python (IIRC), and now Java. Is there any language you *do* actually *like*? C? you mean you havn't seen his tcl rant ? Smalltalk. 666: Lisp? Slarti: If 666 actually liked something, he wouldn't be 666. =) Forth is good, for its appropriate area of applicability. AB is just bitter. AB: haha AB isn't the one constantly bitching about stuff in this channel. =) % You can't get good minions these days. AB has them all. % Nederlanders ? Yep, All of them. Clog-wearing, tulip-sniffing perverts. All of them. And they're all anxious to put random bodyparts into the dykes. % I need to look up the concealed weapons laws in Mass, to see if a double-ended dildo can be concealed legally. Imagine trying to mug someone and having your victim whip that out and beat you unconscious with it. . o O ( Yeah, just look for the guy with the dick-shaped welts about the face and neck. He's the mugger. ) % and you want to capitalize the first letter of every work? er, eword? CRAPO FUCKNIG HANDS * siva strangles himself % "Dr. Alex Comfort, author of 'The Joy of Sex' has died, after a series of strokes. --The Times, 3/28/00 % * Helios gets russian spam (in both koi8 and ascii) to elias@i.am I find the name "KOI-8" tremendously funny. It sounds like a killer cyborg carp. "Don't worry, Doctor Evil, the fishpond that Austin Powers is standing in is stocked with KOI-8... even now they are mouthing viciously at his legs!" % I've been here less than an hour and I'm already feeling like pummelling someone. You say that as though it were a bad thing. Well, that's usually something that doesn't kick in until later in the week. First thing monday morning is unusual. And I have no real reason either. I just feel like hitting something. ... * AB hires scottm Heh. * AB channels scottm's destructive impulses into an Awesome Force for Good(tm) % (AB deserves to get paid more than me; I just deal with machines, he deals with lusers) fnord: I deal with suits, too. * AB selects "Speaker to Morons" as his Kzinti name. % Frisbee Rules: Rule #1: At any Frisbee competition, there will always be at least one person who will come up to you an inform you that a Frisbee would make a really cool weapon if you could somehow line the edge with razor blades. Rule #2: The attractive force between a Frisbee and the precise geometrical center of the underside of an automobile is the strongest known force in the universe. This force is termed 'Car Suck.' % Motherfuckin' triple-${DIETY}-damned cum-guzzling gutter- swine! Bugger our Web-design conslutants with a diamond-blade-coated replica of the Eiffel Tower slathered with mustard and vinegar! * AB hands Slarti a Thanks. % * AB gets a spam which consists of a grovelling and abject apology. Essentially, "One of our employees spammed. We've killed him and sold his body to hog farmers. Please, dear god, believe us when we say that we had nothing to do with it." "However, we have one small favor to ask. We realize that we are bugs beneath your...NO! LESS THAN BUGS! WE ARE AS MICROBES CRAWLING ON THE HINDQUARTERS OF MAGGOTS! But we nevertheless beseech you to help us clear the errant email addresses out of our database. We used an automated process, and darned if we know which of these addresses are supposed to be here and which aren't." "So if you could kindly send us an email asking to be removed, we'll remove you. Oh, and you might wanna visit our website while you're at it to see what it is we do." * AB suspects a trap, frankly % susan: what is the swedish word for "bassoon"? % "Do you like low pitched instruments? Is the upper end of the bass clef just a bit *too high* for your taste? Are you fascinated by musical instruments that register on seismographs? READ ON!" --www.contrabass.com % * scromp is late * AB recommends a good OB-GYN doctor % * Nicolai invokes AB [several hours pass] INVOKE_ACK it took my invocation this long to happen ? Sorry. Been travelling the planes. Invocation reception tends to break up on the Astral. % 666 stated he had helped someone on the phone who had never used an internet link or email before, and required explanation of the @ sign before knowing what it was the person is from louisiana * Nicolai does find it hard to believe someone has not heard of the @ sign and doesn't know what it is, either from accountancy and commerce, or The Web. If I recall, 666 is in Houston, which means that this individual was most likely in Southwest Louisiana. In which case, I'm surprised they knew how to operate a phone. % * madwolf chuckles at some train delay excuses. "This train is delayed as the guard has been taken away by the police. We hope to find you another one in half an hour." ha haha *** madwolf is now known as | <|> We wish to apologise most sincerely to the passengers who have <|> recently arrived on the Royal Highlander from Inverness. Your <|> train was delayed for several hours due to a locomotive failure <|> near Drumochter. Then the overhead wires came down near Wigan, <|> so your train was diverted via Manchester. A passenger was taken <|> ill, causing the train to have to wait for an ambulance to arrive <|> at Stockport. Finally, you were diverted via Northmpton, due to <|> signalling equipment failure south of Rugby! *** | is now known as madwolf good old Brutish Snail % Bah! Luser salesweasel! Warning! Tautology detected! No information contained in word "luser" that is not already contained in word "salesweasel"! % "All LARPers should be lined up on a beach and machine-gunned into a receding tide." --Some guy on the Deadlands Mailing List % AUGH ! Lucy pull the football away again at the last second? % IDGI. We can't use $OTHERBRANCH for our offsite backups, because they don't have a disaster recovery plan. If they have a disaster and lose our backups, why would we care if *their* stuff was backed up offsite or not? % I don't care if it can reproduce sound well enough for dolphins to talk to each other through it, if you can't grep it it's evil. % [scromp gives his opinion of AB] you're like a weird internet cross between mother theresa, dj jazzy jeff, and joe friday. % let it be known that I hereby hate all you fbsd zealots. I'm to the point that installing Linux on a box feels like a compromise. % http://www.suntimes.com/ebert/ebert_reviews/1999/05/052104.html The first two paragaphs, particularly. omg, that movie * siva nearly clawed his own eyes out wouldn't just walking out of the theater be easier? % "Chicken Soup for Dummies -- Inane homiles for the rest of us." % "That virus could have been written as an executable or on any platform or in a nonscripting language. Just because this virus was written in a scripting language, and we happen to support scripting in our operating system, doesn't make it a security issue." --Microsoft, commenting on the "I Love You" virus % A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? --Tom Galloway (allegedly) % Argh. That *sucked* Don't do that, then. % so like, i noticed that r0x0r.com was available on the 5th. Went to register it on the 6th and somebody else had already taken it. * zork sobs. i wanted to have b00bs.r0x0r.com % ATI has announced that they are unable to create Win2K drivers for their Rage Fury Maxx video cards ... "ATI sincerely apologizes for promising a driver to you and then being unable to complete it. This was an unforeseen technical issue..." "We're just morons and can't seem to figure it out." AB: that about sums it up. "All of our development time goes into producing new products to stay ahead of the 10-day obsolescence curve of video cards. Consequently, we are unable to devote any time or effort into actually supporting these products." % gawd. gordon matzigkeit is a madman. Whodat? he is fourth on the list of top free software contributors, right under: FSF, Sun, and Berkeley. http://orbiten.org/ofss/codd- render.cgi?action=author&key=5195 <-- lists all the projects he has worked on I had never heard of him either but I seem to use a dickload of his code Would that be a metric dickload or an Imperial dickload? I'll take one of each. % *** AB changes topic to ' NOBODY HAS ANY PROOF OF ME WANKING IN MY OFFICE' where did that come from? siva, natch. and is siva under suspicion of having been wanking in his office? :> Just savor the out-of-context-ness. % I'm obviously not doing enough hard drugs % * Pixel hands madwolf some CCCB the chocolate is a bit soft, but the coffee bean is hard. *crunch* ... . o O (* madwolf sits on a bench along a busy London street) . o O (* Pixel walks up and sits down next to him) . o O ( the chocolate is a bit soft, but the coffee bean is hard.) . o O ( The moon rises twice over Copenhagen) . o O ( Matchsticks have red heads) . o O (* madwolf surreptitiously slides a valise over to Pixel, then gets up and walks off) CC|N>K % This one was so rich, I just had to share. >> ----- Transcript of session follows ----- >> ... while talking to edison.ebicom.net.: >> >>> MAIL From: >> <<< 550 Mail from 216.131.4.12 refused - open relay. CONSULT >> YOUR MAILSERVER ADMIN. See http://www.orbs.org/ >> 554 ... Service unavailable 216.131.4.12, interestingly enough, is not rootsweb.com. It is NS1.EBICom.Net. In other words, their primary MX blocks all mail from their secondary MX. % if there are plushies there I'm leaving. Cerulean. wopr, cerulean plushies? Cerulean. wopr, cerulean plushies? Cerulean. . o O (This could go on for days.) [Ed. Note: wopr is a Markov bot.] % JESUS! I have a .uk petrol receipt with 'Have a good day - Y'all come back soon!' printed on it * Cheesy strangles Esso in Manchester % * sitzkrieg watches /bin/sh dump core. . o O ( that just *can't* be good ) % * zork writes a script to tell him how much his stock is worth. how are you getting around the 'division by zero' errors? % *** Now talking in #commies *** Topic is ' then, you can install mysql in your underwear.' *** Set by sitzkrieg on Wed Apr 05 18:21:43 ... * AB wonders why someone would want mysql in their underwear % Subject: Re: Girl Talk about Penii ! A thread that has spawned all *kinds* of oversharing, I assure you. % are you getting bogged down anywhere in particular, or you just looking for a crob sheet? :) a crib sheer, rather./ ! * sitzkrieg unties his fingers. % Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. % Windoze turning back into the virus it is? :) it stopped being such at some point? Well, it has it's intermittent periods of 'stability' when it goes into 'stealth mode' that's just when its saving up for something really horrid :) % mmmm. pizza fax me a slice haha . o O ( hey, this tastes like paper and toner! ptui! ) % whomever thought that the block-like, very WIRED like font for 'get wired' on the INTRANET should be given a new collection of fonts. and a boot to the head. er. thot that it was a good idea. <-- not capable of stringing ideas together to form cogent sentences yet. % "At the Movies: Jennifer Love Hewitt as Audrey Hepburn in I KNOW WHAT YOU ATE FOR BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S" --Some random website, somewhere on the Net % * Prowler discovers why his cron backup wasn't running broken tab entry? I'm a tard mostly. thats a given % * KaptnJack is scared to leave his office as everytime he's done it he's been kidnapped by HHC type people. must kill mooney and mcormick yup . o O ( Our mail is not getting through! That's cause your internal mail server is down Fix it! That's what your LAN staff is for!) % * Bastardo imagines he can fly naked into the sunlit sky and dive and roll through puffy clouds... ! tell ya what, how about maybe a loincloth. ITS MY FANTASY BITCH!! YOU GET PAID! I GOT CASH!!! * Bastardo suddenly realizes where he is uh .... nevermind that.. * caz backs up. * Bastardo strokes caz lovingly BAD TOUCH sorry i was in nam... % * Bastardo is not misunderstood he's just st00pid % eat the vegitarians, they taste good nah. we're too stringy. 'sides, you don't know where I've been. % i tell you... if cows had opposable thumbs we'd be in trouble then again with the amount of methane cows spew out if you added an opposable thumb, you'd have Synergist % Words Which Do Not Inspire Confidence When Uttered By Your Doctor: "I have no idea what that is." "uh oh" "now where'd i put that sponge" "If this is my thermometer, where'd I put my pen?" % thinking up witty quips while tearing people asunder just isnt my style... % . o O ( something about nipple clamps and a traffic cone? ) you guys know how to party. % *** sitzkrieg is now known as | <|> Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 23:37:14 -0400 <|> From: renewals@erols.com <|> To: webmaster@erols.com <|> Subject: Expiration Notice <|> <|> Userid: webmaster <|> <|> EROLS WEBMASTER <|> 7921 Woodruff Ct <|> Springfield, VA 22151 <|> <|> ACT NOW - RENEW YOUR STARPOWER ACCOUNT TODAY !!! *** | is now known as sitzkrieg <-- DYING % * jzp has had quite bizarre net.friendships over the years, what with periodically renouncing them all as conspiracy AI proggies. % <\> heh <\> hey i like this nick it likes you too, \ <\> lol i keep trying to figure out what you're escaping. Certain death? % * AB recommends the butter chicken. * shodan reads butter as bitter . o O ( Fine, EAT ME! ) % . o O ( I felt the presence of Shodan ) . o O (Ew.) . o O ( s/(felt|presence)/"$1"/g ) % * Nyarla blinks at the backscroll and shakes her head heh (and they think *I'm* strange...) we've got a pretty good idea about it, actually. * Nyarla glares at sitz % Gah * AB is kl33ning out his hard drive . o O ( With a Q-Tip and rubbing alcohol. ) % * sitzkrieg is 404'ing all over the place. * AB hands sitz a towel and some wetnaps. % * AB !s as he runs across some gay pr0n that his wife apparently downloaded to his computer at some unspecified point in the past. Oh sure. Blame it on the wife. * AB expected that =) Fairly predictable. * AB knew he couldn't type out "I naturally expect cries of 'Sure. Uh-huh.'" before someone actually typed out 'Sure. Uh-huh.' % What's the last name of the guy who wrote sendmail? Eric...? * AB draws a blank Cartman. % know of any good abuse people who want to move to LA? ! * AB throws a tarp over his Minions. "Why...no! Darn the luck!" % You know, I find it amusing that Eric Allman and Co. are producing a product named "Sendmail Switch" % * AB is SO glad he groks the basics of the Windows Registry. . o O (Pray for me.) % KILL! DEATH! ! Okay! * shodan kills sitz hrm. * sitzkrieg should have been a *touch* more specific. % My pants, my god, where are my pants?!?!?! % [snip discussion of yellow hanky in the back pocket] justin: search on "hanky code" sitz: No thanks, I am happy in my ignorance. * sitzkrieg grabs the phirehose of knowledge and takes careful aim at justin. % I have been better about avoiding legal confrontations lately Its just harder to stand out as a freak in california than it is in virginia % I think when straight gin tastes like water its time to stop % * AB wants to see Dick Vitale announce a golf game. . o O ("BIRDIE PUTT! AWESOME, BABY!") * AB notes that, of course, the previous joke fails somewhat if you don't know who Dick Vitale is. % * Nyarla hands shodan a Herodotus instead What's that, some kind of plant? It's a POISONOUS SNAKE!!!! LOOK OUT!!!! ! * shodan runs away * AB succeeds in amusing himself % so the DDS2 tape drive that i found in the dumpster at work last night appears to function Of course it does. How else could They(tm) monitor your computer activities? % . o O ( I AM THE GREAT GOTHHOLIO! GIVE ME CLOVES FOR MY BUNGHOLE! ) % heated seats rule in the winter and they're fun to turn on with unsuspecting pasengers who get uncomfortable and wonder why their butt is warm. % and did you notify a supervisor and larry? amil went otu to RCCN NOC didnt know i had to tell larry umm a mail went out to RCN NOC . o O (IÄ! AMIL OTU RCCN NOC CTHULHU FHTAGN! IÄ!) * scottly laughs at AB % * scottly remembers the it lan d00d last week it lan d00d poured a pixy stick in a cup and was dipping a blow pop into the extra sugar holy shit. yipe! that's, um, excessive just a bit almost as funny as curly trying to shotgun a pixy stix still, not as funny as shrew getting duct-taped to his chair.. =) % * AB drinks one of those "Guiness Pub Draught" beers, with the nitrogen cannister in the bottom of the can. * AB wonders what Budweiser would taste like with one of those... . o O (Like shit, still, I should think.) % * AB casts EAM#1 out for her rank heresy. * Nyarla is already an outcast ;) * AB casts EAM#1 out so far she finds herself back in again, mingling with soccermoms in suburbia. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! * Nyarla slits her wrists % moyet: My back hurts. AB: That's 'cause you have huge tits. % * moyet wants to show off her breasts to nanae. % . o O ( Pardon me. Let me just remove my breast from your beer. ) nono, leave the breast in % * Nyarla wonders if it's a Poor Career Move (tm) to hit on a cute FBI chix0r % [snip discussion of the various federal agencies Abuse Central deals with on a daily basis] * Nyarla is suddenly boggled to realize how many spooks she's on a first-name basis with % "A bottle of Jim Beam, this baby, and a cron job, and I'm set for the night!" --Unknown admin at Hawaii Online, after getting his first vibrating pager % * AB plots to have Elian Gonzalez shot and killed just to get him off the news. % "Two more days of Elian Gonzalez and I'M moving to Cuba." --Dennis Miller % is shave ice similar to jersey shore "frozen ice" ? (what a dumb name that is...) "Jer, want a frozen ice?" "is there another kind?" % * AB hands jer a big cup of Ice 9 * UsagiJer spills it down the sink oop.. that won't cause a mess in the water treatment system, will it? ! % * Nyarla ponders pouring some chartreuse into her mitsuya cider . o 0(nyarla's gonna pour a color into her cider... and drink it presumably... hrm..) naked: the color was named for the drink. sure it was http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?db=*&term= chartreuse chartreuse adj : having the yellowish green color of Chartreuse liqueur (named for the monks who produce it, etc. much beloved by pretentious goffs.) it's a TRAP! i don't believe you in the 3.498729 seconds it took me to respond to nyarla, you called someone and had them change that dictionary page you're conspiring against me it's a LIE! * meri nods. we hacked dictionary.com heh and all the other dictionary and encyclopedia sites. you don't need to hack it if you know the owners you all are connected you've stumbled upon the world-wide chartreuse conspiracy. % convo seems to have died off * u-steve holds convo in arms and cries "WHY?!?! GHOD, OH WHY?!?!" % (my last exposure to Richard Marx was circa, um, evil earworm alert, that "hold on to the night" song that was big in the late 80's... * Nyarla casts about for a replacement earworm * meri hands Nyarla some Air Supply. * meri . o O { I'm all out of love / I'm so lost without you .... } * Nyarla runs away screaming % i have a zippo. * Nyarla has one too... i almost typed " i have a hippo" which is a far different thing. % www.dokimos.org/ajff * meri shoots naked. * Nyarla props naked up and shoots him again oh good. it's best to be sure with these things. % Oh shit this is sunday surprise? yea, I thought it was monday no wonder traffic was so light % This is going to take about an hour fscking? yea I have it set to fsck every time it boots and it takes a LONG ASS FUCKING time to fsck that box lotta drive space to fsck.. heh "Box, I'm gonna _fsck_ ya. AN' I'm gonna fsck ya _sloooooow......_" * kurt offers a fresh, new, virginal hard drive to Leviathan for his fscking pleasure. % It's friday the 13th a friend's black cat chose today to escape he'll be busy today % (and outside of academe, non-medical folks insisting on being called "Dr." really annoys the fuck out of me...) What about professional wrestlers? % my cat's breath smells like cat food Nyarla: you prefer your cat's breath smelled like human flesh? kurt: Don't ask. * Nyarla koffs kurt: The less you know, the better. % (imdb sez about soylent green: if you like this title we also recommend "L.A. Confidential" ! ) ... ... Erm. Yeah. Those are very similar movies. (they both involve celluloid and light) . o O (If you liked "Soylent Green," we also recommend: "Toy Story II") . o O ( If you liked "Soylent Green", we also recommend: "Soylent Green" ) . o O ( If you liked "The Pokemon Movie", we recommend "Soylent Green" so you'll know what you're worth to us. Yummy. ) . o O (If you liked "Soylent Green," we also recommend $RANDOM_MOVIE) . o O ( If you liked "Citizen Kane", we recommend "The Velvet Goldmine" ) % ("let's give it to Jake. He'll eat anything!") . o O (Of course he will. He's a dog.) % * Nyarla sighs and prepares to get back to work --> hacksaw --> backyard * meri . o O { finally burying the bodies. } . o O (Nah. Digging up the saved ones. She's got guests coming over tonight.) % "We professional movie critics count it a banner week when only one movie involves eating, falling into or being covered by excrement." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "The Adventures of Joe Dirt," 4/13/01 % "The product placement for Krispy Kreme doughnuts [in "Josie and the Pussycats"] is, however, an ominous development, since it may trigger a war with Dunkin' Donuts, currently the most visible product placer in the movies. With Krispy and Dunkin' dukin' it out, there may soon be no doughnut-free movies not actually featuring gladiators." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Josie and the Pussycats," 4/13/01 % "You need to be sober to fly a helicopter. It's not like driving a car." -- Homer Simpson % Is it wrong that I want to pork Natalie Portman? % * Prowler wonders about this recurring lower back pain * AB takes the rabid weasel out of Prowler's shorts % Surf Nazis Must Die. AB: Indeed; in fact, that's Phase XVII of my master plan % * meri watches Harvey Keitel bomb New York and then kill himself. Fairly Harvey Keitel-ish thing to do. does he get nekkid first? % well, now I know what's wrong with the vacuum. You vacuumed up a parakeet? % *** shrew (adam@active.vaporspace.net) has joined #commies yoshrew. * naked pounces on shrew * shrew waves meri * shrew pees on naked * meri . o O { please to not be getting those confused } % my computer is a pentium 120, and I have sucky lines, and dialup, i think it isn't hard to figure out why I come to work, where I have a 500Mhz Alpha and multiples ds3s % memo to self.. just being you arent vibrating doesn't mean you're not caffeinated. % WHOOT! this is already a GOOD day they've invented blowjobs in a can? ! . o O (and we think there's messes around vending machines NOW!) % "@" Doh. s/@/!/ * AB watches shodan ruin his humor attempt failed Humor roll . o O (* shodan 's joke 747 has crash landed onto the uneven terrain of Typography) . o O ( in the event of a water landing... ) % * Nyarla looks for an inhaler and discovers entire archaeological strata of forgotten stuph in her backpack % * AB pokes Nyarla [several minutes pass] AB: poke ack Nyarla: Nevermind. Found out the info I needed from jer. * Nyarla nods Thanks anyways, though. (sorry, had to go to the Little Elder Gods' Room...) % $ph00d = new Breakfast::Omlette(-type=>'cheese'); $ph00d = new Breakfast::Omlette(-type=>['pepper','onions', 'mushrooms','cheese']); . o O ( Mmmm, jer defines a tastier omlette ) % I showed Chuck the vibrating panda. He shuddered. meri: Are you sure it wasn't him suppressing a quiver of delight? AB: No. But I'm sticking to shuddered. Safer that way. :) .oO( Oh, hey, you can still reach the string while he's in there ) * meri shoots jer. % . o O ( The things I have to do... ) . o O ( ...to get anything out of AB. ) . o O ( You're not squeezing in the right place.) % wierd not much email today people die or something? % The MAN has brought me down once again. % SHODAN! yipe! GIVE UP THE FUNK! * shodan runs away I don't have yer stinkin' funk, lemme alone! * shodan hides under his couch Will this require me to get down and/or get funky with my bad self? YES! Right, then $shodan->get([qw(down funky)]); % SITZKRIEG! !! GIVE UP THE FUNK! * sitzkrieg sighs, and hands over the funk. % Heh. moyet just got one of those "Um. There are a bunch of pr0n URLs in my Netscape/Internet Explorer history file/dropdown box, and... uh...I dunno how they got there, of course. But I'd like to...uh... get rid of them." emails. % Anyone know where pir is? With the Gerbils... in the FUN ROOM % april 17th is bringyour child to work day * AB takes April 17th off same here * Nyarla twitches and flees * AB pre-emptively grants EAM#1 the day off * Nyarla sighs with relief . o O (no need to bring the Kalashnikov in to work this year...) % uhhh, anyone know the frogpit printers IP? murple: Yeah, hang on a sec . o O (* shodan inadvertently gives Murple the wrong IP address) . o O (* Murple prints out the online copy of "High Times") . o O (* FBI_Dood blinks as pot-related material begins spewing from his printer) % "Syntax error at 1: Unknown command 'fuck this shit'" % * outb0rk DDoS's AB. * AB drops 12 volts across outb0rk's Prince Albert % If Nyarla were to drop by the NOC with a set of IP addresses, could you guys turn down the route? Routing seems to have taken a powder for the day. AB: I can. But am uneducated in how to do so cleanly. we don't care if they die ugly... *grin* % * sitzkrieg falls over in hysterics. "Come meet your fellow employees and get an update on RCN!" "At 8am in maryland!" Don't wanna! I don't think I'm physically capable of being awake at that hour. % heh hehe.c . o O ( gcc -ohehe -WALL hehe.c ) :) * sitzkrieg hands outb0rk a -D__RCN_EMPLOYEE__ *lol*\ * outb0rk rewrites MrFreeze's Makefile. . o O ( /*lol*/ ) :P . o O ( #ifdef __RCN_EMPLOYEE__\n\t#include life/hopeless.h \n\t#include work/no_training.h\n#endif ) * sitzkrieg tosses some [<>]'s up there. . o O ( #include soul_owned_by_$company.h ) . o O ( use Life::Hopeless; ) . o O ( no Work::Training; ) . o O ( require masochism.pli ) . o O ( s/pli/pi/ ) . o O ( #ifdef __RCN_EMPLOYEE__\n\t#define ) % *makes vague hand gestures* * AB waits for Nyarla to make more definitive hand gestures. % * AB throws John Tesh into the CD player . o O ( Hey! It's cramped in here! And dark! Lemme out!) % * AB throws John Tesh into the CD player * bleys throws John Tesh into the blender * bleys turns on the power John Tesh is shredded with a few dozen goldfish * bleys drinks the resulting Power Drink(tm) Enjoy a TastyTesh drink for yourself! Now with New and Improved GoldScales(tm)!!! One refreshing sip, and you'll be playing the piano like Tesh, and offers of daytime shows will begin pouring in % . o O (The essence of geekdom: I'm asking moyet a question via IRC. She's 10 feet away from me.) % AB: Sorry to forward you guys the dumbass complaint from Bergman. This guy needs to be slapped, and then beaten with a two-by-four, then smacked. Who does? Bergman. You'll see the complaint bounced to "abuse." I saw it. Not sure who you felt needed smacking. He wants us to cancel an account because a guy was less rude back to him than he was to the guy. We get complaints like that all the time. "Your user posted a racist message to alt.flames.niggers. Please cancel his account." he wanted the guy to be more rude to him? He wanted the guy to take it and not be rude back. As near as I can tell, the UNET user was the ruder of the two. Not that it matters. Our AUP doesn't require our users to be pleasant. % * AB waffles between simply deleting the email, or responding to Bergman with "We don't require our customers to be nice or pleasant, and the Internet is filled with abrasive people." * AB simply deletes the email. In my younger days, I would have written out a response to the guy telling him "Sir, if you don't want to deal with unpleasant people, unhook your computer from the Internet and never leave the house. It's an older, wiser, more jaded AB that looked upon the email today. % Beer is neat. Almost as neat as boobs. % * AB !s as he discovers that his poetic license has been suspended. % * outb0rk resists the temptation to write "*cough*bullshit!*cough*" on a trouble ticket, fold it into a paper airplane and throw it back at the tech who submitted it. % "I'm still a virgin, and I'm getting pretty damned sick and tired of it." --Former child actor Gary Coleman % Erm. So. My wife comes home and mentions, among other things, that she's finally started her period. And then... ...she goes out to the mailbox... * meri hovers near the overshare switch. ...and discovers that some company has mailed her a sample of mini-pads. *LOL* hee . o O (How did they know?!?!?) % *** AB is now known as | <|> OUR SELENA IS DYING <|> Writer: Rod Serling <|> Teleplay: J. Michael Straczynski <|> Director: Bruce Pittman <|> Cast: Terri Garber, Jennifer Dale, Charmion King, R.H. Thomson, Paul Bettis, Patricia Idette, Aileen Taylor Smith, Jackie McLeod, Ann Turnbull, Rob McClure, Tim Keoetting <|> A doctor becomes suspicious when a dying old woman mysteriously becomes youthful, while her young niece simultaneously ages overnight. *** | is now known as AB . o O (Personally, either one alone would make me suspicious) % 7.19443628747: The Inverse Hyperbolic Cosine of the Beast % oh man. there was a car that used to park in front of spg.va whose hatchback was *completely* full of mcdonald's bags. meri, it was mine. :) really? i guarantee it. yup. :) blue hatchback? 86 honda accord, hatchback dude, you musta had like a year's worth of mcdonald's in there. quite disgusting, i know didn't it smell? (i'm really sensitive to smells.) 1.5 years, and it produced a mild smell good god, man. not a nice smell, mind you 1.5 year old mcdonalds grease! * meri shudders. mcdonalds bag piling over onto the passenger seat didn't ever stop *fast* because of fear of being smothered you have a new car, right? =) yea, new car, new rules. can't go above back seats. [Ed. Note: effect also speaks Klingon] % MUST REPLACE CONTROLLER CARD!! * kregars MUST CAFFINE MUST NICOTINE ok! MUST SIGN PACT WITH SATAN! your leaving RCN for RoadRunner?!?!? % oh, you can relax caz, I finally got around to shaving off my hair again :) pir, PHEW! every day i'd go home and mark on my calendar - "PIR HASN'T CUT HIS HAIR YET" and sob uncontrollably + drink JW Black until I passed out; everyone up here will PRAISE YAHWEH! % * piraeus hunts the wiley prowler . o O ( Welcome beck to _Wild NOC_! T'day, we'll be hunting th' elusive Prowlah! Let's listen fer his distinctive mating call! ) * Prowler is shot and killed hahah lol Mmmmm, roast prowler cooked on a hot NAS... yummy! . o O ( lookit tha soft undahbelly! ee's a winnah! ) . o O ( 'ee'll make a right nice set a boots! ) :) * AB phears that show Nobody should like mud that much. * moyet digs that show. crazy man. . o O (lookit these fangs! See how th' poison drips out when I squeeze her just so? What a BEAUTY she is!) "This is a koala.. looks 'armless, eh? But they get reeal pissed when you stick your fist up their bums... Like THIS" % Ya know how to get two bagpipers to play in key? Shoot one! % hmmmm..... anal tongue darts......... % I swear we have to be the only geek office building on the planet that runs out of ginger ale before we run out of Coke or Mountain Dew. % I have someone deep-breathing to classical music on my voicemail. % Ok. My bank balance is *much* closer to what I thought it should be once I realized that I put in "$3245" instead of "$32.45" for a transaction. * meri starts breathing again. Funny how that works. heh our unsung hero, the decimal point % I'm trying to use RPM to install a precompiled Linux bin onto a FBSD host. . o O ( Mommy, am I gonna go to hell? ) Well. Yes. But not for that. % .... they're making sweaters... for penguins... http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/science/DailyNews/ penguins000411.html Well. You gotta figure it gets cold down there. % * meri envisions a (flock? herd? pod?) of foot-tall penguins running around in sweaters, and falls over in a fit of giggles. meri: Passel Passel o' Penguins =) Is it really? That'd be cool. Nah. Damn. % . o O ( *All* the history? Okay! Millions of years ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth...) . o O ( ...A buncha stuff happened, which brings us to present day. ) . o O ( _History of Everything_, by shodan ) % MAKE THE CLOWN NOSE STOP! MAKE THE CLOWN NOSE STOP! * caz hides % Anyone have suggestions for a wireless ethernet vendor ?? "Get stuffed?" % * Syko smaks AB, hows that for abuse.... That'd be the biggest mistake of your life. And the last. =) % cool. I can't place international phone calls from here. not like I'd want to call some place in England that one of our users is getting mailbombed through. the internet goes beyond the USA? % [snip discussion of Murple forgetting about doing his 1999 taxes while still owing Lots(tm) on his 1998 taxes] * Murple makes a note to go get a passport in case i need it soon passport takes 2 weeks and $75 dollars not it doesn't. I got mine in 3 hours. you just need to present the passport office with an itenerary. "I need to be in madagascar in 6 hours. My grandfather has malaria." 12:00 - Flee to country with no extradition treaty % Shit! Is it tax season already? out: Indeed, got your tax hunting permits ready? % sh shodanbap.o Delivering Shodan::Ow event to client outb0rk.666 % i need to come up with like $8K in the next, uhh, 2 days . o O ( "I'd be happy to loan ya the money, but I'll hafta break yer legs in advance." ) % more dvds need chapters named "arrest that whore." % DO NOT ADJUST YOUR WASABI. WE CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL ETC % * Prowler really needs a wife or a girlfriend I need someone who will keep me from fine dining like "Peanutbutter and Chocolate Frosting Sandwiches" % the woman sold a customer a CLASS A a CLASS A hamlet: um. hamlet: um. um. um. hamlet: You seem...tense. hamlet: i'm having problems getting past "um" not tense. i think i could maybe progress to "uh" but, after that, it would just be spluttering. just drives me nuts that someone *did* that. Clearly, she *didn't* sell a class A meri: heh. She may have thought she did. She may have tried to do it. * meri waves her hands and splutters. She may have told someone she did. But. Clearly. She didn't. well, to be exacting, yes. she did not. but she tried. and that's enough. % . o O ( Hm, is gajillion bigger than bazillion? ) % dammit. I haven't thought of maui chips in years, and now I'm jonesing for 'em bad... * Nyarla wants to hit the Liberty House candy counter and go nuts... * AB pictures Nyarla at the Liberty House candy counter going nuts * AB pictures Nyarla talking to the trees, threatening to blow up Richmond, wearing a tinfoil beanie, etc. . o O ( What's she doing?) . o O ( Going nuts, I think.) * Nyarla pulls out a gun and gives the candy lady a stickup note "GIVE ME ALL THE CHOCOLATE-COVERED POTATO CHIPS AND A PLANE TO CUBA!" * Nyarla froths quietly s/PLANE/YACHT/ take elian with you. . o O (Please) . o O (FOR GHOD'S SAKE, MAN!) indeed. no! small child! bad! you can put him in the cargo hold. * Nyarla twitches and rolls around DON'T WANNA! MY PLANE! NO KIDS! Tie him to the keel for all we care. just make him go! oh, well, OK, then. % oh gads. i have to get a dress. who are you, and what have you done to meri? % where's that murpleURL when you need it? RIGHT BEHIND YOU! LOOK OUT! !! * sitzkrieg leaps back, FORK in hand. BACK, FOUL URL! s/FORK/fork()/ !! * sitzkrieg glances to one side, and sees himself, holding a FORK. % oh, and in case anyone was wondering, the Amphora on 123 has some positively lethal cheesecake. . o O ( Excellent ) . o O ( * shodan -> get cheesecake -> eliminate enemies ) % * sitzkrieg spotwelds shodan. * shodan feels a slight.. uh.. * shodan grabs sitz Listen, you! ! * sitzkrieg listens. * shodan suddenly realises he doesn't actually have anything to say * shodan puts sitz down, and dusts him off. Er. So there! Right! BE THAT WAY! Alright, I WILL! % It took us 40 million years to develop thumbs, and it will probably take us another 40 million to get them out of our ass. --Dennis Miller % * Sykotic curses Caldera Open Linux * sitzkrieg hands Sykotic Stampede linux, in an effort in increase the frustration level THREE MORE TRIANGLES. % . o O ( What's that on your stomach? Strech marks?) . o O ( Nah. Claw marks from where I've been fucking meri's cat.) HAHAHA [Ed. Note: Synergist is AB's boss] % Anyone feeling like donating $5000 to a good cause? Your sex change? dude, he would be an *ugly* female. but he's already got the boobs % * sitzkrieg drinks water from the tap. well. it goes inna glass first. % verbing weirds language! % there she blows again phd.pa is falling over sheesh... last day, like I need this It's our way of saying "Don't go!" Odd, I interpret as "Please leave!" :-D Or, rather, "Here's affermation as to why leaving is such a nifty idea!" * bleys notes that his rolodex was not completely mirrored. no numbers for cwix colo services made it into the new rolo hmmmm. last day, minion called in sick, *cough, cough* I'm feeling a bit weary myself... :) * bleys goes home and leaves the NOC empty bleys: I warned you about the rolodex... you did. however, I only have to deal with the NewRolo(tm) today. Ops has to deal with it ad futurium bleys: you forgot the evil laughter I'm not gloating I gave fair warning, and now it's out of my hands bleys: I'll just start calling your house, you will be the offical ops 411 :) lucky for me I'll be at NewJob(tm), and will just delete the wails of anguish from my answering machine when I get home where is $NewJob ? I'll tell you later whisper it in my ear no, thank you. I know where that ear has been % * AB "cleans" his desk and sorts out the resumes "freak" "freak" "freak" "mundane *TOSS*" "freak" I wish. More the other way around. ! * AB has a lotta apps from tech weens who just wanna do something besides tech support. yeah.. I was just gonna ask that.. AB: can't fault 'em for trying. ;) . o O ("i kin speel gud and am an exsellent righter") % * AB notes that the company who makes Altoids is named "Callard and Bowser" * AB pictures the guy from Sha Na Na % * AB spots a spam complaint with the subject "How would you like a larger penis?" * AB pictures humorous follow ups to this lead in . o O ( How would you like a larger penis?) . o O ( Uh...sure!) . o O ( Great! Here!) . o o (* spammer hands n00b a huge severed penis) % * AB discovers that yahoo.movies.com doesn't exist. * AB tries movies.yahoo.com instead. . o O ( * AB discovers that doesn't work either, and tries movies.com.yahoo ) % * piraeus unplugs prowler ! . o O ( oh great, now prowler is gonna need a fsck. and i aint gonna do it ) % * caz queues up the 24 minute Tiny Tim cover of _Rebel Yell_ % * shodan attempts to login to webmail * shodan gets the following helpful error message "in a person bad spot:" . o O ( ..... What? ) % * AB ponders how many long-term IRCisms come from shodan * AB eyes shodan warily ! . o O (* AB ponders how many long-term IRCisms come from AB) * AB has contributed his fair share, to be sure. Lessee... MUST! is a shodanism . o O (Kinda like an organism, only different) * shodan thought that was an ABism Really? I got it from you, I thought. =) huh, weird Mebbe it just snuck into everyone's brane at the same time. :) * AB suspects that the origin of many of the common IRCisms were actually started by shodan, and then driven into the ground by AB heh . o O ( MUST! MUST POUND JOKE INTO GROUND! ) 8^D . o O (* shodan says "MUST!" once) . o O ( !) . o O (* AB beats joke to death) shodan: meme generator AB: meme propogator ! Yo momma! ! % * piraeus tries to figure out why people are calling my home # instead of my cell phone first then again I also question why I get called twice a week about the same issue when I've said repeatedly that I can't fix it pir: You have such a lovable, cuddly personality, people make up reasons to call you. % ! * AB hears the execrable Madonna version of "American Pie" wafting down from upstairs. * AB jams pencils into his ears. % nyarla and I were trying to figure out how much we could make on minion pr0n. * AB feels the Minion/Overlord bonds being strained. % * meri strides into the channel, and lets loose a mighty weeble. * naked licks meri * meri . o O { A-ha! My capsacin perfume is finally gonna foil someone! } % msg mrfreeze still stoned....must get home to bed....catch ya later...out. fuck. % You should get laid. it was awful Getting laid is rarely awful % * sitzkrieg dons his "Hearts" hat, and wanders around mrf shrieking "Off with his head!". (just another day at the office, really) % * AB used to try to confound religious solicitors with logic. "If I wanted to be at your church, I'd be there already." "Do you RILLY think I've just been sitting around saying to myself 'I'll attend the church of whatever religious solicitor shows up next at my door?'" Then I realized... ...logical people don't go door-to-door making religious solicitations. % * shodan gets confirmation that his fridge is operating sub-optimally, as the milk that he put in there a few days ago is now almost solid. solid in the milkcicle sorta way? or the "oh god get that out of my house!" The latter :) % [snip discussion of the game "Thief," and the fact that the main character in the game (a thief) apparently wears hard-soled shoes] . o O ( I had just returned from tap-dancing class, when I heard a tip about a rare treasure being kept in this heavily- guarded castle that I just /had/ to check out immediately ) % doh! . o O ( Not only does breaker 5 turn off my fridge, but it kills my coffeemaker too. grf! ) *** ducky has quit IRC (ducky has no reason) . o O ( And ducky too, apparently ) % Whether or not a peep in RollerCoaster Tycoon will ride a ride is determined by the peep's Preferred Intensity, which can be either "Less than 4," "4 to 11," "Less than 11," or "Less than 15". Each peep also has a Nausea Tolerance. Which is independent of their preferred intensity. So you get peeps with a preferred intensity of 4-11, but with a Nausea Tolerance of "None." And. Well. Rides with intensities between 4-11 usually have Nausea ratings of at least 4. So you'll get peeps that get on a ride, get off, hurl, stagger around, hurl some more... ...and then get right back on the same ride. % * AB is amused by the fact that one of the roller coasters at Kings Dominion is themed after Wayne's World. However... Given that Wayne's World is Old(tm) these days... I suspect some re-theming is imminent. . o O (Maybe they'll theme it around Austin Powers) . o O (* AB turns out to be wrong) . o O (<20 years later, the coaster is still themed after Wayne's World) . o O ( Huh? Wayne? Garth? Who the fuck are they?) % * AB grabs hamlet * hamlet wonders if she should struggle or merely go for the testicles * AB recommends struggling. =) % * phrog prepares -> home * shodan prepares to wave phrog . o O ( $shodan->wave({'target'=>'phrog', 'timeout'=>(30000)}); ) % * hamlet gets her groove on * shodan turns hamlet's groove off * shodan turns hamlet's groove back on hey! * shodan plays with the switch a bunch. "Hey, neat!" % * Nyarla pulls a gerbil-sized wad of cotton out of a bottle of vitamins and wonders for the umpteenth time why they don't just use smaller bottles % just discovered another advantage of new backpack...it repels dog hair ;) ! This could be dangerous in your house. . o O (The Department of Defense gives Nyarla billions of dollars to transform this into a weapon of war.) . o O (Nyarla runs around her house with the backpack in front of her.) . o O (Dog hair streaks away at near lightspeed and kills several passerby) . o O ( Neet!) * sitzkrieg remains convinced that AB was left on the doorstep of Mr and Mrs Burner by aliens. % owie well, don't do that, then but its fun then enjoy the pain okay % * Prowler starts claiming IP space in the name of Niffleheim % * AB b0gs as the printer driver file he's downloading breaks the 1MB barrier. * AB suspects lots of krupht(tm) . o O ( Hi! This is your driver package! And these are my friends I brought with me!) . o O ( Hi!) . o O ( Hi!) . o O ( Hi!) However. I'm not bitter. % * AB ponders mangled grammar, viz: "Other info : I am a pharmaceutical chemist living in San Antonio with my wonderful husband and our first child whom we are eagerly awaiting her arrival." % RCN hired a new dude to do compenstation, he's the one that will be assigning grades and decideing comp to new and existing positions. I was talking to him today about some planned changes in the abuse department. he asked so what do they do ? ! I told him briefly about how they handle abuse issues and handle spam complaints. he's next question was : "What is SPAM?" Grf! * AB grabs Human Resources * AB grabs Clue(tm) * AB makes "go together" motions with his hands to NO AVAIL! % hrm. i guess that explains why that script doesn't work. rint() is not a function, apparently. * meri . o O { but it should be! } % "Not everyone agrees with the survey's findings. 'Getting high is the least of marijuana's uses,' said Matt Henner, President of Hemp For Victory and a total pothead. 'The ancient Egyptians used hemp to build the pyramids. In the 1930s, the WPA used it to construct bridges and dams. Today it is used for medicine and as a non- polluting alternative to gasoline.' Henner then admitted he was 'wasted beyond belief.'" --The Onion, 4/12/00 % *snork* A guy I know was at Safeway yesterday, and had a cart full of Jewish Passover Stuff (tm). And the contents of his cart put him over the limit to win... A ham. % [snip discussion of kosher for everyday use vs. kosher for passover] man i'm glad I'm agnostic. i can wash pork rinds down with IPA 365 days a year. % yipe * shodan accidently highlights all of irc * shodan eyes his 'copy' button warily (So close to the 'paste' button too) % gah. * sitzkrieg runs dosemu. "All of the frustrations of DOS....in an xterm!" % What's vinegar made from? vines and gar % most of the disparaging terms for my ethnic group are professional sports teams *snort* . o O (i.e. the San Francisco Goths) % I grow weary of all this "man talk" % vi vs. emacs... JIHAD! EMACS wins it can emulate VI I thought normal human beings were Not Allowed (tm) 'round here? don't even try to step up just step off and keep moving... step off, smurfboy * shodan steps up . o O ( Help! I can't get back down! ) % * Nyarla envisions a shodan-workout involving multiple reps of lifting a coffeecup to the mouth That's the advanced course speaking which * shodan -> recoffee % ,,,. [r-m Feh. "mmm, pr0n" * shodan stays still and moves the universe around slightly to realign his keyboard . o O (whoa!!!) . o O ( It's a trick I learned a while ago; I'm a hit at parties ) % and I'm talking riordan style stoned * jzp has no ref point for "riordan style stoned". is that SERIOUSLY baked, or happy-light-continuous-buzzzz? i think it's "what planet is this again" stoned. when you look in the mirror and go "do I know you?" % * piraeus becomes amused by customers complaining they can't reach spankstories.com *snork* % * meri flexes her mighty panda and attempts to bend apache to her will. % * Nyarla ponders an RCN dating service and shudders don't even joke like that. "LONELY GEEKS ARE WAITING TO TALK TO YOU! CALL NOW!" % . o O (YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE LIZARD!) % Mmm... Chicken chili inna bread bowl mmm * AB DCCs some to shodan yay! * shodan DCCs shrew to AB ! "Thanks! Here!" :) * AB DCCs shrew to the Chinese Embassy in Latvia ! * shrew eyes AB and shodan warily % * KaptnJack --> bar . o O (Jack's gonna be a lawyer?!?) % * meri starts adding X-Pepito-Sez: headers to all her mail. . o O ( X-Pepito: yes ) . o O ( X-Pepito-sez: I'm not wearing any pants! ) . o O ( X-No-No-Archive: Ye.. er, no.. er.. uh.. Gah! ) % * leaf adds 'check nocweb against accessability guidelines' to her list of things to do * leaf adds 'learn how to spell access[a|i]bility' to her list... . o O ( 'check nocweb against accessab.. accessib.. acseccib.. make sure everyone can see it.' ) % this isreally fscking frustrating. What? Your inability to type? that as well. and having to put up with a smartass abuse d00d. :P % * AB finds a file on his computer named "susceptible.doc" * AB opens the file. * AB finds the single word "susceptible" in the file * AB eyes the Universe warily % it's possible there's another directory section overriding.... try using "Options +ExecCGI" * sitzkrieg dons his JooJanta 900 Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses, and ventures forth. % *** Flock has quit IRC ([BX] The Power Rangers use BitchX. Shouldn't you?) The Power Rangers do NOT use BitchX % somebody tell curly i'm a nice person Yo curly! ... hamlet: he doesn't think you're nice? i'll kick his little raver butt. Rather than telling curly that you're a nice person, let me explain to you why you shouldn't care what curly thinks of you... =) * meri laughs at AB. haha, word up % (us geekgrrrls have to stick together, or something) * meri plasters herself to nyarla, hamlet, leaf, and moyet * hamlet feels the femmelove * Nyarla wonders whose hand that is... * AB hears the sound of expanding male NOC-Monkey crotch-denim from all the way over here. *snork* % That's it g*d-d@#&it! I'm not going back out on the roads unless a million people pull their heads out of their arses! * phrog contemplates the mere _sound_ of a million people pulling their heads out of their arses % the radar image for my house has a red cloud over it I was right! You are from hell! No! I just rent here! % I'm reacting to Shrew's moving his car. for fear of Hail dents I guess ? Yeah. If he gets dents, he'll have to get another new car. And I think he's running out of Hondas. % * bene makes a note to send shodan a birthday card . o O ( Why is this card ticking? ) . o O ( http://www.google.com/search?q=letter+bomb ) % does he bungie jump? I suppose he could, using the string in his butt. % "Things in the server room should not wiggle." --David Hankins % No state ID, no social security card, no driver's license. Not a single luxury? % * naked pokes shrew Hi! NOBODY LIKES YOU. WHY DO YOU STINK? WAIT, DONT TELL ME :P hah And, in a matter of mere seconds, I am flashed back to the second grade. Fairly impressive. behold my power! % * AB blinks * AB notes that fimbul is an hour early * AB eyes fimbul warily Yeah, I came in early. I was informed by my folks that we'd eat easter dinner at a "regular" time. . o O ( I've been here since 2:00am. Getting ready to leave now.) Not quite. I got in about 9:30. ...If I'd gotten here at 2:00am, I'd have still been drunk. I can't decide whether that would've been fun or not. % [snip several hours of IRC conversation about role-playing games] Gah, I always feel like such a gaming geek when I get into these conversations with you, kurt. ab: sometimes the gamer gene needs a little kickstart :) * AB starts carrying around a bag full of dice and forgets to bathe for several days % * kurt twitches and spasms, turning from Dr Jekyll into Mr Geek. % "Cool World" was fun. Right up until a certain point. Right. That point being approximately 13 minutes after the movie started. % * meri hunts down michael stackpole. ! * AB calls Stackpole and warns him % dave sounded VERY mondayish.... * kregars hands dave a can of Wake-the-fuck-up-and-smile grmmph % * sitzkrieg wonders if his house qualifies as a 'corrosive environment' % "I'm off early to go snarf dinner with my fambly. I hope they're serving lamb, because the irony of eating lamb for Easter dinner makes me so damned happy." --Fimbulvetr, 4/15/01 % "Seeing such naievete makes me think there's hope yet for humankind. Then again, maybe it's a sign we're all doomed and that some will just be more surprised than others when the hammer falls." --Ray Everett-Church, 4/13/01 % hovering flesh-eating fish are l33t % http://www.skirtman.org/gallery.html nice legs. =) did he actually *SHAVE* his legs??? "from the waist down, he could be janet reno" hahaha it'd look pretty bad if he didn't shave. :) err, it just plain looks bad either way Sitz :) I mean, of all the men out there that should not be wearing skirts, he's near the top of the list you, my man, have obviously not attended a con recently. % * sitzkrieg walks over to a nearby bookshelf and grabs a 138lb book labeled "History of France, Vol. 36" and drops it on naked. that's more then i weigh sucks to be you under all that history then. % what ever happened to her? she get canned? Madonna? * sitzkrieg nods. She's in charge of the testing center at NoVA Annandale. I know this, because I ran into her when I went to take a test there. * sitzkrieg blinks. Freaked the hell out of me. I thought I had gone to the entirely wrong place to take my test. "Uh, did I somehow end up at spg.va?...." * sitzkrieg moves "NOVA Annandale" from the "places to take classes" column to the "places to test chemical weapons on" column. % * AB spots an eBay auction for "AD&D Planescape- Monsterous Suppliment (1994)" * AB twitches HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU MISSPELL THE NAME OF IT WHEN IT'S *RIGHT THERE* ON THE COVER?!? % [snip tale of mirth and woe about AB's efforts to get his Minions more money] AB: tell 'em that underpaid minions are more likely to have a rough night sleeping on someone's couch, get all cranky, and go off on the customers that would be bad why? with a machete? ah, messy, but that's what the cleaning crew is for. the cleaning crew , who make $32k/yr ? * moyet works really hard at not being bitter. * AB is trying his darndest to get his Minions more money. * moyet knows. * AB knows full well the problems inherent with underpaid, low-morale Minions. Underpaid, low-morale Minions tend to overlook small details, like getting angry sea bass instead of sharks. Short-fusing the nuclear detonators, things like that. % * AB takes a phone call from a woman who is all in a tizzy 'cause she did a search for "Erols" on Google.com and one of the links erroneously linked to a pr0n site. *gasp* And when I failed to be suitably outraged, explaining that it was most likely a glitch in the Google.com database, and explaining that it probably wasn't a case of the eViL Pr0n pUrVeYoRs deliberately misguiding the masses, she asked if we had a "pornography reporting hotline." that would be synergist. "What's the URL? oh yah, that one sucks" % * piraeus hits upon the definition of 'getting old' when you'd rather listen to music you hated 10 years ago than the shit thats on the radio now % Yeah, but then they'd have to rename the frosting with a zippy, marketable name. I doubt "Sp00" would sell as well. Depends on your target market, I guess. Naive ex-girlfriends who actually believed semen is good for skin? * culimerc wishes his girlfriend was that naive % * Leviathan corresponded w/Larry Niven for several years. . o O ( until he got that restraining order.. ) % * jzp fails to find the appeal in checking filesystems in the nude % AB, do you know how to speak to the dead yet? ... Prowler: Yes. It's part of RCN Abuse training. % i can afford several more crack rocks a week now that i dont smoke cigs % AB: you don't happen to recall how to display and send full headers in Outlookdo you? * kurt prefers Outlookjitsu, the applied form of Outlookdo. % http://www.fetishhotel.com/ porn49221 : boring http://www.asianheat.com/ porn49221 : boring * MrFreeze hands himself a /msg kurt % * meri finds a salad in her mini-fridge that's been there for, oh, two weeks or so. well, she didnt so much find it, as it asked to be let out % I love hanging out with intellectuals. The humor is so... cerebral. (which explains why I never hang out with you lot. ) % "I can never see a time when dancing can be approved of, especially with people who are not married," said Tim Shepherd, an evangelist for the Church of Christ in Pound. "Dancing is one of those things that entices. It imitates sexual contact." --www.cnn.com, 4/16/01 (Bet you were thinking it was The Onion) % [snip black and white picture from a 1950's-era cookbook, with the caption "Your friends will certainly enjoy chicken shortcake when served individually!"] 'Yes, it's the individuality of the portion that people adore. Most people, when presented with some inedible dish that resembles a plate of Horta-fetus calamari will clap their hands and say: whee! It's crusty, it's oozing sneeze-juice and best of all, I have an INDIVIDUAL portion!' 'Nonsense. Your guests will resent you intensely. Individual portions mean the host can tell at a glance whether each guest has finished their portion, left half uneaten, or simply mashed the whole thing up and moved it around to make it look as if they gave it a good crack.' 'This looks very much like a magnified cluster of warts. Although warts don't usually come with parsley.' 'Today's assignment: find the chicken.' --The Gallery of Regrettable Foods, http://www.lileks.com % "Tired of your dated, hippie-crap wallpaper? Here's how to get it off for nothing! Invite over a really straight friend. Slip some LSD in her drink. Put on a 45 of "White Rabbit" and set it to play over and over and over again. Just when your friend starts to trip, say 'This is what the inside of Jerry Garcia's prostate looks like.' Then leave the room and lock the door." --Interior Desecrators, http://www.lileks.com % * scottm looks into the future and sees himself sleeping in on Friday... * AB wonders if scottm can tell him who's gonna win the Superbowl next year I could, but then you'd get in on my action. % *** effect (somethingn@old.effect.org) has joined #commies anyone in northern VA know when the lottery comes on tv, and what channel? and speaking of pathetic.... :D eat me <-- vegetarian % I'm like Flash Gordon, but without the Queen soundtrack or faggy outfit. % "Do we really need to waste money and resources killing the retarded when sending them into a hedge maze would be just as effective?" --Art Gordon, Systems Analyst, The Onion (4/18/01) % Heh. Hawaii approved the medical marijuana bill. * meri . o O { Hawaii's third-largest industry. } % 03/19/2000 - OK, AS LONG AS THEY'RE WARM: The city council of Gretna, La., has voted unanimously to make it legal to throw panties from Mardi Gras Carnival floats into the parade audience. % i make no recommendations about any sake that has the name "sierra" in it, other than perhaps "try something else" % i think the fumes from this highlighter are warping my mind % so where exactly is ARIN physically located, anyway? and does anyone here have a gun? % Woody: What'll it be today, Mr. Petersen? Norm: I'm in a gambling mood today, Woody. I'll take a mug of whatever comes out of that tap. Woody: That'd be a beer, Mr. Petersen. Norm: Call me "Mr. Lucky." % * outb0rk is under the distinct impression he was recently abducted and experimented upon by aliens. recently? Within the last week or so. My back is killing me for no obvious reason. Hell, I was pretty sure you were abducted by aliens the first time I met you. % * outb0rk threatens PERL with endless "T.J. Hooker" reruns unless it does what I want. % mmm. anthrax anthrax leprosey mu? . o O ( these are a few of my favorite things ) % * meri becomes really glad she doesn't have a quickcam. since i basically have a teabag stuffed up my nose. % so, when are all of you heavy beer drinking freaks coming down to the trailer home in stafford and drinking with me and Syn? Syko: Soon as you and Syn start drinking beer other than MegaSwill(tm). As soon as the two of you start drinking beer * phrog *5* s AB % * fimbul decides to stop drinking coffee now. . o O ('cause when I pee, I smell Starbucks) % I'm manic as fuck right now. It's all I can do not to run down the halls of mrf shouting "WOOB WOOB WOOB!" and demanding that folks address me as "Terrible, Man-Killing Fimbulfimbul." % * Nyarla peers suspiciously at the dog and wonders what he's been smoking . o O ( something good apparently ) (and he didn't share with me, the alpha female. bad dog!) % Putting a hole in your weenie is the height of illogic. % * sitzkrieg seems to have done something rather unpleasant to his neck. sitz, me too I've had this pain since I woke up * sitzkrieg hasn't, although my back was hurting at one point last night. couldn't sleep on my back. which isn't a big deal, as I can never fall asleep in that position anyway. * sitzkrieg idly wonders at precisely what point this train of thought becomes a sharing violation. . o O ( Only when you say that you sleep on someone else's back ) (when you start talking about other things you do in that position. duh.) .oO { I can't sleep on my belly, 'cuz I end up fucking my mattress in my sleep... Oh, oop. Sharing Violation } % (RCN: we hire the homeless and pass the savings on to you!) % you'd be amazed what you can do with a little flexibility, and doorknobs % "Although AboveNet restored service by midafternoon, many of its 1,000 dot-com customers experienced sluggish Web site performance" * AB twitches at the use of "dot-com" as a noun. * Nyarla nods AB (they go up against the wall too. along with people who use "office" as a verb.) % AB: fyi, just got summoned for jury duty on 5/10 (wednesday after next) (it will be amusing to see whether the district's desire to have obscure ethnic groups represented on juries is outweighed by their desire to reject black-clad pink-haired freaks) % * AB phears people who say, with complete seriousness, "I practice Kabalistic high magick." . o O (now with a "k" for extra phear! (tm) ) % * fimbul imagines himself forced to watch images of Michael Douglas and Tom Hanks moving about to a score of Beethoven music. When the film is finished, I'd... not like Bethoven, and still hate Michael Douglas. * fimbul imagines those last few sentences, but better constructed. . o O ( In fact, imagine that everything I say is an impeccable construction of unmitigated genius. Now, love me unconditionally. Now, go get me a cheeseburger.) % "WILL GAME FOR SOAP" --Button seen at a gaming convention % * meri . o O { "Nyarla, what is best in life?" "To lart the lusers! To see their accounts crushed beneath my heel, and to hear the lamentation of their modems!" } % * meri snickers. * meri finds a palm vii app for Syn. "find a strip bar whereever you are!" * Nyarla lafs I thought he had innate titty-sensors % * AB makes the mistake of re-visiting the "About Foxwolfie Galen" page. * AB fails his SAN roll. *snicker* It's...it's... It's just that PICTURE! My gh0d! To view that picture just once is to understand why this man fucks stuffed animals! BECAUSE HE'S A RIGHT UGLY BASTARD! And yet he paints it as "I do this by choice. It's a lifestyle I *choose* to lead." BULLSHIT! * AB froths % * Nyarla belatedly snogs u-steve * AB wasn't aware that Elder Gods "snogged" % I've been punishing myself physically all weekend % Pah. Why must these morons set their eBay auctions for 10 days? Don't they understand that I require immediate gratification?!? % http://www.abcnews.go.com/sections/science/DailyNews/ artichokes000427.html Spanish farmers are growing 3-meter-high artichokes i phear your urls kregars. :) holy moly 3 *meters*? nod 9 feet high huh huh, cool.. they're gonna grow brains and take over the planet % * AB boggles slightly as he realizes that it won't be long before we run out of greek prefixes for disk drive storage capacity. mega-, giga-, tera-, peta-, exa-... what's after Exa ? yetta and zotta are defined sorry, zetta and yotta. see http://www.hack.gr/jargon/html/ Q/quantifiers.html zetta, yotta, and zepto and yocto for the other end of the scale. And after that, grouchto, harpto, and chicto. % the day my computer's waving a blade at my privates is the day I start my career as a farmer. % *** AB is now known as | <|> From: "RAPED WHORE" <|> To: <|> Subject: SEE FEMALE RAPE ORGASM <|> <|> Hi, bastard, see female rape violence orgasm *** | is now known as AB Really, how can anyone resist such an enticing offer? % * shodan listens to construction that what that is? i thought shmit left his music on % * Nyarla snogs everybody ! i tink i just been snogged! how do I get it all off me without betraying my cool exterior? % "Spent most of the day enduring apparent caffeine-induced mania. Found myself talking like Primus's Les Claypool at 45 rpm. However, I didn't quiver so fast that my skin shattered this time, so I guess I'm okay." --Fimbulvetr, excerpt from 4/18/01 shift report % "And today I explained that, if I saw more spam coming from [him], [he] was going to have an asshole so big that boinking him would be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway." --Fimbulvetr, excerpt from 4/18/01 shift report % * Nyarla pops some more guarana-and-ephedrine capsules and vibrates silently % I've got an idea. Is it a good one? no. % Nyarla really did have to talk to a user who claimed that RILLY RILLY HONEST AND FOR TRUE he was a vampire. The message he posted to usenet agonizing over the experience of watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" with his girlfriend and trying to figure out how to break the news to her... ...well, it was priceless. (altho' in his defense, he didn't pull the vamp bit on the phone with me. but I'd deja'ed him first and had a hard time keeping a straight face.) "so, OK, make sure not to mail this guy any more...and by the way, DOES YOUR MOMMY KNOW YOU'RE A VAMPIRE??!" he'll be coming out with a book in a few months entitled "All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned from White Wolf Publications" % * Nyarla was inexplicably amused to see our luser tangling with one of her old Usenet foes, tho'... That's the sign of a true geek: One that has Old Usenet Foes(tm). % someone needs to invent a nasal vacuum that you can use to schlorp out boogers % * shmit eyes the lot of you warily. * shmit hands Nyarla one of his calendars. Ignore the sp00. * Nyarla peers suspiciously at the calendar (don't you have anything with girlies on it?) The girlies are under the sp00. * Nyarla pulls out some solvents and a chisel % and he was like "hello, is this andrew danforth?" and i'm like "yeah" . o O ( And he's like, "dude!" and I'm all like, "dude!" and he's like "Woah!" ) % I lived in Philly for about 5 months in 1986 in (a.) Germantown during (b.) the Summer of the Garbage Strike(tm). ewwwwwwwwwwwww. for those of you that aren't familiar with Philly, Germantown is The Ghetto. that was before my time, but I heard the stories. I lived in Fishtown for two years. * Nyarla still shudders at the memories that was shortly after the mayor of philly decided to firebomb some squatters... MOVE! Osage Avenue. Oh man... * Nyarla used to collect empty crack vials for a housemate, who was using them to construct a sort of mosaic that read "WELCOME TO PHILADELPHIA" % whoa seems the foo fighter cd i just got is an interactive one THey expect you to sing along? dave grohl takes you an interactive goofy grape adventure you'll never forget! yipee skippy you have to play one instrument on each track in order to listen to it? . o O ( you keep fucking up the bridge! do you want to hear these songs or not? IT'S A, G, D, F GET IT RIGHT ) . o O ( don't make me shoot you like I did to that fucker kurt! he COULDN'T PLAY MY FUCKING SONGS! ) . o O (The Foo Fighters present Choose Your Own Adventure!) . o O ( Help save the Foo Fighters from Evil Dr. Grim! ) . o O ( Help the foo fighters find lunch in SillyVille! ) . o O ( The Foo Fighter hits you over the head with a 77 Les Paul Studio. You die. Identify your possessions? (Y/N)? ) If you think Dave should open the door, go to page 25. If you think he should go up the stairs to the left, go to page 48. If you think this track should have ended at 6:08 after the guitar solo, go to page 92. If you think Dave should switch to Gm7d5, press 'fast forward' twice % i think I broke myself last night. Nat'l Masturbation Day isn't until Sunday. % 3 cheers for visual aphasia! eechr! chere! rheec! % . o O (Years from now, when the aliens are sifting through our fossilized remnants, they're going to come to one inescapable conclusion) . o O (The Earth was populated by dorks.) % _Chicken Soup for your Nads_ -- "A godsend for all you impotent guys. Now available in soft cover. Ha ha ha." % meri still in herE? meri's in someone else's E now, I think. % * AB watchs Syn defend John Tesh. * AB phears * AB sneaks into Syn's office and finds all of Tesh's CDs. All 2 of them? More than that, sitz. I can bring them to you, if you want. no, that's ok. Tie you to a chair and play them for you. * sitzkrieg cleverly hides all the chairs on the planet under his bed. % ab: you heard the halloween idea moyet and I have been kicking around? Minion pr0n? no, no, that's not halloween specific * Nyarla as beavis, moyet as butthead, torque as daria * AB would have to fire you all. we were thinking maybe you as stuart ;) * AB dunno stuart * Nyarla lafs and doesn't tell * AB phears Torque as Daria. * AB guesses Stuart is Daria's boyfriend or brother or something. nope. * AB guesses wrong. * AB is tragically unhip * Nyarla will get fired if I tell you who stuart is :) Better not tell me, then. I need you around. =) % hey wow. that was nicely embarrasing. * meri locked herself out of her hotel room. i got to get the lobby to bring me up a new key while i stood around in the hall, barefoot, in my pajamas. thank god for the courtesy phones on every floor. % Egad, woman, too much Guarana. Gurana. Ga... fuck it. % fuck. marianatrench.com is taken. bastards. there goes MY porn career. % * fimbul senses that being on irc this late at night puts him squarely in geekdom. * fimbul wonders where his liberal arts schooling really got him. Gee. I can discuss Epictetus and ... OOH! Tentacle pr0n! % . o O ( oh, no. not bull semen again. ) % Jeez. One minute I'm middle-american boring white-picket-fence guy, and the next I'm in this wacky madcap world of goth bisexuals and leather pants and people getting whippings and stuff. % Wait, you found a rental car with a cd player? I got stuck with a 96 Neon that smelled of orange, had nothing but a radio, then drove through Southern VA with only cattle news to entertain me. % * kregars cheers at the 200Million jackpot for today for the big game... *sigh* The life I could lead with $200M... * edge bets his GF wouldn't b*tch about much after that! :) if it takes $200M to make your gf stop b*tching, you need a different gf. % so you all ready for the world to end today? i can just feel the tidal forces ripping the earth apart right now from the planetary alignment. oh. no. The world cannot end before I see Gladiator damnit!!!!!! % Dude, I've pissed off the aliens. There's no way they're gonna save me. * meri weeps. % So, when i got to my car, it had a flyer for "Church for the Churchless" like, young 'hip' minister holding service in a bar and starting his sermons with pick up lines. (Hey baby, wanna see my holy trinity?) % I think more anti-spam fighters ought to be known psychos. Stalkers, snipers, hit and run drivers... It would give us an edge. ...I thought we were already known psychos... Yeah, but none of us have been caught in a bell tower with a rifle yet. . o O (YET.) "You see officer, they're ALL just potential spammers. I have to stop them before...." % I'm still a little saner than Torque -- HE wanted to end the world as his HS science project. % * fimbul notes that his head is being over run by pornstar personae. . o O (would explain why I have to spray the outside of my car with gasoline every time I finish filling the tank.) % * Nyarla considers moving to Europe for better access to orange chocolates * fimbul considres moving to France for cheaper cheese. * Nyarla considers moving to Europe to get laid % The search string: "+avengers +truetype +font" Result # 9: "9. celebrities nude celebs FUCKING WHORES in the ass" I love the internet. % I wouldn't have minded this allergy stuff half as much had not another network taught me to think of the allergens in terms of "tree sex." Now I'm not only physically miserable, but I emotionally feel like I've just taken a Johnny-Wadd-like facial in a botanical pr0n movie. % OMFG MY GUN IS HERE * AB eyes KaptnJack warily but AB! IT'S HERE! ! KJ: that's what has us worried it's only a paintball gun it only stings a bit jack: increase the FPS to 3000 and freeze the paintballs yeah yeah yea actually if you jack the FPS up to around 3k, you don't need to freeze the paintballs I got hit once by a guy who had jacked his up to 4k FPS, left a NASTY bruise hey what's the point of jacking up a paintball gun? isn't the point *not* to injure eachother? pah! welts are cool! * AB takes andrewh aside and gently explains to him the concept of "dick waving." % From: Joe To: Erol's Admin Announcements Subject: Re: [cabletech] Carmel, NY Hey baby , can we send Mom some flowers ????? * piraeus rofl Our users hurt my head. % According to CNN 1 out of 4 PR people have admitted to lying on the job. I would imagine the other 3 are lying about that. % andrewh: I can barely shellscript, d00d. "oh" Nevermind hax0r a proprietary binary. . o O ( I can hardly type my own goddamned name. ) % * AB abandons any pretense of nutrition and has nachos and beer for dinner. % "For every web page there is an equal and opposite web page" % shodan synergist whats the # of domains that are affected by this? and are they basically br0ken until you fix the DB? A relatively small number, I think. But a lot of the "big" domains with a lot of entries require changes. The problem is that comparing the DB and the two files looks a lot messier than it actually is.. On a scale of "no problem" to "end of the world" I'd put it at "mildly annoying". . o O ( I can be even *more* vague if you want ) % It's amazing how earthlike your carpet can get with sufficient neglect. % what sort of freak is awake and functional at 8? nobody should have to be awake at that hour * sitzkrieg has been awake at 8 before. in the am, even,. (yes, usually after having been up all night. Thanks for pointing that out. ) % * piraeus wishes he could get back into the shape he was in 10 years ago :) * AB is happy to be in the shape he's in now. . o O (not going there. not going there) . o O (Oh, go ahead. Go there.) . o O (can't do it. self preservation instinct too strong) % * AB attempts to determine why, exactly, matrixx-group.com is flooding postmaster@rcn.com with output for their cron jobs. . o O ( postmaster@matrixx-group.com attempts to determine why, exactly, they never receive the output for their cron jobs. ) * AB nods leaf * AB just called 'em. . o O ( We don't have any Unix boxes except for our DNS server, and it doesn't send out email.) . o O ( On the contrary, I can assure you that it does.) % AB: I'm all out of work to do. * AB notes that there are currently 3113 emails in the abuse queue. * AB struggles to reconcile this with moyet's claim % * shmit gets mail *** shmit is now known as | <|> http://www.cathouse.com/nita/ *** | is now known as shmit Nurg That's not it % I never knew missing children could be so sexy % * fimbul points to http://stations.mp3s.com/stations/44/ the_worst_of_the_worst_ver.html Take. Listen. Weep. warning: do not listen to DJ Nipple. LISTEN! LISTEN! . o O (earworms for everyone!) * shmit ponders putting down The Incorrect Music Hour with Irwin Chud to sample some music that may, in fact, be worse than what he's already listening to. * shmit . o O (Bad music, potentially horrible music) * shmit . o O (Decisions, decisions.) [Time passes] How... How can music be this bad? "I'm Your Woman/Man" is absolutely vomitous. * shmit nods DJ Nipple isn't as bad, but it's close. It's as though a group of special olympians stumbled across a cache of broken instruments in a closet at the asylum. % those are women? dear god Yup. veritable sirens. As in, air-raid % 666 . o O ( 665.9999999 <-- A really close approximation of The Beast ) 7.1944362 <-- Inverse Hyperbolic Cosine of the Beast <- 668 (the neighbor of the beast) . o O ( 672 .. that annoying neighbor down the street that's always letting his kids play in The Beast's yard ) 193 1/2 <-- Not even close to The Beast, but included as an example % * sitzkrieg grabs a pair of black b00ty shortz and does his rendition of "Dancing Queen" * Murple moves sitz's name up to the top of the list of people to shoot when i go postal % Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A: They taste funny. % * AB is asked to write a status message about RCN email being blocked by WebTV. * AB cracks his knuckles and prepares to turn the tide of public opinion against WebTV % . o O ( Due to popular demand of our users, all WebTV boxes now come with the CAPSLOCK KEY STUCK IN THE 'ON' SETTING WE HAVE ALSO REMOVED ALL PUNCTUATION KEYS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ENDING EVERY PARAGRAPH WITH 'LOL' THIS SHOULD MAKE THINGS MUCH MORE CONVENIANT FOR OUR USERS LOL ) % * AB makes a note to ban all Sanrio products from Abuse Central. * AB ensconces himself behind razorwire and machine gun emplacements. ! * meri . o O { * Nyarla disappears in a puff of logic. } * Nyarla quits and moves to the UK to follow the Oysterband from gig to gig We're gonna get Fimbul hooked, too, you know. Okay. * AB rescinds his ban on all Sanrio products from Abuse Central. * AB instead bans all Sanrio products from his personal cube. * AB ensconces himself behind razorwire and machine gun emplacements, etc % $ABUSE NSI with $BUGGERING_TOOL and $BUGGERING_TOOL and $BUGGERING_TOOL and then jump up and down on their remains until they're all squishy. for $i in $BUGGERING_TOOL do; while $RECOGNIZABLE ; do ah... buggeringTools do: [ toolName | NSI abuseWith: toolName ]. % * scottm investigates ways to make his commute suck less. * winter fits scottm for a pair of RocketShoes(tm). Ooh, are they not nifty? Dunno. Chicks dig 'em though. % * madwolf does not consider himself "European". I drive at illegal MPH, getting poor MPG that costs me many pounds, and I drive (mostly) on the left. Dammit. madwolf: We'll EUify you, sooner or later. First, we get you to hate the French (something all proper Europeans do), then we get you to like the Eurovision Song Contest, in secret. susan: well obviously I hate the French. Doesn't everybody? % o|~ "The vegans are coming to kill you, the vegan are coming to town. The vegans are coming to kill you and nobody understands why." * AB becomes more paranoid THANKS A LOT, SUSAN! % "...but who would you rather your kids took as a role model: Crocodile Dundee, David Spade or Tom Green? It is a melancholy milestone in our society when parents pray, 'Please, God, let my child grow up to admire a crocodile rassler,' but there you have it." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles," 4/20/01 % "My best guess is that the "closed-circuit" telecast of [Timothy McVeigh's] execution will be "closed" only long enough for hackers, pirates and thieves to steal and digitize it. Bootleg copies of the video will be available within 24 hours after the execution, no matter what precautions are taken. Some sick soul will try to tape the death right off the closed-circuit screen with a hidden video camera. I say this only because I am melancholy and realistic about human nature. There is money to be made." --Roger Ebert, 4/20/01 % I mean, do marketroids *know* they sound like marketroids? Or is their lack of realization a survival mechanism? % naps are like Garlic You can never have too much? no such thing a too much meri wins although napping in my spagetti sauce is not such a good thing % Glah. Another channel was having a big conversation about pearl jam. Which was bad enough. But then we all realized that the conversation had been going on for like five minutes before we realized we were all spelling it perl jam. % * Nyarla has fond memories of the luser who couldn't believe her husband was carrying on an email flirtation with some AOL user (with large hands and a prominent adam's apple) and wanted us to tell her they'd been hax0red... heh "well, ma'am, there's nothing fishy in the logs, these messages all appear to be direct replies, and given the quoting it really looks like "she" is responding to something that came straight from your account..." "oh, but my husband doesn't know this person! he says so!" *koff* "did you actually READ the mail? like all the bits about how his wife doesn't understand him? or the bits advising "loriluvr" not to mail him at certain times because his wife might be home and see the mail first?" "for that matter, did you notice just how, um, MASCULINE this woman looks?" "ma'am, I rilly rilly think you and your husband need a nice long chat. we're abuse, not marriage counselors. good day." . o O ( We're abuse. Submit, or be gone ) . o O (we're abuse. your marital difficulties are not our concern, save as a source of cheap laughs.) % Dionysus? Izzn't that the greek goddess of harvest or somesuch? nak god of wine. altho' in Shodan's defense he *did* wear women's clothing. Dionysus == Bacchus That's Bacchus Dionysus == Mr. Howell from "Gilligan's Island" % * Nyarla peers suspiciously at a dollar bill with the cryptic inscription "SEE YOU IN TEN YEARS. YOUR HUBBY, GERMS" . o O (alrighty, then.) % * effect bought his first wallet ever today... ... What had you been using before? * meri envisions ziplock bags. lol Or is this the first one you bought on your own? That you hadn't received as a gift or something? no, just some envelope thingie or my checkbook :) * meri blinks some more. Uh. Congratulations! thanks! it's neat! it's leather and has a buncha places to put stuff! [Ed. Note: Did we mention that effect also speaks Klingon?] % !!! the fucking 4004's are cooking up in hmt * Synergist pisses on hmt to cool it down % . o O ( mode +kb !*bleys!* ) I love you, too, outbork }:) tell me you miss me! * outb0rk is too drunk to lie. % So, from what I can gather looking at this site Native American porn is just like regular porn, but with beads % Good lord it's quiet in here. Are the usual cast of RCN insomniacs actually in bed or something? . o O (nothing to see here. move along.) ! she lives! hey! I'm a goth! them's fightin' words! % As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!" --A joke % * Nyarla continues chewing Japanese gum and wondering if she will ever be able to taste anything other than mint ever again % Microsoft went after a lingerie company in the UK. That sells Microsoft bras. The model line is microsoft. And the lingerie company wrote back saying something along the lines of, "If there's product confusion between your products and ours, your users are using one of your products in ways never intended." any bra claiming to be "microsoft" has my attention . o O (Microsoft: For flat-chested chicks.) you've obviously never worn a bra * AB confesses that, no, he hasn't. * meri nods rubia. Truth in advertising would lead to "really uncomfortable with painful straps and owie underwires" bras. ugh.. we could bemoan the pain of bras, but over-the-shoulder- boulder-holders are kinda necessary * AB suspects there is an inverse relationship between "holding power" and "comfort" BreastMauler2000, now with extra barbed wire! AB: Probably. I swear I don't remember them being this uncomfortable a few years back. * meri grins at phrog. Well, I was gonna go with "TittyTwister mark V", but thought it might be crass. So. I didn't how... PC of you yeah. that's our phrog. * phrog <- sensitive new-age guy. Mister Sensitive. the PC king of the universe. He's got all my John Tesh CDs. Do not If I had all your Tesh CD's, I could finish tiling my bathroom. % * AB thinks bagpipes should be used more often in hardcore gangsta rap % At the University of Texas, one of the physics professors would often include bonus questions of a quasi-silly nature on his tests. On one test, he asked the question "What is the speed of light through Jello?" The only student to get credit for answering the question was the one who wrote: "What flavor?" % <-- dork (but you knew that) % From Weird Al Yankovic's "Ask Al" page: Q: Hey Al!!!!! What do u think about Napster? I just want to know if you approve. A: I have very mixed feelings about it. On one hand, Im concerned that the rampant downloading of my copyright-protected material over the Internet is severely eating into my album sales and having a decidedly adverse effect on my career. On the other hand, I can get all the Metallica songs I want for FREE! WOW!!!!! % "Serial Killer Michael Ross receives six death sentences." There's a joke about "overkill" in there somewhere. Who is this guy, anyways? Rasputin? % Gotta love E3 "Here! We have the money to hire large-breasted babes, dress them in skimpy, tight-fitting clothing, and stick them in front of our booth to advertise our games! That means our games MUST be good!" "Why dontcha take that money you're spending on those booth babes and invest it into your games so you don't churn out another stinker like that game you released last year?" % >Since it >might be impossible to determine an abuse contact address without the >RIPE database, you might wish to consider blocking all RIPE traffic >until they get things back in order. Wow. That's the dumbest sounding idea I've heard anywhere in a very long time. Please let us know how it works for you. `~Maynard % "It's comforting to know that, in the event nobody can quite isolate a proper concrete example for the definition of the word 'dolt,' that this individual has manfully stepped forward to fill that void." --Anonymous % *** arcas is now known as _ <_> Tech support: Hello, tech support, may I help you? <_> Customer: (in a thick Russian accent) Yes. Monitor is working fine but has sparks and smoke flying out back? Is okay? <_> Tech support: *blink* *** _ is now known as arcas % "'Battlefield Earth' is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way." ... "I knew I was watching something historic; a movie that will be used as the punch line in bad movie jokes for decades to come." --Roger Ebert, from his review of "Battlefield: Earth" % "i have received 2 hack attempts on port 23 from one of your IPs, which my blackICE has detected as a hack attempt" * AB cheers a_uselessly_paranoid_Black_Ice00! % * meri ponders a new term. "Migrantion (n): The headache brought on by working on ISP user migrations." % Reintarnation: To die and come back to life as a hillbilly. % It's quiet in here. TOO quiet. And you know what THAT means. shredder and his band of evil ninjas are about to attack? % I am the Jer what Flops in the Night! % * Nyarla cranks up the annoying French Celtic rap as an offensive weapon against passersby . o O (* passerby drop to the sidewalk, screaming in agony and bleeding from their ears) . o O ( . o O (Excellent)) . o O (another normal weekend at Chez Nyarla) % syn: you got a porn name picked out yet? yea Tic-Tac ah yes, the 1 calorie, less filling p0rn star % * Nyarla is cooking and cleaning and stuff and only wandering by here periodically for fresh horror Damn. All I have is stale horror. % the true geek can geek about anything :-) * Nicolai could have a go at geeking lingerie % * scottm finds his lawnchairs missing. * scromp whistles and surreptitiously points at AB * scottm decides to wait for the sun to get a bit higher in the sky before moving outside. * scromp snickers while scottm installs the mind-control antennae, thinking they're his missing lawn chairs scromp is my friend. long live scromp. all hail scromp. % * AB smirks * AB gets a call from some admin in Oregon wanting real info about a customer who he claims is hacking one of his customers. I respond "Not without a subpoena." He responds "Can you tell me if his name is Ron?" I respond "Not without a subpoena." I then go on to elaborate why we require subpoenas, those reasons being chiefly (A) legal ass-coverage; and (B) protecting our users from cranks. He then proceeded to curse me out, tell me that I was useless, and hang up on me. . o O (See (B) above.) % Wagner was the prototype of the Hollywood producer Hehe "naw, that story won't do, gotta put more sex and violence into it. preferably something perverse." % I'll never be as cool as siva. winter: reach for your goals % [snip huge flamewar about whether or not Americans speak "English"] Hey, if you English are sooooo good, how come you din't come up with the wuzzzzzup! thing? % * scottm needs to figure out somethig to get his wife for their anniversary, and is running out of time... An electric drill press. % [snip discussion of naked attempting to accomplish a minor task] naked: I think you're putting far too much effort into this. but my boss told me to! he says i can't go home till i do it Plus, it keeps him too busy to look for naked pictures of Agnes Moorehead, so we're happy with it. MY EYES % bob: gerbils? gerbils are Syn's favorite sextoy, and a healthy snack! ! Although, one presumes, not in that order. % . o O (And thus does #bofh perform its version of the tradtional "Waltons" ending.) is this where the smoking remains of their house are seen in the sunset, or was that another show ? % One of the things that was hammered into my head this weekend. "There are some things that other people just don't need to know." Like "Nyarla farts in bed" frinstance. (whoops. Was that 'outside voice'?) * Nyarla prepares the pungi stakes % * meri starts to grok Microsoft Project, and loses a few SAN points. That comes from your permanent SAN, too. I was afraid of that. % My twinkie is losing structural integrity % * meri ponders bribing someone with a big car. :) * kurt goes insane . o O ( Neat! Can I use your car? ) % Hrm. * AB stands a spoon straight up in his coffee. . o O (Perhaps a *tad* too much powdered creamer) % I hate hayfever. I feel your pain. I am also out of antihistamines, which is very irritating. hm, perhaps a cow-orker is going near a pharmacy I am car-less at the moment, therefore on bike, and only known pharmacies are some distance off. My drug of choice for allergies is Alka-Seltzer Cold Plus * Nicolai has been through a lot of antihistamines some work, some don't * Nicolai should go see the doc for this year's antihistamine research update * AB secretly replaces Nicolai's antihistamines with some prohistamines. . o O (* Nicolai's sinuses and immune system become a battleground for a vicious civil war between the rebel antihistamines and the leftist, government-backed prohistamine faction.) . o O (Latest news from the front: The rebel antihistimines, armed with an array of weapons smuggled into Nicolai from arms dealers in the Middle East, have managed to gain a small foothold in Nicolai's pancreas.) % * siva wonders where his agent is RIGHT BEHIND YOU! I hope not, I'm still naked and dripping Kick Ass * AB notes, in passing, that "dripping" in this context can take on many values not associated with "freshly bathed" * siva idly notes in response, that he was aware of this, and made the word choice deliberately ;) * AB assumed no less. trolling for the quotes file again ;) % and mail to abuse@cybercable.tm.fr bounces because it is aliased to postmaster which is above mailbox quota helioz: snafu Postmaster with a mail quota? Am I the only one who thinks that that's an at-least-potential selfLART? no am I the only one that thinks it's idiotic? no no. Have i seen it before? yep. heh One thing we don't have is a shortage of idiots. "Idiot prices fell today with the expected announcement from the Fed that there would be no shortage of idiots for the foreseeable future." % You can do amazing things with line printers. I think we're about to get into a really weird buggering area here. Buggery using line printer?! I'll ask $PFY. I caught him caressing a 100bt switch yesterday. Erf, be gentle with that one. He sounds like he's in a delicate state right now. % anyone going to sane next week? koopal: my cow orker, magnus@hi.is will be he's around 45, rather shy, with very thin blond hair and extremely bad complexion grin although I do realize that it will be impossible to recognize him from even a small crowd of european systems administrators from that description % I CAN'T SLEEP IN AS LATE AS 8am. Even if I want to. It's a curse. * siva . o O { called children } % >THOUGHT FOR THE DAY > >Women do not snore, burp, sweat or fart. >Therefore, they must bitch or they will blow up. % if it's a hot day, i can't think of anything more refreshing than an ice cold enema % * shodan gets icqspam "Gamble online with your credit card!" . o O ( ... ) oo.. good idea "Oh, is this your credit card number? YOU LOSE! $5000! " % I find it much easier to be funny while naked. % [snip URL pointing to story about how survivors of the Columbine shooting are suing the software industry] Well, yeah. Of course ID software is responsible. Who do you think should take the blame? Some innocent parties like the parents, or the poor shooters themselves? Next you'll be saying that it's the job of parents to raise their kids not to be monsters. Or even that people are responsible for their own actions! What kind of weak-willed communist bullshit is that? But you think people are morons, though, dontcha? Oh, yeah. % and I was having that dream again where space aliens shaped like giant melons land on the Earth and begin threatening world- leaders with hammers, demanding that we give up Gallagher... % Coffee calls. I can hear it, seductively whispering "Susie, one mug won't hurt you. Go to the Dark Side, you know you want to. Come. Come. We are awaiting you." * leeann giggles *grin* you heard that too :) KH: Yep. doesn't coffee say that to *everyone*? Don't know. I've never heard it talk to anyone else. Hmm, I wonder... Coffee has both a "C" and an "O" in it. They're *obviously* using the OMCLs to talk to us! huh? Orbital Mind Control Lasers. The reason why kooks have tinfoil-lined hats. ah. heh And thus we have an explanation to why sysadmins drink coffee. The coffee uses the OMCLs to talk to the BOFHs, who all are non- tinfoil-hat wearers. orbital mind control coffee... % banks eh? who needs em? erm. oh yeah, we all do. Bah. % Woo. Someone finally bid on the item I'm selling on eBay. I feel so special. . o O (as in "special needs", yeah.) % I do believe the new Minion will fit in nicely. He came up with his own nom de guerre. Erekosė heh Fimbul wanted to name him "Riboflavin" % . o O (for every newsgroup (trn trn trn)) . o O (there is a season (trn trn trn)) * leeann tries to ignore AB % heh, man, corporate is brave 'suggestions for our new headquarters' 'yeah, I'd like to suggest a bomb under every chair with a pushbutton control placed in the MRF noc, every time one of you jackoffs pisses us off, we push the appropriate button, problem solved' % . o O (I asked for FOUR stones! Not none or one or two or three, but FOUR!) . o 0 (Four stones, four cases, Zero stones ZERO CASES!!) s/cases/crates/g ahh..right. :) [Time passes] * sitzkrieg hands sgflynn a s/cases/crates/ lag much? :) AB wis. * AB nods * sitzkrieg makes a note to read the scrollback more carefully. note, however, the lack of typoes. AB wis. note, however, the lack of typoes. ah, fuck. Looks like the usual typos to me. shaddup, you. % i think somehow the bad music virus has crossed cubicles from shmit's computer to phrog's * Murple hears weird rubber ducky sounds and flanged power tools % im a retard, youre a retard, wouldn't you like to be a retard too err whatever % Oh yeah. I've lost weight. * meri cheers. 11 lbs in 3 months. At this rate, I'll be at my target weight sometime